I am a 27 year old, college educated and my spouse is 31 and the same for him. He has ADHD. This is not the first time that I have been to this site. I visited before while we were in pre-marital counseling and our therapist tried to help me understand our issues stemed from having an ADHD related relationship.
I learned well before that my DH could not handle too much at once, so I methodically gave him minor things to do, i.e.: the wedding planning. Passed with flying colors and I often gave him praises for his achievements.
He had at least four jobs since I have known him while I am still working on promotion number two since. It is not to say that I have thrown this up but I say because he was suspended from job one, demoted from job two, fired from job three, and then questioned about his integrity on job four... I asked at job number two if he had troubles keeping employment only because we were about to spend our lives together. And mind you, I ALWAYS kept him encouraged and NEVER put him down, but I needed to be sure that he was capable of supporting for his family.
Then I looked at other relationships he has with family and his close friends. They are difficult and I try to remind him that God (i am a Christian) wants us to love one another and expect no more than what a person can give. In the beginning we had the most adventureous times and I felt like I could talk to him about anything. I could tell him my day was pure hell and he always came to my rescue. He prayed with me when I had an anxiety attack and always consoled me during my roughest times. And I did the same for him for he could always talk to me about anything and who were we to judge anyone?? I guess that was the "hyper-focus????"
We have only been married for six months and now I have asked him to move. He was moving anyway as he told me there is a home we looked at and even though the lease is not up for another five months he wants to go now. When we got married, he gave up his apartment which was a transition for the both of us. We were new to the cohabiting part and yes that is a normal challenge. However, we have since argued over money, church, reading the bible together, communicating, affection, intimacy, housework, and now WHEN THE PROPER TIME IS TO PURCHASE A HOME. Of course I have nagged and yelled and repeatedly told him I was so frustrates because he tells me one moment he is going to do something and doesnt do it. Then when I kindly remind him, he thinks I am treating him like a child. Well, it seems that way because he cannot function like that of someone who does not have ADHD. Things that seem so apparent and practical to me are not in that order for him and I get that. So it definitely takes some work on both parts and I feel like I have done everything I can. And yes for six months of marriage, but in three years of living separately.
Now we are at the point of separating, divorce, "blame it all on me", whatever he wants to call it. We saw a home and now he wants it. The apartment we currently live in has my name on the lease which means that it will alter my credit score negatively if we just up and move. That means there would be fees associated with terminating the lease early. He is not considering the costs and he thinks that because we make just about the same (him1k more), that I should be able to cope with that. That statement completely undermined what I have already said about paying my student loans since I did go to grad school. He had a ROTC scholarship, he did not have to. So he also tells me that he is going to proceed with getting the house with or without me which leads me to believe that he is that unhappy and/or selfish. I pick selfish because that is all he has displayed ever since we got married. We were two very self-sufficient people prior to getting married so it is not like I would ask or expect much based on how I was raised. Now we have to work together, but dear God he just doesnt get it. *sigh
After all the arguments and discontentment for each other for the last six months, I just told him to go. Now he is packing and I returned to this site once again. I am sure he will try to do something to gain attention, but I really am fed up. I went to the doctor and was told that my health issues were heavily correlated with the amount of stress. Once she asked me if I had anything going on in my life that was stressed related, I could not hold my tears. I cried, "my marriage." So although it hurts me greatly because I know there is a deficiency here in our marriage, but I had to make a choice. Ruin me or let him go on. I wouldn't dare later move in that home because it was not one we would have purchased together.
Here I am at the fork in the road, do I still try knowing I will get the same results or just let him go? I am not afraid of being alone. I am able to cope with that as I did not have an active father in my life. A big part of me does not want to give up so easily, but it would cost me grief. The other says the hell with it at least I will have some peace.
I really love him and certainly got married for the long hall, but it may cost me my sanity.