I've been on Ritalin in one form or another since I was 5. Been diagnosed and rediagnosed several times in 40 years.
Been to psychiatrists, therapists and counselors. Learned new and better ways to live life and compensate for weaknesses, enough to keep a job longer than 6 months. Got married, had kids, saw more counselors, learned new skills, got better at being a husband and father.
I feel like I've hit a wall. It's been a long while since I've seen any marked improvement in my ability to compensate for my innatentiveness and impulsivity.
I don't notice things things that need to be done as often as I think I should. Maybe once every day or so, I notice that the dishwasher needs to be emptied and I do it, or realize that there are half a dozen dirty socks or t-shirts lying around the tv room and I put them in the basket or I wipe the dew or frost off my wife's car windows after I do mine.
It isn't enough because most of the time I could trip over things that need to be cleaned up or put away and I'm so focused on whatever random thought happens to beon my mind at any given moment that I just don't see it or I do notice it but I think I will remember to come back and do it when I'm done googling something or I clear this next level of plant vs zombies. Problem is, the google search leads to a youtube video which spawns another creative moment and to a tangent I willingly follow like Alice. The chances of me getting back to empty that overflowing kitchen garbage can before my super responsible wife does it is prety slim.
if she should ever decide to ask me to do something, to "help" (yes I know, cleaning up after myself is not "helping", it's my responsibility)
Anyway, should my non-stop, super woman wife, actually ask me to do something around the house, I either dissappear to the bathroom with "IBS" or suddenly turn into a 10 year old who refuses to do anything he's asked to do, because my mom bossed me around and I'm not letting anyone boss me around. My psychiatrist at the ADHD clinic diagnosed me as having oppositional defiant disorder as a comorbid disorder with ADHD so maybe that is a contributing factor.
In any case, my apparent lack of consideration for anyone other than myself and my defensiveness towards anything my wife says to me, are destroying my wife. She is a "highly sensitive introvert." Unfortunately for her, she married her complete opposite and over the years it has taken it's toll on her.
I want to get better, but sometimes I wonder if I haven't gone as far as I can go. I will always have ADHD. Maybe if I hired a personal coach to follow me around all tbe time around all day, reminding me what to do, coaching me through moments of defensiveness and laziness, I could be a better husband and father. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier on her if I just moved out so I wasn't such a burden on her.
Me being out of work for the last 3 months has just added to her stress and constantly being around her, she has plenty of opportunity to nag, which I don't really blame her for but it makes me angrier and angrier. The more she nags, the more resistance I feel building inside of me. Am I that childish that I resist just because I don't like being told what to do? I'm not good person if that is truely what is going on in me. I don't see myself that way but they say the proof is in the pudding and actions speak louder than words.
How do I get better? Is there a "next level" I can be shooting for? How much better can I get? Are there ultimate limitations with ADHD? If so, how does one know when to stop fighting and accept who you are? Am I wrong to want to just be normal and feel like Im an okay guy? Somehow, I doubt that I'll ever see that day, at least not this side of heaven.
Anyone else out there going through similar circumstances? Is ther any hope of being a husband that my wife can respect, trust and depend on?