My husband of 30 years was laid off five years ago from a job that he never loved, but felt trapped in for 20 years. He received a diagnosis of ADHD after our son was diagnosed about 9 years ago. He seemed to experience some relief after the diagnosis, and started taking Adderall which he claimed did help him to focus. When he lost his job, he was optimistic that this opportunity (complete with a year of severance pay) would be the chance he needed to reinvent himself, but instead it has turned into a devastating mess. I know there is a great person inside of him, but it's hard to explain how difficult it is to face every day with him, when he has such a distant view of reality. My income is not enough to support us, and only a second mortgage is keeping us afloat. My husband spends his days(after getting up between 10 and noon)surrounded by the 40 or so library books he has checked out at any one time (on a huge variety of topics). Of course, he also spends hours on the internet, and he keeps our DVR full of recorded programs from the cable subscription that we can't afford, but he refuses to cancel. He has always been interested in investing, and is actively studying that as a way to make money. To me, the non risk taker in the family, there is not much difference between this and gambling. I have tried to tell them that I can support his passion, but that I need more information about what the short term plan is. That always ends the conversation.
His home "office" which has always been a disaster, has expanded to fill three rooms with piles of papers (plus the attic) in spite of the fact that he insists that he wants to clean it up. I bought a scanner for him which he never took out of the box.
I did initiate getting us some couples counseling at two points when we were at an impasse about what should happen next, but both times he bailed when it got tough. He believes that counseling is a waste of time and money, and that he has the power to change without it. Both therapists that we saw talked to him about the role of depression with his ADHD, but even though he took Wellbutrin sporadically, he didn't buy into it enough to help. I continued to go to counseling on my own, and it helped me, but I think I am at the place where I need to separate for a while. Finances and the fear of putting my college age daughter in the middle(more than she already is) are the roadblocks. On the bright side, after 5 years of pretty severe insomnia, I am making progress with that thanks to online CBT training.
I got Melissa's great book about 6 months ago, and bought him a copy as well. I realized that we are in the middle of such a complicated mess, and there are some big struggles that I truly believe need professional attention. The book gave me hope because I realized how much my reactions to the ADHD behaviors were in my control, and I can't stand the idea of giving up on the marriage even though right now, the love I have for him is flawed.
My husband can be one of the most logical people in a room, but I can't believe how that logic collapses when he looks at all of this. There are times when he is down on himself for the damage that has been done to the relationships with friends and family, but he can also be more positive and seem to pretend that everything is fine.
A few months ago, I started working at home, so now I can see what he is doing all day, and it is driving me absolutely crazy. He tells me that if I leave, even if I mean it to be temporary, that it would be the end .
I fantasize about what it would be like to live without chaos, in peace and safety. I have started taking more cheap vacations on my own (like hiking with friends), but as soon as I come home back to the mess I want to leave again.
I would love to hear if anyone has found a way out when their spouse was completely stuck and resistant to getting help.