Abandoned and angry

Married 16 years, 6 kids. None of the issues we are experiencing now are new, but things have never been worse.

The first 4 years of our marriage were very traumatic to me because I left my country to move to his, and when I arrived there he did nothing to provide for us. He wanted to study so he did that, and I had to go to the humiliation to go the welfare office so we had money to eat. Nobody hired me because I did not know the language and then I found myself pregnant. I resented him ever since for that time.

On year 4 but he got a transfer to the US where he got a good deal studying for free and housing expenses paid, and then a very safe job, and that's how we lived 11 years. Sadly, we lived under constant threat of him being fired because of all the stuff he forgot or misunderstood or did not do or his defiance. He finally managed to get fired from a job nobody gets fired from.

We are now back on his country. He is working at a factory because that's what he could find. He promised he would try to find something better, but never gets around to. Every month we need to borrow money from our parents and instead of being ashamed he is relieved. He is satisfied with the bare minimum and only acts AFTER our family has nothing to eat. I have to beg and plead for him to do anything, and he keeps losing money from not paying bills on time or forgetting to send forms etc. I would come to the rescue if a could, but he lies about how bad things are, and a lot of this stuff is in his name so I can't. I have looked for jobs since I got here last November, but sadly as a foreigner, my chances are not so good, so I have applied for university and am waiting to hear the answer (free university and you get a salary to study)

We are destitute and there is no hope for things to get better. Every time he messes up he mumbles "sorry" and looks at me with that blank look on his face. He does not react normally to things and sits there like a robot when I desperately try to explain to him why it is important he does not lie to me, or minimize the seriousness of not paying bills. He does NOTHING unless I hold him by the hand and do it with him or call reminding him every hour. He is like a child and that is repulsive to me.

The problems were suspended for 10 years while he had that job where people were forever patient and I was talking care of things. Now that we depend on him alone, things are worse than in those 4 traumatic first years.

It is going to sound awful, but I hate him now. I wish he would just leave and never come back. The kids and I would be better off financially if he did because what he makes is half of what I could get of support for singles moms until I got a job. Also, he would not be here to dig us deeper into debt.

I am this close to filing for divorce, but I haven't because of the kids. Despite letting us down constantly, the kids love him. So I am stuck and trying to figure out how to live with someone that makes me cry everyday with how abandoned he makes me feel. "I care" or "Things will get better" or "I promise I will take care of this" all lies said with that blank look on his face. It is a never ending mockery I feel, because I can say the same thing every 48 hours and he acts like it is the first time he is hearing it, and then he blames me for his incompetence. I hate him for this.

Sorry... I know I don't sound nice, but I am desperat, devastated and done. And I have nobody i can talk to about it.

P. S. He was diagnosed in 2006 and was on Ritalin for a few years. Honestly there was not much difference besides making him very angry

situation

Redpoppy, this is a tough situation all around. You don't sound not nice, you sound like you are dealing with a lot. It sounds like your spouse means well but does not have the tools to do what you wish he would do. So he promises and means well, but, unless he decides to get treatment and make changes for himself, he might go on like this indefinitely. And as you found, medication alone will not do it. 

My advice? Your hope that he could support you and your family is not working out. Assume that your husband is not going to change any time soon and ask yourself what you would do if he weren't there. Are there resources anywhere that can help you? A community center or place with people from your home? Support for mothers? Can you take over or participate in the household finances and bill paying, to give yourself some control over what is going on? Find even a small part time job to get you started with a work history and some funds of your own?

I definitely don't know your whole situation and hope I am not speaking out of turn, but I would also do anything I could to ensure I did not have any more children with this man. My best to you. I hope it works out.