Hello,
My partner of 20 years was diagnosed with grave ADD a year ago. Now I've tried to read about how couples can cope together. It seems to be important, in order to communicate honestly and avoid blaming the person with ADD, to separate person from symptoms. My partner, however, states he is incapable of making that distinction. This means he can't tolerate to be reminded of his ADD issues. Conversations about how to solve our (significant) relationship, financial and practical problems invariably end in painful emotional outbursts, and I'm at breaking point. His psychiatrist is currently trying out medication and it has rather made our situation worse. My partner has however regained ability to work and seems to do better away from me.
What can be done? Is there any way for my partner to separate his symptoms from his moral self and be able to address the symptoms calmly and rationally with me?
Emotions and ADHD
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Your partner's response is likely connected to difficult feelings about being pathologized with a label, by wondering inside if he is the reason so many problems exist in your relationship, by thinking that perhaps he's a failure or, conversely, resisting having other people critique him (which if he has ADHD he has had an issue with for much of his life - it's a form of emotional trauma that many adults with ADHD carry with them without that label.)
Difficulty managing emotions of all sorts is a significant part of adult ADHD. There is a great video about how this works, why it's the ADHD, and some of the ways to better manage emotions that was given by Russell Barkley. He is a top US researcher into ADHD, and believes that poor emotional control should be part of the diagnostic and symptom list for adult ADHD (which it is not at the moment, even though it's a truly significant issue.). You can find the video here.
In the meantime, I urge you to try to be empathetic to how hard this is for him. It often takes people a year or more to learn how to take onboard the idea that they have ADHD and learn how to manage it AFTER they finally determine they should. Your partner doesn't sound like he's at that place yet. That means his symptoms are fully with him, etc etc. I do offer a treatment ebook that you can download from my home page if that might help a bit. And you can start to sort through what's really important to you and what you might let go of, too. Focus on only one major topic at a time, and include him in figuring out which might be easiest for him to start addressing. Part of emotional dysregulation is also managing feelings of overwhelm and addressing feeling critiqued.
Then avail yourselves of the tools that might help that particular area. One of the best ways to learn about them is to take my couples seminar - if you're overseas you can either register for the live seminar and listen to the recordings on a set day later in the week, or get the self-study (the downside of which is that you might not keep up with it because you can do it 'anytime'.). Or, if that's too much of an investment of time/energy, perhaps my first book The ADHD Effect on Marriage is a good starting place.
As you'll see in my materials (particularly the seminar, which I keep updated) is that there are things you as the non-ADHD partner can do, too, particularly in the area of not parenting and finding ways to express your needs that are less likely to come across as being critical. Though, as I write that I also acknowledge that sensitivity to the possibility of being critiqued is so intense in adults with undermanaged ADHD, that even things that are stated neutrally can be interpreted as a critique, so this can be a challenge (I ran into that all the time in my own relationship. Bleh!)
Bottom line is that the emotional reactions are part of the ADHD, and not just random...it is an area that needs attention in order for the two of you to move forward and you may wish to try in gentle ways to urge your partner to address those - whether you call them ADHD or not.
Thank you!
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Oh thank you Melissa Orlov. I never expected a personal answer in a few hours!
Your advice is comforting. Probably patience and waiting is the best strategy for me at the moment then. I would like to save our relationship even though it has been heartbreaking the last few years.
Kind regards,
Swedish coast
The "label". The struggle. And then also you.
Submitted by swampyankee on
I relate to this.
I get that the partner with ADHD might react to being pathologized or labelled. I suppose it's akin to being stereotyped. I've been stereotyped, as a woman, so I know what that feels like.
On the other hand: there's you. What do YOU need in a partner? Is this what you signed up for?
That's what I'm asking myself, these days.
What do I need?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
The question you are asking ' what do I need?' is perfect! You are in charge of your own life, and in making sure that you are doing what you can to have a life that meets your own expectations or fulfills you. Partners are one part of that, of course, but not the only part.
A really great way to think through some of the 'what do I need?' questions is the book Boundary Boss by Teri Cole. Love it, and have found it extremely helpful when thinking about my own 'what do I need or want?' issues and how do I differentiate 'want' from 'need'? Consider grabbing a copy, finding a quiet, comforting place to curl up with it, and moving through it. The exercises around boundary intensity are particularly helpful, I think, for partners in ADHD-impacted relationships (both those with and those without ADHD).
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you. You are so right. And it is so difficult drawing the line.
Kind regards,
Swedish coast
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you for your support.
Kind regards,
Swedish coast
Better apart....
Submitted by c ur self on
He is in his element...I would guess you are better apart also, in many area's of life....Like peacefulness, and calmness...This reality is the clue for sustaining what is possible in your relationship when together....
He is accepted without you....As you are as well...His life style (choice's and lived out symptoms) doesn't create any issues for others...There is no one to point it out, so no one to create negative emotions in him...He has all the same feelings as you do...He feels he is important....Just as you do, and are....So to answer your question...No, he can't separate the working of his mind from the following feelings and behaviors, no more than you can...Those of us who are married to high level adders, do well to never attempt to think for them, or fix them (It's impossible)...Conversation attempts about lived our behaviors become emotional like you've stated here, because your pressing for behaviors that are normal to you, but greek to him....
I could never live like my wife, and would never want to...But it's what she is capable of....So mutual respect and boundaries are the only way for us to make it day to day in a peaceful manner....Do you realize that your husband probably envy's your abilities in life? To make life as easy as you do?...My wife does, most adder's work very hard to be half way organized...With their brains, it's a huge chore...
The fact is (after 20 years, you know it well) most high level adders, aren't marriage material when it comes to being able to coexist in a non intrusive way....Their living of life in most cases will be intrusive, even with their best efforts....
Blessings to you both
c
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you for your input. This situation is so very diffficult to accept.
Kind regards,
Swedish coast