About to cross the crossroads


I am new to online communities and new to living with a partner with ADHD; obviously I am in a crisis moment. 

My partner of over 13 years was diagnosed with adult ADHD last summer and began medication after we had a three month separation. He started with a counselor but gave up because he did not have the time to do the work.  We have two boys aged 4 and 12 and well after reading some of the posts here I guess I don't have it that bad.  My partner picks up the 4 year old and makes dinner every night, he does laundry, can grocery shop (although never looks at prices and buys a tone of junk not on the list), cleans and takes care of  the house and is able to work full time at a good job.  He is French and I am English and when we met we could not communicate and now most of our communication is in english which I know can be very hard for him.  He has been trying for the last  8 months to please me and I have shut him out which resulted in him leaving 2 months ago. After he left I found empty alcohol bottles hidden all over his room as we were sleeping in separate rooms the last month. 

I have read Is it you me or Adult ADHD and I am in the first third of The ADHD effect on Marriage. I do not know if my marriage is worth saving or if it can be saved or even if my partner or I want to save it.

He is putting the blame on me as I am very angry and yell at him all the time he says that he lives in a state of fear and I get it, I do all those things.  I also do all the planning, take care of all financial decisions (including all of the accounting for my partner's business), dentists, doctors, school items everything  that is not included in the tasks above. I also make most of the money, live in a half renovated home (that he wanted and was going to renovate but it is not done because I have not done the plans).

I am in a city where I have one friend and no family. I have a great job that I love and get wonderful satisfaction from  but it also requires me to work 12 hour days and some weekends as I am in a high level managerial position in a large company. I feel guilty because I have put my career before my partner but honestly it was because I was in crisis mode at work for the last 4 months and had to do a lot of work to make deadlines etc. and my partner just kept asking for my attention and love and I just did not have the time or energy to do it.  I tried to explain but he just didn't get it so now he has left me and the children.

I have made an appointment to get professional help.

All my partner wants is for me to lower my expectations and to show my love and appreciation for him.  He deserves this. He deserves to feel love as do I.

I do not know if I can give this after 13 years of managing the home and falling into almost every trend that I have so far read in the ADHD effect on marriage. I am his mother, I am no longer interested in sex and I am so tired, I nag, I yell I do anything I need to do to get the job done.  I am tired of working so hard with nothing to show for it. I went back to school when my oldest son was one and I worked really hard and got a undergrad then a masters certificate all while my partner was financially supporting the family.  Then I got the career I wanted, we had another baby, saved for a home, bought the home he wanted in the neighborhood he wanted. If we divorce we lose everything that we worked on together and start at the beginning as all of this happened in the last 7-8 years. I know I will be ok in the long run, I set up my life so that I could do it without a partner as I believe that this is an unfortunate reality but I worry about what will happen to my partner, the father of my children.

I want a partner who will ask me how my day was and listen.  A partner who will not constantly interrupt me.  A partner who will do shows of love and appreciation for things that I actually want or am interested in rather than things that he wants to do that also benefit me.  Ie. Making the family a breakfast that I don't like (fatty foods) but then leaving the mess for me to clean up as he goes off to the next thing on his list.  I want a partner who will plan in advance so that I am not stuck having to do it all,  I want a partner who can have empathy and actually understand how much stress I deal with on and off the job.

Interesting enough I can mange all of this as I have been doing the single mom bit for 2 months and I don't yell anymore and my house is cleaner and I am happier and I know it is because my partner is the straw that breaks the camels back.

Has anyone is this group had success of being in a relationship and working out the issues so that you could have a healthy and functioning relationship?

I am willing to work on it if it could lead to results but if not then I am giving up and moving on to a happier life. Regardless of working on my marriage I will be working on myself as I am not happy with the way that I am or the person I have become.

I just want to be happy.