Acceptance and Resilience

I have given energy and time trying to figure things out since I found this site in March and since my mother died at the end of last year.  I believe I went into a bit of a depression/anxiety and DH withdrew.

To be resilient, I get to let the past go.  Learn from it.  Accept the reality. But rather than live in the resentment of the past or the uncertainty of the future, I am trying to find some balance and peace.

I am trying to spend more time on accepting life and death and suffering and the reality of humanity. I realize that things in the world are not perfectly the way I want them to be and that I don't have to try to make other people be the way I would like them to be for me. It is not my responsibility to control life. I CAN however, decide how to feel.  I want to be done feeling depressed and lonely and frustrated and angry.  It is not good for my health - physically, emotionally or spiritually.  It is not good for so many reasons.

I needed to be heard while i processed what I put on top of my mind - DH's failings and my own fears.  What else was on my mind that I didn't have a place to share (or thought that I should not be so emotional about)?  My anger that my mom suffered so much and so long before her death.  My guilt that I didn't do more to ease her suffering.  My fear that I might also have inherited the gene of Alzheimers with the fear of not having enough money to be able to pay for the expensive care that it takes from the family.  The loss of my family farm to be sold to pay for Mom's care. The loss of youth. The loss of energy and vitality. The discovery that DH has been lagging on bills and is in debt and made no preparation for our retirement and is assuming that I will take care of the bills. Taking a look at how DH and I do not communicate. A feeling of distance from God. A new feeling of disgust with my self. Increased animosity between family members.

Sometimes life takes a bunch of things away from you all at once or gradually and it takes a while to notice there are holes left behind and you feel at a loss to fill them.  I have been spending time on this site looking at what is wrong to figure out why I have been feeling so bad.  I have been grieving.  Something we need to do when people and hope die.  It just feels like everything in my life right now is pointing downward.  I had become afraid and tentative in the fear of what else might happen that will hurt.  Afraid of the loss and afraid of the hurt.

Yes, this is posted on Progress and Hope category.  The realization that everyone has challenges but it is up to us to decide how to feel along the way.  There are people who live cushy, beloved, resource full lives who get into the habit of feeling angry and sad and lonely.  There are people who have disabilities and are truly alone and in scary situations who look death in the eye with grace and acceptance.  

I will stop beating myself up for being where I am in life. I am as Life made me be. I get my share of sorrow.  Resilience is a process of getting through a tough time and not letting it negatively affect who you are long term.  Growth and maturity happen after personal struggle or challenge - not from reading about it in books.  I thank God for the challenge.  I am not saying how this will turn out, but I am looking at it through stronger will and clearer eyes and giving my heart the permission to accept what has gone on and heal and sing and have faith.

I want to be part of Life that laughs and connects and enjoys and appreciates and dreams and creates. If there is something that keeps me from doing that, then I will need to walk away.  I won't permit so much room in my heart for anger any more. I will work on the solutions more often and I will put less of my thoughts on the problems.