For the past two days I have been so blah. I have been crying at the drop of a dime and feeling like crawling into a hole, not speaking to anyone or going out. I have been irritable and trying not to take it out on my ADHD husband because he has done nothing wrong, just what people with ADHD do. The truth is that I am accepting the reality that even though he is reading books on his new diagnosis and taking 20 herbal pills, vitamins and minerals a day and changing his diet, he may never be able to be the husband that I need or want. I now understand why he doesn't compliment me when the whole world does everyday, why I can text him lovingly 5 times a day to see how he is and how work is going or just to tell him I am on my way home and he hardly ever responds to me, why I can tell him I feel ill and he doesn't even ask me what is wrong, why he doesn't buy me gifts even though I shower him with personal things I know would make him feel appreciated and mean a lot to him. It is so hard to be a thoughtful person that aches to be in love and wants to feel special and be married to someone that loves you and is just not wired like you. I am happy that he has improved greatly in his tantrum area since that was the worst, it made me feel nervous, anxious and I just wanted to die rather than be around him at those times. So I have that to be happy about. Today I feel like someone died and I feel a loss. The acceptance that this may be all that I will ever get is hard. Now that there is a diagnosis and that I see that so many other people act exactly as he does makes me see that no matter how much he tries, wants to try, reads, swallows pills, he may never be thoughtful, romantic, attentive or a gift giver. I guess tonight, after 25 years of marriage, I have to accept that when he says he loves me, I must believe him, even though the way he loves me is not how I would love to be loved. I have compassion for him and after 25 years, I have suffered through my love for him and tried to understand how someone that says they love you can continue to hurt you even after you specifically tell them what hurts you but I still stand by my vow. I can't help but think that my role is that of doctor and he is my patient. Any void I feel as a woman has to be fulfilled by me. My addiction to makeup has resurfaced in the last few weeks since it makes me feel wonderful. Not only do I feel beautiful but when I buy it or order it, it is a gift to myself. But makeup can't fill the void of feeling that you are someone's priority everyday. All I ever wanted was someone that would never stop choosing me. So he is trying to be better however, after 25 yrs of me waiting, I wonder if he can ever catch up to where I am in my needs as a woman. He has been with me since I was 15 and now I am 42 and have lost a lot of time aching for the love he promised me. He didn't know he couldn't love me the way I needed to be loved because he hates himself so much. This is it babe, when you get dolled up and other men say "hey there beautiful, you look great!" and my own husband says nothing, or when I go out of my way to do loving things for him and he doesn't reciprocate, I must accept the reality. All I know from his mouth is that he loves me, I hear him say it, I just don't feel it and I know that saying the words is not enough to make a woman happy, but it's all I have. Unreciprocated effort on my part is exhausting and depleting and makes me feel empty inside- yet he looks at me and says "what is wrong?" Of course when I explain, he feels worse because he doesn't even realize he has done something thoughtless, or doesn't see the issue. So I try to put myself in his shoes...when does he put himself in my shoes? Oh that's right....ADHD, he is on page 1 and I am at the end of the book. God give me strength beyond what is normal so that I can continue to smile and love him and help him without losing myself. I thank God for my family and friends. I have so much to be grateful for. Maybe tomorrow will be better, haven't felt this way in a while. I guess I am grieving. It's been a long time to not have what you want. At 42, I am in my prime and ready to have him dote on me and be romanced. Lowering my expectations is my way of protecting myself but again, I get the short end of the stick since I still want all those things that I am denied. I thought about not texting him throughout the day and just buying him one gift a year for our anniversary instead of whenever I saw something he would love. Sad that I feel that I have to save that energy and go against the grain of my character but it leaves me depleted to do all the work. If I do everything or nothing I get the same from him. Funny thing is that if I stop, he notices and says, "you hardly text anymore". What? My actions are not cues for him...yes I know, ADHD. I cry and ache inside. It's not his fault but it's not mine either. I am a positive and happy person by nature which is why this funk is bothering me. Thank you for letting me vent.