Submitted by Exhausted44 on 08/11/2020.
My ADD husband found out today he now has type 2 diabetes. He knew this was coming, as he had several borderline labs. Yet today he was "so shocked". :/ He says he's been "busting his balls" with diet and exercise. I say- I'm not so shocked bc I watched you down a 32 oz Coke and ice cream 3 days ago. Oh- but that was a special occasion! It wasn't, other than being a Saturday. So now I have this added onto my already full and overflowing plate. He won't take the time to learn about it or plan meals. I am sure I will be expected to learn and make appropriate meals for him and our 5 kids. That's all I needed was ONE MORE THING to have to deal with.
Diabetes
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
My husband also has Type 2 diabetes. For the first year he hyperfocused on it and cut out any food that would be considered bad. It was amazing and he lost a ton of weight and virtually cured his diabetes with diet. I was so impressed and proud of him. And then one day he just stopped caring. He eats a whole pint of ice cream at time, bags of chips, candy bars, etc. Daily. It is of course up to you how much you get involved, but personally, I could not add this to my already overflowing plate. I can't be responsible for his diet and he has proven he CAN be if he wants to be. I cook reasonable, nutritionally-balanced family meals and if he needs to modify, that is up to him. If he is not going to cut out the sugar-filled snacking, I am certainly not going to modify all our meals. He also does not exercise.
I know it's hard to do because you don't want your husband to experience health problems, but if you need someone to tell you this isn't your responsibility... well, this isn't your responsibility! :) This is up to him and his doctor and or dietitian to work on.
You’re right!
Submitted by Exhausted44 on
I know you are so right but it's so hard to step back and stop being the rescuer. Not only am I his wife but I'm a medical person (NP) so it seems doubly hard. But this is something I have started working on in several areas- just distancing myself from issues related to his ADHD. I am going to have to or my head is going to explode! Lol
Rescuing
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I know just what you mean. It is so hard to stand back. My instinct was always to swoop in, but I wore myself out doing it (been with my partner about as long as you have been with yours). Now I feel good about the few things I can step back from. I don't help him find the many daily lost/misplaced items, for instance. Huge relief for me and he is accountable all on his own. I wish I could step back more but so much of what he does impacts the entire family. I hear you on the exploding head!!
Health
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
KeriC,
My fiance had a heart attack in February. He has been mostly vigilant about what he eats ever since they put stents in, to unblock two arteries. His Cardiologist told him he needs to exercise and lose weight, and stop smoking weed.
He has lost some weight, started riding his bike around town, takes all of his medication and monitors his blood pressure and OSAT daily. (Oxygen saturation). He has not stopped smoking. The day of his heart attack, he had a coughing fit, and was spitting up blood. He was a 2 1/2 pack a day cigarette smoker before we met and hasn't smoked in over 10 years, which is good. He also has issues with nerve damage from a herniated disk in his neck, and is going to physical therapy once a week. While all these changes are positive, I do worry that he relies on marijuana a little too much, given his history with addiction.
I can only encourage his positive choices and support him. It will be up to him to give up the weed, and I am done worrying/commenting on it. He is going to do what he is going to do. Separate....distance.
Separate and distance
Submitted by Exhausted44 on
This is something I have really been working on. Separating myself from his issues and letting things play out. It's hard, bc for 23 years I have parented and rescued him. But I can do it. I am going to have to for my own sanity.
Our screwed up focus......
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Keri....I agree w/ melody, it's NOT ur responsibility.....We are our diets in many ways, and you, me, our spouses and every adult living can choose what, and how much to eat or drink..(If we are blessed to afford it)....You like many of us may watch someone we love destroy themselves more quickly than natural decline would take them...Do you know what speeds poor health worse than, or just as bad as poor diet?? I bet you said Yes, stress and anxiety....Your right....Take care of yourself, be a good mommy and loving wife...But never stress over what is out of your control...
Bless u!
c
Stress and anxiety
Submitted by Exhausted44 on
I started having anxiety issues about 3-4 years into our marriage. I have chronic dreams that some emergency is happening and my husband can not be found. He is supposed to be somewhere but isn't. So I am going to have to learn to step away- I have been working on doing that but it's not always easy. It's not how I want it to be- but I've come to terms that it never will be.
You have adapted....
Submitted by c ur self on
Caring devoted spouses adapt....But, much of that can be unhealthy....Because we can't cope with, or think for them, we fill in the holes...Then over time we start suffering the consequences of our actions....The reason melody and I and so many more understand you so well is, we live or have lived much the same way...We adapted and filled in the holes trying to make sense of life (keep it together)....If you ask us, was it imperative that we step in and fill these holes, most of us would say, Yes, without much thought....If you ask most of our spouses, the same questions about us...Many of them would say they are fine, and our efforts are not necessary....Or worse, they may say we have a control issue.....Which we do in part...That's the adapting I was speaking of....We see the train wrecks their lives are producing...And being a loving spouse we refuse to walk away and let the crash happen...Like melody said, so much of it, effects us (the family)....
My first wife of 30 years (lost her to breast C. at age 49) had chronic dreams, anxiety, migraine's and an occasional anxiety attack....She had Trichotillomania (OCD)....She would wake me up whimpering in her sleep, I would shake her and hold her until she went back off to sound sleep....She was a gentle sweet soul....I always knew something wasn't right...But when I would talk about different things that might have happened to her, she would just get upset, and say she couldn't remember anything....When she was in her early 40's, she woke me up crying out loudly...She said she remembered being molested by a brother in law when she was 14 or so....She evidently had suppressed it past her recall for all those years...Her anxiety and mental health improved once she came to grips with what had happened that wasn't in her control...Even her enjoyment of sex improved, over those last years....
Our spouses will only live the way they are capable...We all do...Some of us can see the big picture much better, we can organize all parts of life much better...But, not so for many of our add/adhd spouses....People are a mix of nature, nurture, spirit and soul....It's difficult some times to know just what is driving certain behaviors....
c