ADD husband always ruins holidays

This makes me so sad. I'm spending yet another Christmas alone because my ADD husband screamed at me, slammed the door in my face and left for a day. We live with his parents due to poverty, and I'm disabled living without teeth or denture (I need a bone graft we can't afford to wear a denture). I'm in a foreign country, unfamiliar state, can't really even walk far or get anywhere without help, and my inlaws don't really like me (they don't appreciate that I keep asking their son to get treatment because his ADD is "not a big deal", according to them. I pretty much spend my Christmas in tears alone in the room while he just insulted me and disappeared. It especially hurts because I cooked so much and baked for his work potluck, and I'm very very exhausted and he promised to help and be around but his mood changed and he just started treating me like I'm inhuman piece of sh*t . Do all of them ruin holidays like this? Does anybody know why? Maria.

Considering that he

Considering that he eventually came home and when asked where he's been, started screaming obscenities at me, calling me a disgusting, nasty, untouchable, useless, unlovable, fat old hefer (im 130 lbs and most of it is swelling from disease)and a psychotic crazy-*ss b*tch, threatening to throw me into the streets to die without my medication, I assume this has nothing to do with his ADD and I just married a monster. I'm tired of ADD excuses to treat me in inhuman manner.

This isn't ADHD.  This is a

This isn't ADHD.  This is a personality disorder.  My H ruins almost every holiday.  This year, he didn't want to be with the family, so I went to one of our vacation homes to celebrate with our kids.  He still managed to negatively affect our holiday.  At about 9pm on Christmas Eve, he sent me this ominous text that sounded like he was going to commit suicide.  I tried to call him, but the call went to voice mail.  Then one of our kids tried to call him, and again the call went to voice mail.  I was scared but one of our kids commented that dad was ruining another holiday .  

I had a revelation today

He is a narcissist. My parents are malignant narcissists. I"m not going to go into details but we do not talk. At all. They have done great harm to me, including literal abuse, and many attempts to ruin my relationships (one successful) and my physical health. I was reading a book about narcissistic mothers by Danu Morrigan ( her pen name), and it has a chapter about victims of narcissistic abuse who always seek out narcissists and vice versa, because it's all we know really, and narcissists look to codependent people for their supply. I had no attention as a child, all attention was on my artist father, and when he left-on my artist mother, so I was either in rags, unattended, failing my studies, working for her or attending her functions as a personal slave I mean assistant, so I really really melt when somebody pays any attention to me. I strive so hard to please. Even when I can barely move, I would bake if you ask, will do anything until it nearly kills me. That's how I met my husband-I was heartbroken, just abandoned by my ex boyfriend (my father helped convince him to leave me when I became disabled) , I was vulnerable, scared, and my now husband showered me with love and undivided attention...that he later will intersperse with cold ignoring attitude and outright abuse-first shaking me by the shoulders, then calling names, then slamming me into things/floor/wall, screaming, threatening me, and so on and so forth. He would warm up for awhile when he sees that I'm drifting away and feel sad and upset, at first he was very apologetic in between his outbursts. Now he just tells me that I deserved it all, and lies about things he says. He is very abusive. His parents think its normal. I'm not joking. His father was just standing there and WATCHING him call me a stupid bitch right in front of him as I cowered in the corner crying. "Fat stupid ugly unlovable disgusting psychopathic bitch" and so on and so forth , non stop barrage of insults. He tried attacking me as he did before, but jumped away as I screamed for help. I'm disabled. I was shaking for two days from fear, couldn't stop cryng, couldn't eat or think straight. He didn't even apologize, just watched movies with mom and dad as I cried in the back. Noone as usual even acted like I exist. He is a narcissist. I'm trapped with a narcissist and depend on him as he barely makes money to cover my medication and he promises me weekly to cut me off and throw me into the street. His parents are fine with that. They just laugh when I tell them this. He even put bruises on my arm shoving me into the doorframe and they suggested that we both leave. When I told them I will die without medication if he cuts me off, his mother laughed and said" Well honey, if you dont love my son he shouldn't pay for you, right?"  

A Piece of the Puzzle TelltaleArt

I feel for you deeply since I can relate to the things you said myself.  This has been a long journey of recovery for me so I do understand completely.  One thing you said however, I might be able to give you some insight into for yourself only.  This will not do anything more than give you some peace and resolution to your past perhaps...but that will do amazing things for your own peace of mind I have found and it will help see your way to seeing things more clearly?  This is in direct relationship to the things you said here about yourself as well?  I also wanted to point out...that these are things I learned directly from my therapist so this is definitely not saying that what you see or how you feel about your past and current situation are incorrect...but with a couple of minor adjustments to get the pieces or the puzzle to all fit together as they should ( or as they really are more to the fact ).

My parents are malignant narcissists.  Actually, that is usually not the case.

"because it's all we know really, and narcissists look to co-dependent people for their supply."

There is a thing or concept within the definition of a co-dependent personality that is called....."Co-Narcissit"....which is the power or control factor exerted on you....to become there other half in the one that serves them and feeds their supply?  If you can see this as just "one" piece...of the puzzle speaking about this that way?  The Narcissist ( by default...not with this intention or goal stated outright specifically )...will try and mold or shape (you)....the co-narcissist...into the one who "caters' to their needs"...... and this one....I know like the  back of my own hand?

Before I knew anything...and I mean absolutely nothing about this....there was time pretty early on when I was younger...where I came up with that all on my own?  The idea or feeling like I was "catering" or in essence.......serving something but had no idea what?  And this is where I think that boy and girls are different in many ways especially when you are younger?

As I have been reading a lot lately about the differences between boys and girls with ADHD....it appears that girls with ADHD...seem to fly under the radar and don't make waves as much as boys do at the same age?  Apparently....more often inattentive and withdraw and become shy and quiet and not very assertive?  This is just from what I have read but I have seen this in my own family as well with my older sisters' but since they were quite a bit ahead of me in age....I had to go back re-think this an apply it to them ...not as I remember them as being younger....but now....as I see them in my remembrance...and applying it to them coming from the other direction?  That is....seeing my older sisters as children....with me being the adult now?  When I can do this well and just test to see if the piece fits....iif it fits....it fits...and if it doesn't......it doesn't?  Just like a Jig-Saw puzzle?

And the same applies to my mother for example?  For the longest time....I thought my mother was being abused by my father ( like me and my sisters ) and I could hear here Parotting my father or echoing his words?  I use to think,.....well, this is just what mothers do?  Not so much...but I believed it none the less?  But then....in turn, my mother would say things where I was going....huh?  That makes no sense and it's not what my father said or told me but as she was saying it  "(we) think you should"......which is when the "who's this we???" came out of my mouth because I would go check for myself to see what my father really said and he didn't say what my mother was saying at all?  In context....he may have said one part of what my mother said.....but my mother...took that part and combined it with what she wanted me to do....independently of anything my father said...but included him and this one "piece" that validated her at the same time?  Meaning...she was so unsure herself of what was right or wrong.....she had to defer to my fathers authority....even as she spoke and use his words....to guide her decisions and tell me what to do?  With me.....I clearly saw something wrong here...and mistrusted what my mother would say ( for good reason )....because, what my mother was telling me.....was just interpreting my father but incorrectly using herself?  Part of what my mother was saying was right...and part of it was wrong which makes for a very confusing dichotomy or sorts...until you realize what is happening?

The fact is.....if I wanted a straight answer on anything...I had to use my father to get it and for the most part......my father had a rather amazing ability to "read people" and "situations" correctly?  Not just "amazing" but uncanny and truly remarkable.  And within what my father wanted most of all....was respect and never questioning his authority ever!  No challenging him on anything...but if you learned to how to go with the flow....he had amazing insights into almost any situation....and could read and interpret people so well....he was almost never wrong?

The problem with that is....to actually have a close relationship with my father...you had to become subordinate to him at all times and this for me....just didn't fly?  Being a boy....and being subordinate,,,,was both embarrassing and ridiculed by other boys and seen as "wishy washy" and not "manly".!!!  Not so much.....( a pussy or cry baby )...but just too conciliatory like a girl....which could get you any number of negative reactions or disdain from other boys.  I end up....turning that around to my advantage by being the the one who would not back down from a challenge or be in the forefront of trouble or "fun ideas"...which meant.....things you were not suppose to do or go against the rules...which not only gained acceptance...but it actually helped in gaining a following that other boys gravitated too and gained friendships because of it?  There is a name for it too?  It's called  Opposition ally Defiant and passive aggressive?  You can sum this up into one word as well....."Rebel."

Littel boys.....like Rebels because Rebels go against authority and this goes over well in general...when it comes time for adventure of doing different things that others may not think of doing since....."you're not suppose to do them" ( according to the rule book ) but yet....they are really fun when you do...and as far as "fun" goes.....a Rebel is all about having a good time in referencing me and the things little boys love to do?  So in resect to me as a kid ...which in some actually really healthy ways just to survive this mess I found myself in....I wasn't the passive follower who just tagged along who was afraid.....I was more like the "spear head" for these things...and got others to follow along with me or at least...of like mind for mischief and trouble but not in an overly illegal way?  Mostly...it was just going against the standard practices that were designed as a rule to prevent people from hurting themselves or a general rule?  So ...if I wasn't the spear head myself....I was right there at the front of the pack so this ended up....being a way to be accepted despite...my other annoying features as far as fitting in with other boys which worked extremely well since...I was always invited and included to go along...because I rarely said NO ...but with an attitude to go along with it that said....."this guy don't dance for anyone."  A blessing and a curse..both at the same time?

side note:  This is where "I'm sorry" comes from as well?  "I'm sorry"...is not an apology in that respect....."I'm sorry" actually is pleading..."no contest"...in respect to "innocent" and "guilty"...which is not an easy "feeling" to describe?  Ambivalence is as close as you can get which I think is pretty accurate?  It's why I try to use the word "apology" when I actually am apologizing since....there is a difference for me at least...when I hear those two words?

Anyway...as I was reading what you said....you were referring to your mother as being the Narc in reading the book you read which is really interesting and enlightening for me as well to see the difference?  This is also really helpful to me in thinking about my wife as well?  I feel personally....that we both...were the co-Narcissists in our childhoods but her with a mother who was one...and me with a father who was one and how that plays out differently between and boy and girl....man and woman depending on the motivation and what the needs are between the two?

I can imagine from what I just said....that your father was the co-Narssist in this case which means.....everyone caters to the Narc...including the partner?  Which means....after too long...the non -Narc....starts turning into one by default since to keep the peace....you kind of have to if ...peace...is the only goal which is exactly what the Narc wants?  Peace....to a Narc means...always doing what they want at all times no mater how un-peaceful or disquieting it is for the person serving or catering to them?

And since little girls are kind of taught to "behave" and "be good" as the goal and are rewarded by being compliant......this does not work for little boys as I said....and for a little boy to be too conciliatory or compliant ( complaisant ) is viewed more like....."having no balls" and  being kind of a "pussy"?  That where what I described for myself came from?  In order not to be a "pussy"....you do what you can to compensate and that is how I compensated which worked like a charm for me...to gain acceptance and have and keep friends?

The other piece to this puzzle you mentioned here which was a huge discovery or revelation I had for myself which might give you some food for thought as well?

"Now he just tells me that I deserved it all"  The word deserve is a slippery one and easily passed over here?  I won't try and fit this to you but consider the word...."owe" and the word "entitlement" and see if that changes the meaning for you as you try and work this through for yourself?  Mostly....you deserve to be treated with respect (not respecting authority as my father saw it ) but with decent human courtesy and decency ( the decent ( from the millennia, as the common form of respect you are owed by being human? ) You are always owed that...no matter where you go and you've been violated in terms of this common decent form of respect.  Period.  Which not only invalidates his reasoning...it is pure Bullshit to even consider this on his account?  That is such a rationalization and pure horse shit statement...you should be saying those words to him right then as he says them?  You have a right...to stand up for your self when this kind of respect is violated and you really should be angry....not hurt in this case?  The word should...is really appropriately...but I know exactly why you feel the way you do and it does come from fear?  Fear makes you feel hurt....instead of angry like you should be and this is just to point out...the insidious effect on you and how it does damage to you that's all? You don;t deserve to be treated poorly...that's just him Bullshtting you into to thinking you should?  You should be angry and go tell him to jump in an ice cold lake and "chill"....for about a week!!! And then some.LOL 

More to think about and work through yourself?  The problem with being with a Narc if this is true....there is only one person who gets to be assertive....according to them at least?lol ( laughing appropriately!! )  Who this (we) again?  Says who?  You?

Even in my words you can see where this comes from?  I mostly got "hit" or "smacked"...for back talking more than anything from my father but it was almost the only way....that I could assert in autonomy for myself and remain uncontrollable...from someone who demanded control?  Every time I did that...I effectively ...."cut those strings" which was when the "wrench" came out.  Remember the movie....Goodwill Hunting?  That was me ( Matt Damon )....."how do you like them Apples ( m&*%^er F%^$#er !!! ) "Fuck it.....give me the wrench!!!"  If I had to choose between my dignity and sanity....I'll would forgo dignity in service of sanity any day of the week back then ( with some remnants of this obviously) but at least I am aware of it?   It's how I survived and kept my identity separate...from his?  At least that's where it came from with me...all said and done?

Which brings me to what you said here because it's all we know really, and narcissists look to codependent people for their supply. In the things I heard you say....I hear..."he threatens"...and "deserve"...and "trapped"....and...."abusive"...and I see another form abuse here whether you know it or not?  Controlling the money and keeping you poor you so you have to be dependent on him...without his help in some way?  In essence.....he's "got you" and "now your trapped."  Whether by direct intention or not...he's set this up this way as a means for power and to control you?  Same with the beating and physical abuse?  It's designed as means to terrorize you and instill fear in you and it's worked hasn't it......exactly as planned?

" Well honey, if you don't love my son he shouldn't pay for you, right?"   That to me...sounds like denial on his mothers part?  It is used as a rationalization to say...."These are the rules...the ones I learned from???? "   That was in part....my own mother talking as well?  Those statements with me going "yeah.....Okay mom"...but secretly going...."that was my father talking...not her?" which I recognized immediately since I could hear those words coming out his mouth...but not my mothers which struck me "odd"....but I had no idea why at the time?

TellTaleArt...you said something that I immediately recognize so I want to show you something that I have discovered for myself on your behalf with your best interest in mind here?

because it's all we know really, and narcissists look to co-dependent people for their supply.  This part...is absolutely true.  It's not from anything you did or anything your doing wrong.....it's in essence saying.....you didn't seek them....they sought you and you seemed to fit...into exactly what they wanted?  You were perfect for them and they Love you for it and will sing your praise which makes you feel good and accepted....but here's the down side of it for you...........

"I had no attention as a child, all attention was on my artist father, and when he left-on my artist mother, so I was either in rags, unattended, failing my studies, working for her or attending her functions as a personal slave I mean assistant, so I really really melt when somebody pays any attention to me. I strive so hard to please. Even when I can barely move, I would bake if you ask, will do anything until it nearly kills me. That's how I met my husband-I was heartbroken, just abandoned by my ex boyfriend (my father helped convince him to leave me when I became disabled) , I was vulnerable, scared, and my now husband showered me with love and undivided attention...that he later will intersperse with cold ignoring attitude and outright abuse-first shaking me by the shoulders, then calling names, then slamming me into things/floor/wall, screaming, threatening me, and so on and so forth."

You have a need...that has yet been filled?  Something was missing...and you still need it to this day?  Even if you think you don't....you do.  Trust me on that?  We all need this by the way...it just gets messed up when it was used as a tool or weapon against you that's all?  And the way it was used against you....was as a "carrot" to put in front of your face....that you can never get a hold of which only makes you work harder to get it...which is exactly what they want?  Which means?????????

Now what?

Cut the cord!!!!  Anyway you have to do it and no matter what the consequences of doing it are!!!  "Fuck it.....give me the wrench!!!! "  Stand up and be counted!!! And call a spade a spade!!!  "I am not your catering messenger errand server.....I cater to no one.....but myself!!!!   If you want some thing from me....your going to ask nicely and treat me with the decent respect that is "owed me"......"you owe me that much", right from the start!  And until I get that from you.....YOU DESERVE NOTHING FROM ME!!! Bring it on  (MOTHER FUCKER!! )"

I am not suggesting you say those words since those would be my would and how I might say it?  But if you put that back into the context of having to go up against a Narc like my father....I can tell you exactly what that statement is?  That...is like an ICBM  ( intercontinental ballistic nuclear missile ) that you just put dead on in the cross hairs at the core of a Narcissist?  You just nuked them right down to the core with a statement like that..and that will separate the wheat from the chaff in a hurry as a litmus test for Narcissism right there?  And then some!!! LOL

And I've got to say on my mothers behalf.....when she gew some giant cahonies...and pulled her own version of an ICBM  on my father like that?  It sunk his ship big time...and he was left up shits creek without a paddle you might say?  The one thing that a real Bully doesn't like....is for those who fight back and actually mean it?  They are full of idle threats.....if your respond like you mean it and there is no ifs ands or buts allowed........they got nothing and no leg to stand on?  But it's got to come from inside you....and it's not just "saying those words."  You have to be ready to back it up...and if they call your bluff....you have to be ready to put the hammer down.  Hard!!!   At least it will get their attention....and it's more likely they won't bug you or stop abusing you with intimidation tactics anymore?  They will go another route and I would count on that much....but at least ...not that one....and you will likely get a wider birth from them to operate under at the very least just for starters?  It won't solve the problem...but they will think twice if there is cost involved on their end of the stick? You will need to summon the courage....but the first thing you need to do...is stop believing them and believe in your self.  Know what I am saying?

I hope that gives some more ideas since that's all they are from my own experience but....there is some things in there that I know I am right about....it's just not the only method to get there...only what I had found myself as a way to survive and come out...as intact as possible ( meaning....with as much left as you got without losing any more? )

Sorry ( no contest! lol )  for the swearing here....but these were my actual words so to be authentic....I just said them...as they came out just to illustrate the point?

J

 

 

He is on Adderall now and its worse

... finally after years of intermittent abuse he went to the doctor, got his diagnosis straightened out and went on Adderall. It''s only been a week and he is aggressive daily now. I don't have a husband anymore. He seems to be an almost normal person in the mornings when he takes his meds, and then as the day progresses he gets impulsive and every word of mine makes him shake, close his eyes and rant, literally anything sets him off which he denies of course. Mocking my illness, tellng me I'm useless and just "suck" the money out of him (he works a low wage job and screams all the time that I should be glad to have him, hw expensive I am to keep alive, etc.), diminishes all the housework I do, and demands praise for every little thing he does around the house, threatens divorce and to throw me out (the house is not even his), to take away my medication....I just can't anymore.

I'm also really horrified that he actually tries to look like a   hero in times when others have a tragedy (and when he is not a hero). We had a fire next door  a week ago and a local man rescued a woman, carried her out of the fire (she sadly later died from injuries). It was terrifying, it shaken our entire neighbourhood.  There was another lady who was rescued by a relative and she thankfully lived. When the first woman, who sustained horrible burns, was out of the fire, my husband helped put out her clothes, and started ordering me around ( run there, get that), which I gladly did because we all were just panicked and terrified and EMTs took sweet time to get here. I'm disabled, cant run at all, but i did and nearly had  a stroke  that day, my blood pressure skyrocketed and I couldn't recover. again, we all were helping, we all were there, we alll tried to console the victim, we all are traumatized. But somehow my husband made himself later look as if he was providing her medical help (he wasn't, nobody was in fact), and even when I helped him write a Facebook post about this tragic incident ( the local media made some serious mistakes describing it and the neighbourhood was in uproar about it), he omitted everyone else who was helping, including me. I want absolutely zero fanfare about any help I tried to provide, but it scares me that he managed to completely omit everyone , and entirely remove me out of the picture, besides the obvious hero who carried the woman from the burning house, and insert himself as "the only medical service provider". It frigtens me beyond belief. After all the commotion was over and fire trucks left, he spent all night talking to every neighbour about his heroics, and I was at home sick with critical blood pressure. He never checked on me even after I called him at night. He's been walking the neighbourhood all week talking about how awesome he was and getting the praise. Things like this are frightening. Considering he abandoned me twice in the past when I was recovering from surgeries, I can see the pattern now.