I am 31, and I recently discovered that I have ADD. It feels like a ton of bricks have been lifted from my shoulders. I feel great about it. It has explained a great deal of my life. I've always had a sense that I was different, but I never knew what it was.
I've been married for almost 3 years now, and unfortunately my ADD has damaged my relationship with my wife. Actually, I believe all of my relationships were damaged due to my inability to focus on a significant other. As I am writing this, I realized that I just said "ADD has damaged...", but I do not want to blame the ADD. I gave into my inner desire to stay "busy" 24-7. I believe the word is "insatiable". I always assumed that my wife was happy because she never complained to me. As things went on, she sought out attention from others and had an emotional affair (over the internet).
It's been a little over three weeks since I discovered this emotional affair and it nearly ended our marriage. My wife and I had agreed to go to marriage counseling, and this is where my ADD was discovered. Since discovering this, I feel that things have greatly improved for the both of us. My wife had told me that she feels like this is our second honeymoon (while I was thinking the same exact thing). Now, we talk every day, mostly about how we feel and I am very excited about it. We are taking walks and preparing dinner together. I love it. Every night when we go to sleep, I tell her that "today is the second best day in my life." Second to the day I married her. I feel that and I believe that (but it has only been 3 weeks).
My biggest fear is that I will not be able to control my mind and I will drift off again. I am afraid I will become bored and irritated, mostly because this is how I have been in the past. I feel that I have been hyperfocusing on her and I don't want that to go away. If I were to compare myself to a stereo, I would either be on mute, or full blast. Never in between.
It's also embarrassing to say that I just discovered that women need emotional connections, while men need physical connections. I have a tendency to over-complicate and over-think things. Is it really as simple as just listening and talking? Spending time with her, helping her with the chores, going to the movies, talking about life, etc...? Maybe it's my ADD talking, but I feel that she would eventually get bored of that (mostly because I think that I would). I don't really know what "emotional connection" means. The word "emotion" makes me think of sadness, crying and frustration. I don't think I'm emotionally connected to myself. I have had a very low self-esteem growing up, mostly because I never fit in to any crowd. As an adult, I still have a low self-esteem but I have improved greatly, ever since I've been working as a software engineer. I receive a lot of praise for my workmanship and creativity.
I want to give her the world, but I don't know how. (<-- Just thinking this brings tears to my eyes...and I don't know why) When we got married, I told her that she did not have to work. (She has a masters degree). I assumed that she would have been happy and she would have looked at this as a sign of how much I love her - where I don't want her to have to put up with other peoples crap in the workplace. I did not want her to ever have to deal with stress. Needless to say, it was a bad idea because it made her feel lonely.
I want to keep her interested and excited but I feel it will be hard - because it is hard for me to stay interested and excited so I feel that everybody is like that.
The other day, I was looking thru some of the books in my library and came across a book that somebody had bought for me as a wedding gift. It was titled "What men know about women". I was actually excited to have come across this book, as I am desperate to find ways to make her happy. Sadly, when I opened the book, every page was blank. It was a cruel joke, but it did make me laugh.
Please help.
A suggestion
Submitted by Ren on
Your post describes my husband exactly. He was diagnosed with ADD two months ago. The awareness of this has helped him to make sense of huge swaths of his life. For me, it has given me the first glimmer of hope in a marriage that was on the way to dissolving.
Are you taking medication? It is not a panacea, but it has definitely helped my husband. With that said, it will take effort on your part to sustain what you have going. We went through a great phase for about a month, and just this past weekend I told him that I felt like he was drifting again. He felt it too.
For your wife, it really is as simple as listening and talking. She has probably felt neglected and abandoned for a long time. I can only imagine that this was exacerbated by the fact that she doesn't work and is home all day.
I don't think ADD-nonAdd couples have "special" problems. I think they have typical marriage problems that are magnified 100 times because the ADD spouse lacks the self awareness to see them and the non-ADD spouse just gets angrier and angrier. I've read a lot of marriage books and one that might be helpful to you is called Secrets of Happily Married Men. It is written in a guy-to-guy style and gives some very good insight on how to understand the "request" made in a complaint, how to give good gifts, and other ways to fulfill your wife's need to feel heard, understood, and loved (I vetted it before giving it to my husband and I think it's pretty accurate). By the way, there is a companion book called Secrets to Happily Married Women, which has been useful to me in understanding my husband's need for praise (even for what I consider to be minor things, like taking out the trash), physical intimacy, and doing his own hobbies. I think the challenge for you, as the ADD spouse, is to put systems in place to be able to follow through on the suggestions made in the book (like if you have a good idea for a gift for your wife, your intention isn't enough, you actually have to give her the gift, which may mean you need to put sticky notes all over your office to remind you, or order it online on the spot, etc.).
Let me know what you think of the book!
Thank you
Submitted by nchild on
Thanks for your words. It is comforting to hear from others that share a similar situation. I ordered the book after I read your reply. I will certainly post when I finish reading it. From what I read about it, it seems very helpful; thanks again.
I have not taken any medication (yet). I am not sure what to expect from the meds and I have been researching the web to see what to expect. What did your husband say about the meds?
I have always thought that I was gifted and I'm afraid that the medication will take that "edge" away. I am certainly welcoming the idea of "mental quietness" and the ability to focus without hyperfocusing When I hyperfocus, I lose the concept of time. I hear the medication helps with this, but how so?
The only form of "medical correction" I have ever noticed a change was when I was taking Xenadrine in college. I felt incredibly focused, while most of my friends said they felt amped up, as if their heart was going to beat out of their chest. Obviously, I was not aware of my ADD at the time and I was taking the Xenadrine as a workout supplement. Unfortunatley, it was not approved by the FDA so it was pulled from the market. I never bothered to look for anything else, but I remember how it made me feel.
Anyhow, thanks again for the suggestions. I am looking forward to reading the book.
Comments on my experiences with ADD meds
Submitted by andy on
Hey nchild- I'm the spouse of the woman who responded to you. I take a prescription for my ADD, I've been taking it for about 40 days now. I take adderal which is a pretty common treatment. I don't think the dosage is all that pertinent, but if you want I can post about that too. I'd guess they'll give you and extended release pill, which give you about 6 hours on the drug, then a instant release which gives you about 2 - 3 more hours on drug. If you choose to try it, that is.
So here are my experiences-
- First off, the drug isn't like depression meds. When you take it, it starts working immediately. When it wears off, you go back to your add self. There's no need to try it for 2 months to see if it works for you. If it works, you'll know it pretty soon after you start taking it. This is good because if you don't like it, you stop taking it. Punto. But if it helps, then you can choose to keep taking it if you want.
- As to how it makes me feel, when I first started taking it, I got an awesome euphoric feeling from it. This lasted about a week. Now I take it and I don't feel like putting on Shiny Happy People Holding Hands and dancing around the house. Actually I never felt like doing that, but you get my point...
- For me, the adderal has not been a silver bullet. It hasn't turned me into Spock, where I get everything done with good logic and so on. But it has helped me enough that I choose to keep taking it. Its like my mind is a spotlight, whatever it is focused on is totally illuminated. But I have a real hard time moving that spotlight. The drug is like a little bit of grease that makes moving the spotlight just a bit easier. But that said, all the stuff I hate doing still sucks. And its still hard to do. But my ability buckle down and just do that crap is better on the drug.
- I would like to work my way off of it at some point, when I'm at a place where I can. Right now I've got some road to cover, in terms of fixing myself and my personal life. I look at the meds as kind of like a knee brace. A knee brace--in and of itself--won't fix your knee. But it will take some pressure off of it and your body will heal faster. Adderal isn't going to fix my life. But it is a 'knee brace'--it helps take some pressure off, just a bit, but that little bit has a big impact: more focus at work = to less anxiety brought home; ability to stop what I'm doing at work and pick up the phone when wife calls = happier wife; ability to wash dishes = priceless; etc etc.
- I'm no expert, but from what I read, Adderal is a pretty basic drug, amphetamine and dextroamphetamine mixed by Col Sanders in some secret lab somewhere. The amphetamine is an upper, the other thing is a downer. Mix them together and it works for quite a few of us adders. Go figure.
Good luck with your voyage. I hope my words help you better evaluate what you're going to do next.
what makes this non-ADD spouse happy
Submitted by arwen on
I'm a non-ADD spouse who has been dealing with my husband's ADHD (and SAD -- Seasonal Affective Disorder) for the past 20 years. I have no idea whether your wife is anything like me, but if my husband wanted to keep me happy and interested and excited, here's what I would suggest:
Good luck to you in your journey!!
To answer your question, "Is
Submitted by Sofire on
To answer your question, "Is it really as simple as just listening and talking? Spending time with her, helping her with the chores, going to the movies, talking about life, etc...? Yes, yes, oh my God, YES! I promise you she will not get board with those things... I was getting turned-on just reading it.
I am very proud of you for trying to understand the female mind to make your wife happy. Don't feel bad about your question...the reality is that when I (and many of my female friends) hear things pertaining to how men think, we can understand many of them logically, but not conceptually.
I was moved by your post because my soon to be ex-husband (undiagnosed ADDer) once asked me what I meant by I needed more intimacy. The irony is that no one on the planet can be more intimate like an ADDer in the courtship process. I find it fascinating that it is something you guys do so naturally /unconsciously in courtship.
But I believe that understanding what fills us emotionally from a conceptual perspective is not as important and doing it, even if it’s mechanically. You sound like a really good guy who’s about to make his wife the happiest woman in the world. I wish you the best!
Can Anyone Relate To This?
Submitted by hopeless in hawaii on
While on the subject of communicating, why is it that when theres a serious discussion going on, my ADHD husband has this stupid smirk on his face. It's like he's about to laugh, while I'm about to cry. People outside think he's such a humorous guy, but really doesn't know that he cannot turn off that humor when appropriate. Sometimes I just wanna smack that smirk right off his face, so he can maybe show some seriousness on there. It's like he's a child. If anyone with ADHD can relate to this, can you please tell me what you are thinking at those times of serious discussions or situations, where you feel you need to laugh about it. I just don't understand.
Communicating
Submitted by rlm on
I can completely relate to what you are saying. My (soon to be) former husband typically had a glazed over look and then in the middle of a serious conversation he would blurt out some bizarre question or statement. We could be having a serious discussion about our marital issues and he would out of the blue ask if I had picked up dog food or something just as absurd. I would feel crushed as if he had absolutely no interest in communicating with me or that this serious issue was on the same level as discussing the grass growing.
It has and is currently very difficult to speak with him. He recently told me the only person who has a problem with his ADHD was me and now that we are seperated it isn't an issue for him anymore. I just don't know how he could really believe that.
I really know the pain you feel during these conversations because I was there for many years.
Still Trying To Comprehend It
Submitted by hopeless in hawaii on
Thanks for both of you getting back to me so fast. It's not just the serious conversations regarding our relationship that he starts to laugh. Recently his father who already had 2 triple bypass surgeries, had to be rushed to the emergency due to his heart. He then explained the situation to me like he was talking about the weather. To top it off, he didn't even bother to state if we should go visit him. He just gave me a one liner about it, as I've just explained it here in my post, and never showed concern whatsoever.
So when do they ever show concern about anything, if their brain has already processed it, and has been replaced with a million things at the time of discussion? I've heard through some of these posts, that they have no empathy. Although I've just had some breakthroughs with finding a good doctor, and the right meds for him, this concerns me to think if I ever got seriously ill, that he would neglect me, and leave me to die.
Right now I'm in a situation where I've researched and spent so much of my time, trying to understand his ADHD, and get him the help that he needed, let alone going through years of emotional torture, which left me severely depressed and paralyzed to cope with my own daily life, that if I didn't yell at him to get me something to eat for dinner, because I have no energy to cook anymore, he wouldn't even think of asking if I'm hungry, and would let me starve. I'm seriously thinking about making him my (soon to be) former husband as well.
Fast moving
Submitted by Nettie on
My husband's mind works so fast that he has already processed what he's heard (not necessarily what I said) as well as dozens of other things (he says, "thousands") by the time I stop talking. I don't usually ask what he's thinking because he will then relate hundreds of tiny details through which I can't sit, but he does often laugh when I'm talking to him, and when I have asked, it was something funny happening in another, simultaneous, conversation in his head.
Concerning the dog food comment, I, on the other hand, have such a porous memory, that the time I think about getting dog food (or whatever), may be the ONLY time I remember, and I say it outloud, even if I unfortunately interrupt someone, in hopes it won't be the last time or someone else will hear and remember or, just because of bad impulse control.
I've experienced this also.
Submitted by newfdogswife on
I've experienced this also. It just makes me angrier and yes, I just want to smack the crap out of him. But, think about it, in some respects alot of them are still children in adult bodies. I think they do this to try to get us to forget about that serious discussion. I know in my case, my husband very seldom can communicate in an important discussion, he gets the grin on his face, this makes me think, why bother and the conversation ends as quickly as it began. I am getting tired of dealing with all of the serious and important discussions and situations by myself but I know that unless it is a matter of life or death, I will have to handle it on my own and just do the best I can.
I can relate the "The Smirk"
Submitted by YYZ on
"The Smirk" or $h!t Eating Grin as I call it is a coping mechanism.
I am a guy with ADHD. I did not know I had this until my marriage was about to blow up after almost 15 years and I was 43 years old. Anxiety attacks sent me to my doc, who sent me to a Psychologist and it did not take him long to make the diagnosis. I have run the table on emotions after the discovery. I have spent the last two years trying to understand why I reacted or not reacted to situations my entire life. It all makes sense now... My wife was angry, understandably, and slowly might be believing that I am improving. I'm sure she thought I was hyper-focusing on ADD, then I would go back to normal. Repeat performance... I take my meds, I work hard on our relationship and try to begin to make up for the inattention that I presented my wife.
Back to the question... I will say that we knew my verbal communication skills were never good. ADDer's do not work well when we are surprised by a conflict, for me, especially from my quick tempered wife. Before Meds, If I was tired during this event I would just go blank, not able to say anything, my mind racing with thoughts that I could not process and speak. My wife would take my silence as "I don't care", or she must be right because I would not say anything. I was ashamed... Caught by surprise and feeling Stupid. This became a vicious cycle of pain. She felt like she had to Over-React to get my attention, I felt assaulted and would shut down. When you think about it, when do couples argue? At night, of course... With ADD your mind races early in the day, and for me after about 3 o'clock it was a downward spiral from there. When your mind is drained and unprepared for conflict, for me I could hardly stay awake... So embarrassing... I'm wanting to say the right thing, and can't... I looks like I don't care, but I wouldn't be married to her if I did not truly love her. It is a communication cycle I've been through my entire life.
On the other hand if it were earlier in the day and someone chose to challenge me unexpectedly I would get "The Grin"... Not so much with my wife or loved ones, but at work or somewhere else, I loved watching the aggressor get madder and madder while I grinned and popped off little smart comments until they ran out of energy and went away. This was adrenaline fueled and like a game to me, and I was not to be beat by some rude idiot. Again... I did not do this to my wife, well rarely. I am as non-confrontational as they come. As an ADDer it was the only way I knew how to react to a surprise attack.
I hate what I have done to my wife and family and I will work the rest of my life to try and make up for those things. My wife and I are still re-learning how we interact in stressful situations. My wife will say something, expecting to be ignored or brushed off, and I can now pop right back, usually surprising her. My temper is way better and I think I notice things before they get out of hand now. After diagnosis and treatment I see emotions and expressions from people that I never saw before. It takes a lot of time to learn how to react to these things. It is like coming out of a fog.
I hope I gave a little insight into this terrible coping mechanism...
Laughing at me like I was
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Laughing at me like I was crazy or stupid was something I saw a lot of from my husband for many years. I felt it was a way to avoid the real issue and deflect the blame...but it still hurt all the same. Also, during a huge fight he would do things as if to say "I am fine. Look at me, you're not hurting me" like humming songs or beating his leg with his hand (drumming?) to the beat of music. I know it was meant to make me mad, or at the very least make me think he didn't care or that he wasn't going to let me see his pain. All it did was cause 10 x more pain because I DID think "he doesn't care".
I am so happy to read that you're 2 years into the diagnosis and still very focused on making the marriage work. I wish you all the best! Just be patient, commit to making the changes real and an inherent part of who you are and not just a means to win back what you fear you'll lose and I think you'll be fine.
Definately Not laughing :-)
Submitted by YYZ on
I was VERY reluctant to jump into this thread, because I was in many ways exactly what was being talked about. Yikes...
Thanks for your positive words.
The hardest thing for me during the last two years was getting a dose of my own medicine, so to speak. This journey into my treatment has mostly been completely alone. I have not beaten the ADD excuse drum. During the first month or so I probably talked about what I read and how it related to my feelings and actions a little too much. When I could see she was sick of hearing about it (A new skill I'm working on) I stopped talking about it all together. It was just sad that she did not really think I was much different, and to this day still does not think I'm much different, other than losing weight, (A Big Sore Subject) and my power walking regiment. I kept telling myself it was the anger on the surface covering years of sadness, partly due to me and many other issues since her childhood.
I think my efforts to be less impulsive, more attentive and more even keeled are paying off. Marriage is hard enough these days to keep healthy, then sprinkle unknown ADD in with my wife's anger and depression and there is a bunch of work to do. I think that my new awareness to the things around me that my Adderall helps me see will make me a better partner in the long run.
I wish my wife would check out this site, so she could see she was not alone in what she is and has gone through. I also wish she could see how hard I am trying to better myself, not really to do the classic "Look at ME honey" I work harder than ANYone else does. (LOL) A little acknowledgment of my efforts would be nice, though... I am filling up a real empty emotional tank, so I will let the proof be in my actions.
Thanks so much for your post.
Absolutely..the proof will be
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Absolutely..the proof will be evident in your actions...and for those of us who have been living these lives, actions are where the money is. When I got years of hearing everything I wanted/needed to hear, but got zero actions to back it up, I learned to trust nothing I heard. Compared to recently when I got a lot of flack and ugly words, but in the end his actions proved that he heard me and cared, it meant more than any words he could have said. Of course no harsh words and accusations followed by action that proves he cares would be ideal, but I really do acknowledge how hard this struggle is for him so I will take what I can get at this point.
Eventually, the loving actions..the efforts you're making to understand what she's thinking and adjust your actions accordingly, this will be changes that will last a life time. Tell her what you mean, and let your actions back that up. In time, she will see it is real. The pain doesn't add up overnight, and the healing doesn't happen overnight either.
Proof...
Submitted by YYZ on
I guess that sometimes when harsh word come out it is part of re-learning to communicate. My wife and I just talked about this action/reaction that is developing between us. She is NOT used to me reacting, and I am not used to picking up on something I should react to, so I try to fight the feeling of being jumped, because I never heard it before, and she is trying to use a smaller bat, because I used to never react to her issue without the Big Bat.
You are absolutely right about the pain/healing factor not being very fast. Patience is something that I am working on as well :-)
Are things getting easier for you? How long before you really believed your husband was improving? Is he taking meds and reading up on the ADD? I think it's great that you read here and give support to people like me who really need to here some NonADDer's who believe some of us can be better people than we used to be.
Thanks again...
After a rocky few months of
Submitted by SherriW13 on
After a rocky few months of trying dearly to hold onto the old ways, we finally got to a point where things were going much better. We hit rock bottom last Fall and there really was nowhere to go but up. We both agreed things could never be as they were before. i was a bitter, angry person with 10 foot tall walls and he was 'all talk and no action' basically...repeating the same hurtful behaviors over and over again. I got madder, he behaved worse, hurt me more, I got madder, he pulled away...you know the drill.
We had a wonderful few months...and then he decided he wanted to try medication as part of the treatment. We didn't get the ADHD diagnosis until June but had been trying to rebuild since last Dec. By June we were doing much better, so finally getting the funds to get in counseling, and getting the diagnosis..having something to work with and explain so many things..it was very helpful. Anyway, since he started meds, he has become more irritable, distant, argumentative, and short fused. He fought me tooth and nail, but finally stopped taking Concerta and agreed to try something else. He was off meds for 4 days before starting Vyvanse and he was back to his loving, patient, kind self again. Three weeks into the vyvanse treatment and I can feel that he's losing some of his 'sweetness' again. I am not sure why...it doesn't make him feel bad physically like the concerta did, which was his explaination for the way he acted when on Concerta. I think the meds change his ability to feel empathy. It is hard to explain. Before medication, it was like no matter what situation presented itself, he was able to have an open mind, even if he got mad initially, he would be over it and able to just let it go within minutes. His goal was the same as mine, to just stop holding grudges, be upset if it is what you're feeling, but don't let it be a fight when it really does NOT have to be a fight. It is as if he's lost his ability to be humble...to say "it's OK not to punish you for hurting me or disagreeing with me"..does that make sense? There is so much going on right now that it is hard to say it is definitely the meds, so I'm trying to be patient and read everything I can about what he might be feeling...and how it might explain his sudden change in personality and attitude towards things.
His dosage was increased yesterday..maybe it just wasn't enough for him. Anyway, before all of this I did trust that his changes were real...but I am slowly seeing just how 'broken' I still am from everything...and in spite of how badly I want to make myself be less insecure, less reactive to his mood changes, there is no mistaken that I cannot separate myself from it. I still have my boundaries, I still want my marriage to work more than anything, but I am also still determined never to go back to the way things were before. I am treating him with kindness and I am not angry at him for what is happening, I am just praying that it all works out soon.
Vyvanse
Submitted by blesseddelaine on
Vyvanse is the last drug mine used the dose started low and seemed to help for a short period. His dose was double the first , then tripled, each time he became more and more angry. When he quit I was relieved, because I was danger in is eyes. He has both types of ADHD which is ever so hard to live with, but the wrong medicine can be worse. He has said he does not want to try any other, because he has tried 3 types and none have worked. You know the rest of my nightmare.
Argh...not what I wanted to
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Argh...not what I wanted to hear, but I guess time will tell.
When you say he has both kinds of ADHD, what do you mean?
What other meds did he try? Do you know specifics of how they 'didn't work' for him?
My husband only takes meds to try and calm the chaos in his head and to be a better employee. His organizational skills are terrible, he forgets a lot of stuff, and his lack of follow thru has put him in the hot seat more than once. I know he needs this to improve to feel better about himself, and I love him dearly and want him to feel proud of the job he does and for him to just be able to DO IT....but I feel sad that our marriage, that was going so well, seems to be suffering in the process...but I won't give up as long as he doesn't.
Types of ADHD and Med's
Submitted by blesseddelaine on
There is more detail on line or from his doctor, but the types I referring to is Inattention and Hyperactivity. All is medicines have been Amphetamine Vyvanse and Ritalin, not sure what the other one was, but it was also a stimulant. All seemed to help the Inattention , but made the Hyperactivity worse ie; temper,patients etc. If I'm able to stay until he goes to the consoler, and if he will go back to the doctor I want to know more about the other drugs....the non stimulants and the Magnesium Penoline. I do know that Vyvanse is a very new drug still in what is cornered a testing stage or any medicine 5yrs. or newer . It is also mainly used with children. I can't start to understand the hoops an ADHD person has to jump though to get the correct medicine , but neither do they understand our hurlers nor the trails with new medicine. WOW ! I need a break.
Re:Meds
Submitted by waynebloss on
I have been on Vyvanse for 4 months now and it has worked wonders!! Now it does not make me a better person, but gives me the stillness I need to start new habits like writing everything down, setting reminders, and anything else that assists me in making my changes.
As a nurse I know that every person reacts to each medication differently. My wife can take 1-2 benydrl and she is up at 2am cleaning because she is wired but I can take the same amount and I am sleeping 12 hours! There is several factors as to how meds are digested and how the body uses them. Do not give up, it might now work for one but it does work for me!
Wayne
RE-Meds
Submitted by blesseddelaine on
I agree some meds work for some and not for others or maybe not as well. I'm happy that Vyvanse is working for you. It worked for my husband for 8 months, but only 2 months in our relationship. I'm just curious , is it working for your wife?
Re;Wife
Submitted by waynebloss on
Right now nothing is working for her! We have just started our separation so I cannot tell anything right now, I do hope that the changes I am making are what our marriage needed, but honestly as long as I change for the better then that is all I need to worry about. I am glad they are working for me, allowing me to be Wayne again which is what I NEEDED! If my changes are what my wife needs/wants then I would say yes, if not then they worked for me and my wife wanted something else, and I can move on with the better/improved Wayne. Maybe she will see after a while that I am me, but I need to move forward with or without her, for myself and my kids.
Wayne
Rocky...
Submitted by YYZ on
First of all, I am sorry what you are going through... I have certainly heard that people respond differently or not at all to the medications and it can take a bit of trial and error to get it right. The way you describe your husband seems to be the Exact opposite of my experience, but I know that ADD takes hold of people in very different ways and those of us with it learn to deal with ADD using different coping skills.
I was always a laid back easy going guy which my wife needed, because of growing with a physically and verbally abusive step-dad. I had a Very verbally abusive step-dad who taught me it was better to stay under the radar and be quiet. This was a great tactic for holding in anger and learning to suppress your feelings. I awoke from the fogginess of ADD with a vengeance. I was not preoccupied with food and discovered walking. I am not exhausted and grumpy in the evenings. I can read emotions better. I can get a plan together and execute it in real time. I am not as laid back as I was before, because I see the impossible list of things needing my attention and know I can never get "Caught Up", because that does not exist in the real world at my income level. I can get agitated when someone tries to complicate one of my planned days, and get frustrated, not not mean or non-empathetic... If anything I try to help those who I never noticed before needing help from me. I never saw them reaching out to me. I am having do deal with my fully aware brain and that is taking time to learn how to balance everything and not lament the things I just can't get to. I hope your husband can have the patience to try to find something that works for him, because I know I NEVER want to go back to the old ignorance is bliss, inattentive me.
My wife and I had become so disconnected over years of work, kids and no time for ourselves. Her anger and depression made her exhausted all the time and my ADD, sleep apnea (280+ pounds) left me exhausted and down. Too many years of turn-downs at night caused me to stop trying. Why was the time with a back massage and neck rub just to put her to sleep. That was a real helpful decision. I would never bring this up, because she was aware of the non-activity, and felt guilty enough for it. We worked together for a long time and when I changed jobs there were new people and friends and this lead to, something I had never heard of, a somewhat emotional affair. Nothing ever happened and I only started talking to her because I wanted a non-biased female opinion. My male friends are clueless, and I could not talk to a female in the family because they would be on my side and resent my wife, right? Well emails were gone through and my wife found one or two. "Rock Bottom" was hit. Ironically the week my doctor suggested I might have ADD, and I started researching and being so excited by an explanation of what I thought was just my twisted weird brain. I tried to explain, but to her, talking to a female outside of marriage is really worse than a physical affair. For the record, I have never cheated on my wife physically. My gender does me no favors, so I understand the suspicions. We went to counseling, her doctor, for family therapy and I agreed to cut all ties with this woman who had left my company a few months earlier. We set a reasonable date, which I beat by 3 months. I was pretty well medicated correctly and feeling much better and we had 4 or 5 really good months, then our love hate madness passion began to dwindle and a new topic took it's place, my weight. You mention 10 foot walls... That's what I face. She has written the script that I have lost so much weight over two years (40 pounds before Adderall which is forgotten) that I couldn't be attracted to her anymore and I can't relate either because food no longer controls my life. She admits being mad that I have a condition who's side affect is feeling better and weight loss because of Speed as she puts it. My wife is slowly being less angry about this, but the shields are still on max.
My wife is a beautiful woman and I do tell her on a pretty regular basis, but she brushes off the comment and reminds me that I couldn't be attracted to her because I am down 95 pounds. I am continuing to be patient, and she is seeing a diet doctor and taking diet pills, which I have always supported whatever weight control measure she has ever proposed. We have been searching for the answer for our whole married lives. We both looked good when we were young, and we both always felt trapped in fat bodies created by full-time jobs and kids... I hope her success reduces her resentment for my success, because a physical connection is not everything in a marriage, but it is a real important part of the overall health of the marriage, in my opinion. I so desparately want to reach an equilibrium in our marriage, because if this does not work, I will not forgive myself. I was her flawed, but emotional rock that she never had to worry about, and when I cracked it was hard for her to deal with. My wife feels responsible for everybody getting along and needs me to be that stable rock. I let her down, then all she could think of was all the other things that could be wrong with us too. Recovery is almost more painful than the fake state of equilibrium we had before all this, but I know only hard faught effort will fix this too.
Sorry for the rambling and I hope you and your husband find the balance you are looking for.
Very interesting... you
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Very interesting... you mentioned something that I suspect might be a part of the 'process' he's going through. I think now that the fog has lifted, he sees all of the stuff that he's neglected for so many years and feels even more guilty for it. For the first time in our entire marriage, he speaks regularly of things he wants to change (house repairs, replacing 10 year old carpet, etc) and seems determined to change them. Many ADDers speak of being unable to 'see' the physical chaos (MESS) in the home and my husband never seemed to care that he'd leave a room in complete disarray even though it literally pushed me to the edge of sanity, he never seemed to really care or it never seemed to bother him. Anyway, point being that now that he's on meds it seems that a lot of 'neglect' has come to light and I think he might be going through some sort of process with all of that. I'm trying very hard to put myself in his shoes and understand what it is like to have the fog lifted.
Again, the best thing you can do for your wife is to show her, through your actions, that regardless of your weight or her weight, your feelings and your heart are still the same. I would caution against doing anything to make her feel like you expect or want the same from her (weight loss, exercise routine) regardless of how we all know it is more beneficial all the way around. My husband is thin, does not have any weight to spare, so it is a struggle to keep weight on him while he is taking the meds as his appetite virtually disappeared early on. I have always struggled with my weight and could stand to lose 40lbs or so myself...but he has loved me when I was 100 lbs heavier and 50 lbs lighter...so when you mention your wife's struggle with your weight loss, I can't relate, exactly, but I bet I would feel the same way as her having battled my weight all of my adult life.
As with everything, I truly feel that if you listen to what she needs from you and are willing to give her what she needs...eventually she'll open up and trust you again. It is a LOT for her to swallow. Hang in there!
Fog
Submitted by YYZ on
Absolutely... I never worried about anything until it blew up and I was forced to deal with it. If things were not really wrong I did not see it, as far as projects go... I have and still hate clutter, so I'm not one one those guys who does not pull their weight in household chores :-) Definitely, after the clarity brought on by the meds and excitement of feeling better wears off, I felt overwhelmed by the enormous load I felt I had to support, and try to fix my marriage. I can feel quite a bit of anxiety at times, but I am still learning how to process all of the things never noticed before. So I can get a little edgy at times, but I have my meds pretty fine tuned so I don't get into a Rage of things :-)
I have never commented to my wife that she needs to do anything about her weight, I love her and she is beautiful to me and and only want her to be happy with herself. She is her own worst critic...
Thanks again for the post!
Emotional connections
Submitted by Rosem1111 on
Regarding your comment that "I just discovered that women need emotional connections, while men need physical connections," I can't believe that that is always true. But I'm hearing that you want sex and your wife doesn't unless you both are close emotionally. How your wife reacts makes perfect sense to me, a non ADD with an ADD husband.
My advice on this matter is to find out how to be her friend. Yes, the simple things you mentioned really are important. Unfortunately there is more involved and my husband has never understood what in 28 years of marriage. He does try to do those simple things and then he feels he has earned sex and gives me a bad time if I don't give him his perceived "due". Me, I feel he is trying to buy sex because what he does doesn't seem to connect up with me enough; it seems manipulative and insincere. He feels nothing he can do works so he should give up. The problem is that he needs to do more. Unfortunately I don't know how to explain to him or you what needs to be done to be authentically involved and caring. In fact I can't comprehend how you and he don't seem to know. I don't really know how I know what is involved, but I can do it.
nchild
Submitted by ebb and flow on
Wow.
I am so at the other end of this (non-ADD partner).
My partner was diagnosed about a year and a half ago and put on meds around that time as well. My saddest feelings in our relationship are connected to his lack of balance between me and his busy life. This has led to so much sadness which has turned into bitter resentment and anger (sadly). :( But the true underlying emotion is sadness and hurt....
"I gave into my inner desire to stay "busy" 24-7. I believe the word is "insatiable"."
I had no idea that there was a feeling of insatiability when it comes to being "busy"-- for some ADDers. My ADD partner is constantly "busy" with projects, emails, posting on his discussion board, reading, educating himself... etc, etc. A whole lot of stuff that doesn't involve me anymore. In the beginning it wasn't completely so... We did things together. My fear is that spending quality time has become boring for him and he just doesn't find it stimulating enough... It's a fear of mine because I so desperately need his love and affection and attention and TIME--- I can understand your wife's desire for the whole 'emotional affair' thing unfortunately... :((
"Is it really as simple as just listening and talking? Spending time with her, helping her with the chores, going to the movies, talking about life, etc...? "
Answer to that question: If you were married to me I'd be all over that!!!!!! Holy man how I desperately desire some 'partnership'... wow! That would mean the world to me! If only my partner would come out of his shell and share some of his time with me. It makes me feel soo heartbroken that he doesn't. :((
"I want to give her the world, but I don't know how. (<-- Just thinking this brings tears to my eyes...and I don't know why) "
My ADD partner has expressed, as you have, that he just doesn't know what to do to make me happy and that he's even frustrated trying anymore! I've told him I just want his attention and for him to help me around the house but somehow he feels he already is and I'm just "not seeing it".... ugh. :(
"I want to keep her interested and excited but I feel it will be hard - because it is hard for me to stay interested and excited so I feel that everybody is like that."
Again, if my partner were the one writing this (which, I wish it was him...) I would tell him that he doesn't need to work that hard on it. If you were to ask her what she thought the ideal amount of quality time to spend per week was---and then tried to meet that requirement, eventually I think it would just become like second nature. Also, I don't think you have to go above and beyond. Just trying to spend one on one moments together sometimes is satisfying enough. Watching a tv show together, cooking and having meals together, taking walks together, doing a chore together!, talking and showing genuine interest in what she's saying (no gadgets/books/newspapers between you), going to the movies, going out for coffee together, snuggling for a few moments with no distractions, grocery shopping together, picnics.... like, little mini dates. :) I think these little things might do the trick! I know they would work for me. These little intimate acts show love and emotional connection for those of us who's "love language" is "quality time". (Book by Gary Chapman)
I'm going to send this to my partner in hopes that he will see that other ADD men struggle with this too. Maybe then we can openly figure out a solution to our situation as well... :/
Thank you for this... Very eye opening...
Re: Struggle
Submitted by waynebloss on
Yep, we all struggle with this! I was one that thought I was doing what she wanted but it was what I wanted and did not see it until it was too late! It took us being separated, her being mean, cold and completely disconnected from me to start to see it. Was it the wrong way, maybe but at least now I am being me and not worrying about her and what she thinks. I am more open to her language both verbal and non-verbal and I can tell a small change in her and the way she has started to talk to me more.
I was always asking her what she wants, how am I doing and would not stop because I put all of my focus in her and being with her that I forgot what it is like to be me! I did have friends that cared, I had a social network that I never knew existed and it is great but at the same time the moment I let go of her and concentrated on me is when she told me that she could see the change in me.
During our "healthy separation" talk, we both agreed that we need to continue building our outside relationships but we need to start small with "us" so we are having a "date" night every other week. It can be anywhere but it will be just us rediscovering each other. The holidays are a pain to start this so we are starting in 2 weeks. I am looking forward to see how this goes, but I will tell you the changes that I have made I know that I love my wife but I also know that I can NOW live without her if it comes to that. I do not want that road, I want to remain married to her but before i was scared to death of losing her, now I know that I will be fine.
Wayne