I am new to this website and can relate to many of the issues described here, but need help. My fiance (or ex fiance, we broke up two days ago) is ADD and is on Ritalin. He sees a psychiatrist on a regular basis.
Our relationship goes back 23 years, life got in the way at that time and 18 months ago we got back together. I am a divorced mother of three, survived an extremely abusive marriage to a psychopath, who nearly nearly destroyed me physically and mentally. He, on the other hand had had 2 marriages and two engagements (including my engagement to him). In all his previous relationships, the problems were created by the woman according to him. He also blames me for our break up 23 years ago. His girl friend was pregnant at the time and he decided to do the "right thing". Nothing could be further from the truth with regards us splitting and I find it strange that he would say something like this. I think we would have married at the time, if his ex had not been pregnant.
His first wife he left because "he never loved her" and left two little kids in the process. She apparently used to take her moods out on everybody, as he says I do as well. His second wife apparently totally withdrew from him, after a hysterectomy. He has accused her of having an affair whilst married to him and also bankrupting him, as she opened various credit accounts, which he ended up paying for. His last fiasco, He decided after two weeks of living with her that she wasnt the woman for him, accused her of having affairs and also said that she would create an argument so that she could go out to clubs without him. (14 weeks in a row). All the women are to blame, he did absolutely nothing wrong! He even went to see a psychologist at the breakdown of his second marriage to find out "if he was wrong". A psychologist recently told him after another of his explosive episodes that "your partner cant always be the one at fault". I think this speaks a thousand words.
He takes no responsibility whatsoever for the breakdown of these relationships and I have noticed that whatever goes wrong in ours I am blamed for, or my family is, or my kids are or...(get this)...my hormones are. He twists my words and he also TELLS me how I feel, what my mood is and how I should react, all this from 300 kms away and this is deduction is made from sms's. He also twists situations to his own way of thinking. For example, he decided to spend Xmas with his mother and other family members, I am now told that I create a fight so I dont have to be with him on family holidays, this being Easter we aren't together. He was meant to pick the kids and I up, but started denigrating my father, who he is threatened by and I put the phone down on him. Wrong, I know! There have been no apologies, just ugly, twisted, abusive sms's from him and he cant seem to understand my reaction to these.
We are living 300 kms apart, as he slowly moved out of the house over a three month period, never paid the rent and expected me to finance everything. Since he had established himself 300 kms away but would appear on a weekly basis for 3/4 days, he took no responsibility when we were asked to leave the house and I had to move to the family farm, as there is no available accommodation in the town where I live. My family have taken a hard line where this man is concerned and have banned him from the farm. He cannot seem to understand why they have taken this stance. I on the other hand can, as they see the neglect and lack of care with respect to me and my kids being homeless all because of his actions. He is relentless in his verbal attacks on my family especially my father, who he says controls me. I love and respect my dad, as I am entitled to and will not hear of somebody who has always been there for me being devalued in my eyes. He attacks on my father just sets the mood for me to react by putting the phone down. I have warned him that I will hear not one negative word about my father, but he persists in doing it anyway, then blames me for the argument which lasts for days, sometimes weeks. He cannot seem to fathom my extreme disappointment in him either, as I felt he abandoned us. He has made no effort to offer any solution to the distance issue, he has just blamed everybody else for his actions and behaviour.
He seems to think that I have to revere his every word. He has gone so far as to say "who is the king of your castle?" Strange but true.
He has now started his attacks on my kids. He lectures me regarding the kids, says that he wouldn't stay in the same house as them if they dont show respect to him and me - they are typical teenagers, but good kids. I find that he talks down to me like I am a child. Says I make no time for him that I do everything for everybody else and not for him. I am expected to be available 24/7 (even from 300 kms away). If I dont reply to his text messages within ten seconds he jumps all over me and if I dont answer the phone all hell breaks lose. He once verbally abused me in front of my 8 year old.
I am a loner. I withdraw from situations and confrontations, so I close off when he explodes, usually via cyber. He accuses me of ignoring him. He accuses me of having affairs. He tells me I am hiding things from him. Scrutinises my Facebook. Calls me a liar, a user, I am evil and cruel, controlling and manipulating. A cardinal sin is when I dont tell him I love him after one of his histrionic episodes....omw...then I am in for it. He also breaks off our relationship with amazing regularity, publicly humiliating me on Facebook, so all his family and friends can see what is going on in our relationship.
We are meant to be emigrating to England and the family dynamics play an important role in this decision, as does education and futures for my kids. He now had decided that he is staying (all of a sudden) since his daughter needs him (she sees him once a week, sometimes less) and until she finishes school. This I do not hold against him, but this revelation, after speaking about emigrating for months, became known a couple of days ago.
His behaviour is unacceptable. I find having to defend myself constantly exhausting. I feel abused, tortured, traumatised, confused and angry. At the moment, he is not talking to me, says we are over and is ignoring any messages etc, but after what I have said here, do I really want him back?
All this being said, he does have some amazing qualities and I this that what has kept me thinking things would get better, but they just haven't. I know that he loves me and this I have no doubt about. I love him equally, although he tells me I dont love him nor do I care about him.
I cannot continue like this and I dont know what to do. I am bewildered, numb and cant even cry...here are times where I feel my whole world is collapsing. I am starting to believe that I am an unworthy person and that I am the one totally at fault. To me this is not a blame shifting excercise, I am fully responsible for what I have said to him, after he has started his usual abuse. I have lashed back at him, due to incomprehensible hurt and just wishing he would stop. I have used this tactic in the past to enable this. Wrong I know, as two wrongs dont make a right.
I need help here, as I do not know whether these episodes are ADD related or whether they are just bad behaviour on his part. He won't listen when I point out to him that he is in many cases wrong, he just carries on like a bull in a china shop. I want to help us, not lose us and if it is indeed me that is at fault, then I will try to fix it, but the way things are going, I am going to call it quits.