ADD parent and ADD child relationships

How are the relationships between ADD parents and their ADD children ?    My son has become increasingly disrespectful toward his ADD father.  Sometimes I think he is a min-version of his irritable Dad.  I worry he is going to be just like his father when he grows up, but he used to be such a happy child.  He is still respectful toward me...sure we have our moments as any parent/teen would but I wonder how much of his behavior toward his dad is hereditary and how much is learned...   His Dad rarely does things with our children, just today my children and I were about to play a board game and my youngest said 'dad want to play with us, all hopeful',  dad replied 'no thanks i'm all set'....  hello how many opportunities are going to be left that your kids wants to play with you...  last year he did not go to one single sporting event of my sons..while i sat in the stands at every game and every other mother and father were there cheering for their sons.  he yells at the kids quite frequently, that is when he even bothers to talk to them at all..  this has been the worst christmas week I have ever had, we were both home all week, one big miserable family... I just recalled that last New Years eve  was the first year I ever let my kids stay up to midnight with me, usually i was just too damn exhausted and wanted them in bed...anyway this was a big deal to them. So my kids and I watched the ball drop, and where was their the other room, not participating/celebrating the new year... 

I have stayed married because I thought it was best for the kids to have a home with both parents, now I am wondering if its actually doing more harm than good.

My relationship with my ADD mother wasn't great but it wasn't horrible either... however she DID things with me like most mothers doand I didn't know she had ADD...not that she has ever gotten diagnosed but there is no doubt in my mind that she is, and my brother was also recently diagnosed..  I guess in my family I AM the one who is different..  my mom, brother, my children, husband...i guess i am the minority.

My husband, who has ADHD,

My husband, who has ADHD, gets along pretty well with both our daughters, including our older one, who seems to have ADD.  They are different in many ways:  my daughter, despite having to battle anxiety sometimes, is generally a very upbeat, talkative, enthusiastic young woman, while my husband, who also deals with depression, tends to be pessimistic and cynical.  But they are alike in being very messy and disorganized and I think they find some camaraderie in that, especially because I and my other daughter are much more neat and organized.  Both my daughters express frustration to me sometimes about their father, particularly his negativity and his lack of follow through.  

My Relationship with My Kids

Hi funnyfarm,

I'm really sorry to hear that your husband doesn't understand the ramifications of his behavior.  It must break your heart.  Not spending time with kids has such an impact on THEIR behavior.  I will say that I do hear this complaint from plenty of women I know, and almost none of them have ADHD husbands.  My husband is not this way but knows he is in the minority.  Kids (even older ones) really do act out when they don't get the attention they need (AND deserve).  I'm glad that they at least have YOU because I KNOW you OPENLY care about them so much.

My kids and I definitely spend time together doing things.  Today (knock on wood) may be the first day we are ALL well on vacation.  I am hoping to taking them sledding for the first time this year.  We play board games, I do LEGOS with my son, play dolls with my daughter, we make blanket forts in the house, draw, color, and do crafts or build things together, etc...  It is infinitely easier for me to do these things with my medication in effect.  I cannot underscore this enough.  Otherwise, I want to walk around and meander away from what they are doing, or hyperfocus on what I am doing, though even this is improved with my new diet.

Neither my husband, whose parents do not have ADHD, nor I recall spending the kind of quality time with our kids that we do with ours.  I don't know why that is, though I can recall my unmedicated mom sending us out to play so she could eat her lunch "in peace."  I do think she experienced that ADHD overwhelm frequently, and I know that while I was never a troublemaker at school, I was a pain in the butt at home, especially to her (2 unmedicated people--->fireworks, as you can well imagine).

Finally, I have had to work on my relationship with my ADHD son more so than with my daughter, because we are SO alike, in ways both good and bad.  Spending time with him and making sure I am focused has been the number one way I have done this.  Speaking of this, I need to go take my meds before my kids wake up!  It is so rare to be up before them and to have a quiet house :)!


Thank You ADHDmom  your first

Thank You ADHDmom  your first paragraph has my eyes watering... I DO love my children and I think they know it, i am not sure they know their Dad loves them as its not expressed, at least not as openly, and yes it breaks my heart when my son wants to spend time with his dad yet is brushed off. I do think this is effecting how they act toward him.