ADD stay-at-home Dad, and non-ADHD, professionally successful spouse

I am a 42 year old man with ADHD who is married to his polar opposite- a brilliant, multi-tasking goddess, who can use a defibrillator on a patient in cardiac arrest with one hand, do an emergency traych with the other hand, and bark out orders to the rest of the ER as they receive trauma patients from a seven car pile up in the middle of winter, all while calling me at home to remind me to send in the mortgage payment, and to remind our four children that she loves them, and not to forget to do their homework.

The problem? I have suffered from ADHD symptoms my whole life, which have only grown more challenging since I quit work to stay at home, when she pointed out to me that she made way more than I did, and our children would benefit more from having a full-time parent. I struggle to keep everything/anything "ER perfect", while raising our three year old daughter, and my sisters 4 year old(she used the military to pay for medical school, and was then shipped to the front lines in Iraq after she graduated-at 51!), and our 9 and 13 year old daughters(the oldest of which has me constantly running her to cheer practice, voice lessons etc...). The demands seem to pile up, pulling my attention in every direction at once-making it that much tougher to keep up on all the laundry, as well as other housework-this in turn upsets my wife, who can't understand what is so hard about running a household. I am let filled with shame and self-loathing, because if I were a "real man", I would be able to support a family in the traditional way, or, failing that, could at least get everything done, when it needs to be done while remembering to dot all my i's and cross all my t's.

I have recently switched from dexadrine er, to adderall, xanax, and paxil(3 for the "price" of one), and it IS helping, but after some of the things I have read, I can only wonder for how long?

More than anything, I want to be a good husband and father. I am sick of feeling so unworthy of my wife and family, and my frustration often leads to depression, irritability, and insecurity.

Is there a way I can juggle the meds in a more beneficial way, so as to avoid the undesirable side affects, yet still retain their efficacy? Or even a blood test that would tell me whether or not I am deficient in something, and how to correct what ever the heck seems to be wrong with me?