Hi All, hope we all have ADHD free days in 2010 at least at least symptom wise.................
I am in my late thirties and after a life where I felt I was a cat held by it's tail and slammed around walls and objects for 30+ years. After being bloodied I reached a point where things became impossible literally, I was paralyzed most of the time ADD has reached it's peak with me and that is when I self-diagnosed after countless hours of confusion, fear and finally internet search where i put simply the highlights of my life hoping in utter desperation to find somebody else in the world who is riding this odd but powerful coaster called life with untreated ADD (did not know then). I lost job after job and things became as ugly as they can get and I became a bit suicidal, not that I would do it but it seemed very cool and logical. When you feel helpless and I mean extreme helplessnes the world will different.
Having said that, I finally got my medication and slowly but surely things got better gradually. But I woke up in a huge pile of disasters, career, money (in debt), marriage, things that need massive energy and time to restore if possible. Now things with my wife were getting bad to worse partly because of my symptoms, laziness around the house, no job etc.....which is sadly the case many times.
I see myself as a big hero, knowing where I was and where I put myself after a lot of hard work and tough days and self diagnosis. Now I am happy like never before, i have life before diagnosis and after, things in between like marriage, school etc,....don't count much at least not relatively as I was consumed by this disease. My wife witnesses all this and even if she has the right to be pissed off after 4 year marriage I thought it would be ok for her to show some compassion, and a tiny bit of understanding of my very painful and fragile mental situation while she knew about ADD by then and the symptoms.
For the past 6 months when I was going through the difficult process of learning about this weird mess and taking meds that had ugly side effects until Adderal saved the day, she showed zero emotion, understading, I needed to talk about my case with somebody who knew me well to compare notes regardign meds and their effect etc.... Sometimes going through this is tough and a person might need support, by this I mean minimal like my wife giving 20 mins a week not more to talk my heart out explain what the real deal is and try to get better. I think as a human who fought to get better, not like other husbands i hear cant be bothered ..... living in a city where my social contacts are limited and going through sometimes weak moments I thought my frustrated wife (and she is right in being that way) could show a tiny bit of compassion and understanding and really believing that my failures were due to my severe ADD that made an employee with "one eye and one ear" and that now things will be better.
So for month she just left me there and everytime I felt like sharing my feelings about this she shut me off saying go and talk to your friends and family I do not want to have anything to do with it even when I almost begged. she shut me off completely and all is needed was 20 mins a week and that hurt very much. I wasnt a guy who saw his son with it and said OMG! i paid a huge price.
Now is this normal? I dont think so even though i realize i was a pain. i mean what is a wife for if she cannot give minimal support to a partner who is really suffering and scared about what is going on with his brain and who is reliving so many painful events with a new eye. I think marriage is a load of BS if a partner after seeing that the man is trying to get better, he is fighting to get his drs appointment asap so he can take meds and stop this freefall and his wife for months just treats him like an old rag while he is begging for a hug and a word of encouragement nothing more once a week of so for a few short minutes.
I think she does not deserve me and i need somebody more human.