For the ADD/ADHDer who WANTS TO TRY....what to do

Examples of ADD/ADHD behaviors that show that someone is ABLE TO LOVE AND PUT SOME EFFORT toward connection and partnership:

1. He has set up multiple systems for remembering things so that he is taking some responsibility for what he knows he doesn't automatically think of and do.  ie: Time spent working up a budget between income and monthly bills that he MAKES HIMSELF reminding himself daily/weekly.  Then pays the bills and discusses finances with you. He has a work list with priorities attached and DOES the #1 thing on that list.

2.  He has set up automatic withdrawals for savings and retirement. 

3.  He asks family members how they are doing every day and starts just as many sincere conversations as they do.

4.  He lets his spouse/loved one know where he is every day and invites them to keep in touch because he wants to connect and have them in his thoughts and life.

5.  He says good morning and good night and hello and goodbye each and every time he wakes/sleeps/leaves/arrives.

6.  AND MOST IMPORTANT -  He subtly does things that prove that he thinks of his family.  ie: He will hurry when he knows someone is waiting for him so that the wait is as small as it needs to be. HIS SPOUSE HAS THE INNATE FEELING INSIDE THAT HE CAN BE TRUSTED AND DEPENDED ON AND THAT IF THERE IS A SUBJECT NEEDING DISCUSSION, HE WILL BE HAPPY TO DISCUSS AND COME TO A CONSENSUS AS PARTNERS. 

This is a good list,

This is a good list, jennalemon.  Just in time for my meeting with my husband this week, to discuss whether we can reconcile.  I think I'll mention some of these positive behaviors to my husband.

To partner or not to partner?

If these partnering/family actions sound too daunting and scares you that if you do any of the things I listed above that you will lose your self and your freedom to be YOU,  then, ADD/ADHD is not the problem in the marriage.  You want to do what you want to do.  Partnership MEANS communication and consensus. FAMILY MEANS joining in to give and support the other members and the family unit as a whole entity. If you want to be proud of yourself and your family, you have to join in and do the work and make the connections.  If you are "doing your own thing" and just want or need a spouse to take care of everything for you without complaint, then you are hurting yourself and your spouse. You are a fraud in a partnership. Be true to yourself by claiming your freedom if that is truly what you want and need.   Leave your spouse and let him/her find a partner she can count on and partner with.  Don't make someone your servant chump....someone that you don't respect.  Give yourself the freedom you desire and prepare yourself to take care of your own things by yourself.

Wow!

The list is awesome! Finally a post from someone who gets "it". It being accountability, and self awareness. I strongly believe that is where it starts, asking yourself,  challangIng yourself and doing because YOU want and need to - not because your spouse has made you or you are in a crises mode. The intent carries a lot of weight to me, can you tell....

#5 makes me laugh

I grew up in a family, extended family, neighbourhood and among friends, where hi/bye, gm/gn were reserved for strangers and where formality was required.  It could be a cultural thing.  We came and went without saying hi/bye because we were so comfortable around each other.  Somebody might say "I'll be out later" and vanish any time after that but nobody would bat an eyelid at not knowing where someone was.  If they're not in the house or garden or shed or greenhouse etc they're probably out.  If they're in then they're not out. If they're out they'll probably turn up sometime. Nobody bothers.

My ADHD husband always said hi/bye until I asked him repeatedly (he does have ADHD after all) to NOT do it because it's so annoying to me!  So we have a 50/50 gritted-teeth truce.  It takes all sorts

That's a great list and I

That's a great list and I agree with the things you mentioned. Fortunately for us, my ADHD Husband does most of those things already. If he doesn't do them then it's because I'm not giving him a chance and fully controlling them and/or I don't really expect him to. I fully control our finances because I'm better at dealing with finances and they are very important to me we're both okay with me doing that.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

I had to laugh

sunlight,

I am on the opposite side of the fence.  My spouse just disappears - doesn't say bye, doesn't let me know where he is going, doesn't mention when he'll be returning.  

I have asked him many times to just let me know when he leaves.  I am imagining if we had a daily routine - specific time to get up, eat breakfast, eat lunch, eat dinner, go to bed - then I would imagined he'll just turn up at those time.  But I am left with - hmm, I wonder where he went, I wonder if he'll be back, I wonder if I need to make dinner.  I have no routine - other than we leave for church at 10:30 am on Sunday.  Seriously, that is it. 

Like this list

I, too, liked this list.

I would add to it "Is happy to set aside time to be with just you - either on dates, in bed, or somewhere else."  If your partner seems "too busy" or too distracted to be with you regularly that spells trouble.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Nice

jennalemon,

Is this what has evolved for you?  

At the present time, I wouldn't know how to even bring this up in a conversation.  I seem to offend my spouse as I have Too Many Rules, and Too High of Standards for anyone to ever meet.