From the ADDer Learning new things

So I have been learning new things every day.  Today I learned that I really have to change not just saying it actually do it.  My wife has been telling me the problems she has been facing with our marriage I have always took the blame and said I would change but two days later back to doing the same thing over and over to the point now that we have found out that I have ADHD and know that I was not doing those things on purpose.  Having ADHD is not a excess though it may be the reason why but you cannot live life using ADHD as a excuse to ignore you wife or treat your marriage as a normal everyday thing.  A marriage needs work everyday especially if you have ADHD.  You have lost the trust from your spouse,  You spouse maybe at the brink and had enough and now you feel that you have to do everything to fix it.  So you push for the instant fix, which is doing nothing but pushing your spouse more and more away.  The hardest thing you will ever have to do is take a good look at yourself and ask do you like who you are?  Yes the ADHD is affecting you life and meds will help slow your thought process down but now you must learn how to behave and how to reconnect with your spouse.  So what I have learned is that my wife needs space I have been dumping all my thoughts on her and you can imagine being ADHD thats is alot.  In a ADHD brain we complain about a problem and then it goes away we don't think about it again for awhile but for someone who is not ADHD they see it as a real problem.  So dumping all of your thoughts on your non-ADHD spouse is very overwhelming for them.  So you have to have self discipline,  I am lucky to be deployed right now because it gives us the chance to give each other the space that is needed to fix ourselves and become stronger as a whole.  My wife was so miserable living with me and ADHD symptoms. We did not understand what was going on but we both knew something was not right.  She became depressed and I did not know what to do so I just left it alone,  she became someone she did not like,  always nagging and just now a happy go lucky person which is who she really is.  She loves life and loves peace and harmony,  the ADHD symptoms was effecting her, so when I deployed she had the opportunity to go back home where her friends and family was and regain her life.  The point I am tying to make is if you have ADHD or think you might, you have to be the one to change before the spouse will,  they have to know you are serious and are going to make the effort to never go back to that life again.  Just saying what the problems are and saying you will change will do nothing, you have to really change without telling them,  trust me they will see it.  Give up fear of your spouse leaving you and leave that in the hands of god.  Work on yourself,  write down your goals and start with the things that you want to fix,  and always put you spouse needs above your own.  They have been living in a world of hurt, lonely, and confusion.  Now is time for you to let them have some peace, let them have happiness and peace for a little bit and you go though the hurt,  you get a respect of what they have been going though.  It is going to be hard as hell trust me I am going though it right now and the best thing that is helping me is seeing a therapist, taking meds and the biggest is my faith.  I have learned that getting closer to god is helping me deal with my inner fears.  I have stop worrying what my spouse is doing all the time and put it in the hands of the lord. Honesty you cannot control anything your spouse does and you have to give up that control and let them live.  Worry about yourself and make the changes in your life that you know need change.  Read books and educate yourself on as much as your can,  especially the book ADHD effect and the five love languages.  I hope this helps someone out there and gives some light on ADHD and marriage.

The little choices we must make,  Will chart the course of life we take,  We either choose the path of light,  Or wonder off in darkest night