I am the Non ADHD spouse and am currently so confused on this rollercoaster with my ADHD husband. We are both Christ followers and truly that is what is saving me from leaving this marriage at the moment. I am hoping someone will have some words for me that will give me comfort that what I am experiencing is normal for ADHD brains. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years with him recently diagnosed and taking meds. We just found out he has been severely under medicated and they have doubled his dose. I am happy about that and he has been struggling and feeling his brain out of control so wants to get the help. The roller coaster I am on is this. I suffer from PTSD/OCD/GAD. My husband has ADHD/GAD. Together we trigger eachother constantly. Before knowing about his ADHD and at the beginning of our marriage I would say horrible things to him when upset. He would take them until he didnt and then kick down a door, get in my face once and that was it. He and I have been rocky ever since and he has never forgiven me for those words. Since then mind you he has said HORRIBLE things to me. According to him he has said those things and acted that way due to me provoking him. He says he has been the one abused for the last 1.5 years verbally by me and that I have deep deep issues. Now I have been verbal yes and they are due to the dynamic and everything on this site and in the book from Melissa. I would say that the last 6 months I have been fully invested in and focused on understanding ADHD better, holding my tounge, walking with Christ and being the Wife God has called me. I have messed up a few times on this journey and when we fight and he has his outbursts, turns my words around, confuses me, speaks to me with such coldness and hardness, then I have messed up and said those mean things again. The problem is if he says things to me like "Your crazy, You know what happened today... You happened, I am right and the voice of reason not you",, etc. These are all things he says and later apologizes for and I am supposed to brush off. However he cannot forgive a thing I have said in the past or when I am provoked. The rule doesnt apply. Now I have been married prior to an ADHD/Narcassist. It was horrific. I see some similarities with my current husband having these gaslighting tendencies, new rules for him not me. My question is this. Last week he was all about healing himself, attentive, loving, kind. He leaned in and confessed his insecurities and was accountable when he flipped out . This week he poked a fight with me, talked over me, covered his ears as I talked and completely assumed I felt a way without checking in. Once he starts attacking me and I start defending myself and telling him what I really said he will say "No your wrong, I am right, you dont see what your doing, here you go again" then he plugs his ears and runs away. Since then he hasnt been accountable at all for gaslighting me. I have called him out on it We are on business only speaking terms until counseling for both of us. Luckily his meds are changed and he set up his own counseling for himself. he ignores me, walks away from me when talking, plugs his ears when I try and give my feelings, it angers me. I think I am dealing with a Narcassist although he has been told he is ADHD/GAD. Literally he says he is the victim and I have been abusing him for 2 years and takes no accountability for his actions. When I tell him how I feel he says ME TO!! I have nothing to myself anymore or being heard etc. I finally lost my cool this morning. I tried telling him the things he has said to me and he plugs his ears and says "Your the one, its you, i have endured this for 2 years. Look at you , look at how your acting". He coward under his blankets as I flipped out losing my ever loving mind. I have been trying for sooooooooooooo long. I want to do this Gods way. I have held my tongue, apologized a million times, delt with the neglect and finally I cracked. Now I have finally lost it, look like a crazy person and made him the victim. The entire time i flipped out he looked pleased and was quiet. Almost like he enjoyed it. I am leaving for a week just to escape him. We have counseling set up. His meds are being adjusted and increased. I have my appointment set up for meds. I have very little hope. I have been in a narcassistic marriage and suffer greatly from narcassistic abuse. How can he take accountability one week and then the next act like the victim and its all me? He says I am crazy making, but HE IS THE ONE. How do I stay in a relationship where I always have to be wrong and I cant have normal reasonable workable conversations? Thanks for letting me vent. I am at a loss.