ADHD, Addiction and getting the right counseling can save my marriage or time to quit?

I have been married to my husband for 13 years we have been together for 19. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a child and took Riatalin which helped him, but he stopped his meds at 14 and began drinking and doing drugs. Both of us come from severely abusive childhoods and the more I research on adult ADHD  the more I suspect I have a milder form of it than my husband but the same symptoms I have struggled with all my life. What an eye opener!

Most of the posts are about the spouse treating the ADHD spouse meanly, name calling, and nagging etc. I have not had that approach with my husband because of my own abusive childhood of hearing I was lazy, disorganized, scatter brained, clumsy, stupid, so the verbal  abusiveness is not there in our relationship. I do understand their anger and frustration. Its been a hard marriage since I am shouldered with all responsibilities which is difficult for me anyway. I raise our kids, I am mom and dad, run a full time business and I am expected to do all the house work too, but  I do what I can. Since I have trouble with doing those tasks and organizing anyway, the house is messy and not very clean, my home office is a disaster zone, I can let it go a little, I can only change myself and I am working on the clutter. I never have expected my husband to help he is pretty much not able to do it, and yes  there were times I made a list and had him pick what he wanted to do because I am really overwhelmed, but it never worked out. If I ever did mention it he would drag my self esteem in the mud about the house  so all these years we have had a quiet stand off.

My husband goes to work and that is it. After years of alcohol abuse I was ready to leave him especially he was very verbally abusive to me when he was using, he actually stopped the alcohol 7 years ago and started smoking pot, with a prescription, he was a serious dry alcoholic so he went to AA a year and a half ago (under I was leaving again) which has helped him and he stopped the medical pot.

 I just found out he has been lying about a pornography addiction ( been 10 years of lying about stopping he was caught two times before) it is just like the alcohol addiction but worse because it really affects our intimacy when he is using he has no interest sexually in me we have no life. I can never compare to a fantasy woman, so now we are in marriage counceling ( he went because I was going to leave again) but the ADHD and his addictions are not being addressed.

He is not able to access the internet at home anymore, so now instead of the 6-7 hours a night of internet porn he has replaced it with 6-7 hours of video game playing.  He does have full pornography access at his work and even though he says he has stopped he has the same behavior as when he was using that before.  The marriage councelor sees nothing wrong with the video game playing ( self medicating is OK?) , and I need to let him do this it helps him relax. I was so distraught I sought out a therapist who deals with sexual addictions and ADHD and she was great, gave me all the books to read, and a name of a male counceler who also deals with adult ADHD he has the number it will take threatening to leave him again to get him to go to the new councelor he loves the one we have now! I did learn allot about accountability which he is avoiding any kind of direct help for the porn addiction. Yes I need to stop worrying about his behavior.

I am tired, struggling with the ADHD is hard but with the addictions on top of that it is too much, he will not go see a doctor for the ADHD  and the counselor said ADHD drugs are not the answer he has bonding issues ( that is NOT helpful). I am supposed to just work on myself and not let his behavior affect me, easier said than done. I am trying to work through the grief of finding out about the lying and betrayal, it feels the same as an affair betrayal ( I know from my first marriage).

I will be going back to the second councelor again she was a life savor! Because I am asking is it time to pack it in it is? I can read as many books as I can find get personal counceling meanwhile life is going on my daughter, the  oldest is pregnant and life is wonderful except for my marriage is not. I guess I am looking for some kind of hope I feel hopeless life is too short. As my husband says he should be able to do what ever he wants. Yes but regardless of having ADHD there are consequences I understand the ADHD behaviors and it has been helpful to think of them that way. Doesn't make the addictions ok. Even if it is self medicating for the ADHD what kind of life does my 11 year old and I have? What do I do now, do I threaten again to get help with the ADHD I am tired of threatening it is like abusing him. I will leave he knows this that's why he goes to the councelor or AA because he knows I will leave.

Thanks, Colleen14