I'm working my way through the book, and am curious to hear what's working for other people. My partner has adhd, ocd and is on the autism spectrum - I am too young to be diagnosed with anything but am really trying to understand what boundaries I can have for myself, the relationship and how to cope
With the stress of the pandemic, and our relationship maturing - I lost my partners hyper-focus in january and his ability to focus on me for sex diminished to the point where he was encouraging me to sleep with his (male) friend. In October, the night before we moved into our first apartment, he slept with our (female) friend and neighbour despite me asking him not to - we are on the kink spectrum, but he lied to us both about it which is a huge violation of our negotiations around this sort of thing. They accidentally slept together once before at a party years ago, and I'm still mortified he'd do this to me again. I've since started working opposite shifts from him and they have a lot of time alone in the evenings, I trust that nothings continuing on however their friendship has elements I will request be changed when I move back to day shift. He continually rejects me for sex, unless we've been hanging out with her, and so I chose to work instead of be faced with that pattern and his rejection. We are working with a therapist, but have to space out appointments for affordability.
target symptoms: distraction and impulsive decision making.
If adhd is the explanation, and distraction is the symptom. How do we maintain a monogamous relationship, without cheating, if there is a high to be had with other people? He's had a chance to rebuild a friendship with her and has admitted to me that she has become his new high, and I am not willing to do a song and dance to compete with her and regain his attention after the affair that happened. He says it would never workout with her and he wants me, but more often than not I feel like he is refusing to manage his adhd symptoms and letting her become his new thing to hyper focus on.
If adhd is the explanation, and possibly fear of failure the symptom - how do we correct the girl next door when she says he like a great dad to her son? Who's job should that be? Cause he might as well be given the timeline of their sexual relationship from years back (he is fixed and cannot be), and those comments serve as a painful reminder to me, I don't always feel it needs to be my job to correct and establish boundaries where he does not however will if it's appropriate to do so. He hyper focuses on people and it's like all boundaries go out the window, one minute they're acquaintances and the next we're sharing old family secrets
If adhd is the explanation, and distraction the symptom - how can we make sure the house gets taken care of before drinking and socializing with the neighbours? I don’t want to feel like a parent or nag him but it bothers me when I arrive home after work (midnight) to him drunk or passed out and the house a mess - we've also been throwing food out because he eats with the neighbours so much
If adhd the explanation, and distraction the symptom, how can I not take it personally that he only seems to try to initiate sex after hanging out with the girl next door?
For myself - If hopelessness is the effect, and fear of failure as well - how can I open myself up again to forming a sexual relationship with him again? It's been so fleeting since the affair, he rejects me constantly, now he wants it again but I'm afraid of my response when he stops trying again after he gets what he wants.
I know some of this will have you thinking he's sleeping with her still, I trust her 120% that it's not that way. There's more to this than I care to type out, these are the questions that have come up as I read the book - presently at step 4. Letting go of the idea that I could control him has helped release the anger I felt at him ignoring my request not to sleep with her.
He and I have rarely seen eye to eye on what healthy boundaries look like with others outside our relationship, particularly when he hyper focuses on them. if it's not this girl, it's his family or his work that he lets into our relationships "house" to take centre stage and I lose all his focus and help with our daily life to whatever it is until they leave or cease to be.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I read your post and wanted to take a few minutes to think on it before replying.
There are a number of what I consider to be “red flags” in your post.
Unless you have agreed to an “open” relationship, your partner shouldn’t be intimate with anyone but you.
If you have an agreement to be mutually exclusive, I don’t think he should be associating with your neighbor at all. You are right, you shouldn’t be competing with anyone for his attention/time, etc.
“how do we correct the girl next door when she says he like a great dad to her son?” Only one way to do that, and it involves HIM talking with her. HE needs to set clear boundaries with her. It is unfortunate that a child has been brought into this. Her son won’t understand if your partner were to suddenly avoid him, if he is used to seeing him.
I would feel horrible if my partner only seemed to be “in the mood” after hanging out with another woman. It would be crushing to my self esteem. How can I open myself up again to forming a sexual relationship with him again? I think the answer to that is related to what you mentioned earlier. If you feel you have to compete with this other woman after what happened the answer is You Can’t, if you don’t trust him.
The house not being taken care of is frustrating for sure. Has your partner sought out CBT and/or a therapist to help him prioritize and stay on task?
It sounds like you are working on placing boundaries, and that is good. You need to set them and not budge. He needs to set his own boundaries with others, and that is outside of your realm of control.
The most important question you have to ask yourself is How long can I continue to live this way? There may be other things besides ADHD at work here.
It's very difficult to trust him again.
Submitted by Tokiwa on
Hi, first of all, I am not a native English speaker. My English might not easy to understand sometime.
My husband and I have been together for 25 years now and just recently found out he has probably ADHD. He is going to see a specialist soon. I love him very much but I have to say our relationship went through a lot of tough moments. He had a girlfriend and I didn't know at all. Once this happened, I was always scared if something similar happens again. Rebuilding trust is very very hard on me or you. If anything I felt not right, I went and check his phone or email. I could've never imagined doing this myself. Such a bad feeling. I have been reading the book like you and it has been amazing because all the symptoms explained almost everything he did. I am quite new to this ADHD effect on Marriage but I think ADHD people, they lie so easy. They lie without any deep thinking to avoid being criticized or having a trouble, they do it. I think that is " Now or Not Now" they only think about what is happening here now but not the future. They lie and that makes them lie again and keep going. I feel like they don't have guts to face their problem they are having. Till I realized he probably has ADHD, I could never comprehend his behavior. He says he loves me but for me he doesn't behave like that. He is so sweet sometime but the most of the time his attention is always outside not me or even not his kids. He has been seeking something interest him without knowing. I am not the position to advice you at all but it's a big big commitment to you to keep your relationship. You are not married and not have kids with him then you really should think this over and over. I don't regret I met my husband and went through rough time but it was tough for both of us.
Submitted by NeatProduce on
Just wanted to share an update.
he's been sleeping with the neighbour the whole time we have been doing couples therapy, she's been lying to our friend group about it & told the whole neighbourhood that we are swingers so they wouldn't look at her differently.
I've kicked him out, and am trying to process losing my friends, relationship and home because of this.