Both my husband and 10 year old son have been diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger's within the last few months. Both are on medication now and in counseling with a counselor who specializes in ADHD. Both of them are handling their symptoms better and trying to improve their relationships.
However, I am miserable. I have been married for 18 years and we have 2 children. My husband and I started counseling 6 months after we got married (hyper-focused courtship explains A LOT!). We have been in counseling on and off for the entire marriage. My husband always went willingly to counseling and expressed his desire to change, but then would not do the things he said he would do. I felt that I had done "everything" in our relationship and that he was not my partner, supporter, lover-he was just another kid!
Since their diagnosis, I have read a lot of books and done a lot of research about ADHD and Asperger's. I feel hopeless and do not want to put any effort into my relationship with my husband. I feel like "What good will it do?". I AM helping my son and have the desire and patience to work with him on his struggles. My son has shown a lot of improvement with the help of medicine, counseling, and social skills classes.
From my reading, I learned that ADHD is usually a co-morbid diagnosis with another issue. In the case of my husband, this dual diagnosis means that we are struggling with which features are the ADHD and which are the Asperger's. Is he acting that way because he can't understand my feelings or because he is distracted? Which issues are treatable and which are just something I have to learn to live with? If the ADHD improves, will the Asperger's stand in the way of a better relationship?
I feel overwhelmed and I do not know what to do. It's easier to do nothing and totally withdraw from my husband-I'm not sure he's worth the effort. I am tired of trying to make things better, I resent that I have to deal with his issues, I can't even remember why I love him!