Inattentive ADHD. Consequences for Their Actions That Harm Others.

Hello ADHD Marriage.  I really hope you allow this to post.  I'm in a great deal of emotional pain.  I need others to know what it's like being a non ADHD.  I'm not blaming.  I know I have work to do.  Yet, I am experiencing some hard times.

I have a friend and business partner who has ADHD.  I've known him for 23 years.  We are in business together and we cannot separate the business for financial reasons. 

Rare is it for psychologists to examine the complexity of how the non ADHD is left cleaning up after the ADHD partner's mistakes, literally and figuratively.  Put aside the oft ADHD's instigating behavior, the blaming, the denial of doing something that causes themselves or others damage.  The books I've read will tell the non ADHD persons not to enable those with ADHD, not to fix their mistakes, to be patient, calm, encouraging, yet the inattentive type ADHD that will not change is, well, not going to change. 

1.  My business partner and friend, aka BPF, eats my food from refrigerator, stove, counter, pantry.  I've asked him to stop many times. I've worked with him ad nauseam with notes, agreements, counseling, kudos; he is 68 years old.  He still does it and offers defensive excuses each time, projects and I go from victim to him crying victim. Nuff said. 

Here's my NEW proven tactic THAT WORKS with him and my food.  Last week he ate my food, a half of a pot of cooked white rice on stove intended for my sick dog. I calmly announced to him that if he did that again, as much as I DO NOT want to, that I would mirror his food behavior back him, so that he could feel what I feel.   I told him that I did NOT want to resort to this tactic, but that I thought I had better be honest with him to let him know what was on my mind and that I'm at the end of my rope with him eating my food.  I told him this is the best I can do, considering all other tactics have failed.  


Sure as the sun rises, he did it again a week later. So rather than get upset, I was finally able to mirror his behavior and it felt great!  I emptied a gallon of his milk down the drain. I told him about it.  He became angry at me.  (this was a safe calculated risk by the way.  I wouldn't try this with someone unstable).   He was upset, and I reminded him of my warning.  I simply told him that "when you mess with my food, then I will mess with yours."   Yes.  He was mad at me for awhile.  Though it was a powerful turning point.  I have begun mirroring him on incorrigible behavior and its working to his inconvenience, and to my resolution, to a point where is is now REMEMBERING to NOT eat my food, hence the consequence.

Folks, this is but a small condolence to me.  Compared to the other major oil spills I still clean up after him on a weekly basis.  Come on and give us non ADHD persons a little love.  It's not all- ways about the one with ADHD.  For me and my BPF, its like living with a bull in a china shop. He has his good sides, though, I'm really trying to cope too.  If I seem angry and bitter, its because I am! 23 years of fixing his mistakes.  This is akin a student driver in a car and the teacher having to grab the steering wheel of the car to prevent the student from driving in to a tree.  We non ADHD's cannot always stand back to let ADHD inattentive's wreck the car.  It's just NOT that easy.


2.  BPF dumped a bowl of un-popped corn kernels in the dishwasher.  I did not enable him, but asked him to clean them out of the dishwasher cavity.  He did.  He then squirted Dawn dishwasher soap in the dishwasher to scrub it. Then he ran it. Then the dishwasher suds all over the kitchen floor.  Then he cleaned that up.  But with inattentive ADHD, they NEVER really clean it up.  About everything he does in the physical world is inattentive, and so that means very little attention to detail.  Sticky soap suds were all over the floor, the cavity had to be flushed by me, because he argues it was "fine".  To some inattentive ADHD standards, a tornado ravaged town swept with a push broom is "fine".  Try to laugh here, please?

3.  Yet another time, he drained the transmission fluid from the company truck. Then he drove  the truck down hill and back up until the transmission seized because he did not fully replace the transmission fluid. 

4.  Yet another time, he backed into a car in the parking lot.  Video has him on camera getting out to look at the damage to the other car and his.  Then he gets back into his car and drives away and does not report it.  A month later the damaged party's insurance company and local police call him about a hit and run.  You see a witness took video and pictures of my BPF's truck and face driving away!!!   Ah ha!  This explains why he was using Bondo and spray paint on the truck tailgate and side quarter panel.  Both the transmission and the hit and run cost him $7,600.  To the day before he saw the video, he denied hitting a car.  Then we showed him the video.  He became enraged and blamed everyone for over reacting.

As bad as I sound advocating for calculated consequences to ADHD inattentive, for me its the only thing that works to get my BPF to sit up straight and gets me out of being victimized again and again.  

As for the accident, it goes on his record and he now has to pay the increase in our insurance.  He had to pay for the seized transmission.  He's not allowed to work on the truck any longer.  I had my reservations about letting him work on the truck.  But I followed the psychologists advice and I was told NOT to enable or rescue him and to let him learn and do things on his own.  Hmmm.  Me thinks the psychologists are not in the thick of it to understand the advice that is given. 

The professionals can give all the advice they want.  It's not until they actually live with the person that has inattentive ADHD for three to six months that they will TRULY GET THE BIG PICTURE.