I have been married to a man with ADHD for 15 years and I can't count the number of new projects he has started only to fail completely after a few months. The problem is that it is always the same project. My husband keeps trying to set up magazines where he is the editor. He gets his friends to write free articles and then after a few issues he has no money to publish anymore and its closes. At the same time, he has about three free websites he has created that he writes endless articles for-but with no income. Our son is now 17 years old and it is critical that I save money for university for him. I can no longer afford for my husband to pursue these endless self-publications and I have told him that it is absolutely finished now. I pay all the rent, the insurances, the school fees, have bought him a car, etc. In other words, my husband has a total free ride claiming that he needs to invest in his future by pursuing his writing (he is 65) and therefore can't work. I have just found out that despite my absolute insistence against it, he is launching yet another new magazine with a tiny investment that won't allow him to get paid but will cover the cost of the publishing of the first issue. He insists that this is a pilot and it is critical that he do it because he has already told everyone he is starting a new magazine. I am at the end of my rope. It is financially killing me, but on top of it I cannot stand going through another cycle of big idea, launch with a fraction of the required money, months of trying to get more investors, then failure and another closure. Throughout this entire time, he earns not a penny and I have to cover all the costs of running our home. I am 53 and will not be able to save for my own retirement because of his lack of financial support. Evidently there is nothing I can do to force him to work but is there some way I can get him to stop with all these endless new projects (which are always just a variation of the same idea)? I can't bear it anymore. I have begged him not to do this again but he absolutely won't listen. I want to cut him off financially but am not sure if I can legally do this. Where can I get help? I can't stand another year of living through this..
ADHD and financial problems in marriage
Submitted by LoriH on 09/02/2016.
LoriH... I am SO sorry for
Submitted by GiveMePatience on
LoriH... I am SO sorry for what you are going through here... I KNOW that it is not easy... :( I also know how LIFE-DRAINING it can be, going through the SAME THING, DIFFERENT DAY... OVER AND OVER AGAIN..... :(
Let me preface my reply to you here by stating that I truly am 'not qualified' to really answer this, as I, too, am married to an ADHD husband, but THANK GOD we have never had any 'serious' financial issues'. We own a business together, yet I am in charge of the 'accounting department'... ;)
If I may... one of the most 'impactful' things that I say to my husband, when we are going through a 'situation' similar to what you are describing is... "IF YOU WANT DIFFERENT RESULTS, TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT'.
As I stated, my husband and I are in business (same business, brick and mortar, for almost 30 years now)... and, although we do not deal 'directly' with 'print media', as you are describing with your husband, I can attest to the fact that 'print media' is pretty much ''going the way of the buggy whip'', sad to say... As difficult as this is to accept for some of us 'old dogs'... we NEED to 'accept' the 'way of the future' here, if we do not want to be 'left behind'... Again, this is not my 'field of expertise'... but we have had to MOVE TONS OF ASPECTS of our business into the DIGITAL age...
If you are wanting to 'cut your husband off', financially, but have some 'hesitation, as you have expressed, perhaps you can administer CONDITIONS. I KNOW that SO MANY OF US married to ADHDer's seem to play SUCH a 'passive' role... sort of LETTING THE ADHD RULE OVER US... but YOU can 'take the reigns', so to speak! ESPECIALLY since YOU are the BREADWINNER! If I may suggest... CARDIO EXERCISE is CRUCIAL for someone with ADHD... ESPECIALLY someone who is 'sedentary', as I am 'assuming' your husband is, being a writer and working from home. EXERCISE increases serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain which makes a PROFOUND DIFFERENCE in those who have ADHD. Of course, with his age, etc... he would need an 'all clear' from a doctor before be begins such a regimen. But, perhaps, requiring him to 'exercise' IN EXCHANGE for something that you provide for him, will HELP this situation. I know it sounds BIZARRE... but my husband truly is A DIFFERENT PERSON after a 'serious' 30-40 minute work-out!
I'm so sorry, LoriH... as I have KNOW that I have not really offered ANY answers here... :( I TRULY wish that I could FIX EVERYTHING, for ALL OF US here... If anything, just KNOW that 'someone out here in cyberspace' UNDERSTANDS and is sending you a warm hug...
~GMP
You can't control others. You can only control yourself
Submitted by SuperMommy on
Hi LoriH,
I get it. Really and truly I do. Early in our marriage, my soon to be ex spouse was the same way about animated films, ideas that never got past daydreams since despite my paying for the equipment and classes he never seriously created any film. And my dad, who I'm convinced has an undiagnosed form of ADHD, planned any number of failed businesses that never got past the dreaming stage. My mother footed the bills while he mucked around there as well. And we both put our dreams on hold to hold it down for our families. The only difference is that I had the benefit of seeing what happened to my mom and me and my siblings to help guide my decisions differently (albeit it took me years to figure it all out in therapy).
So please take what I'm saying to you with the proper context.
As a 65 year old man, your husband will likely never change. And you simply can't control that.
However, what you can change and control is when and how to proactively address the impact.
At 65, he can start drawing on social security (if there's any to draw from). Suggest he start doing this. And all of that money needs to go directly into a household account that only you have access to (if he can't be trusted not to leave it there.) Give him enough of it to cover basic stuff like his credit card bill, etc.. Do not use household bills to pay for any of his personal bills. He can get a job to pay those or face the financial consequences. Do not give him a penny of household money toward the magazine either. If he wants to foot the bill for that then he'll find a way to do so by getting advertisers. If you haven't already, work with an accountant to write off these failed business losses and recoup some of that money on taxes. You can revise taxes for the past three year, fyi.
If he's not working, there's no reason he needs a car solo. Have him share it with the 17 year old, who, if he doesn't have an afterschool or weekend job, should get one to teach him work ethic and counter the negative examples he's seen from his dad and positive ones he's seen from you. Plus, that little job will help your son save some money for the extra stuff he'd like to do like movies and concerts.
Speaking of retirement and college, not sure of your line of work, but if you can get on with the staff of a local college or university it could help you a lot. First, most colleges have a college remission program that would allow your son to attend tuition free if you're working there. And it doesn't matter if you're a professor or cafeteria worker or accountant, the same plan is offered to all staff. Second, the retirement plans are decent and this could help you as well.
If you can't do that, and you own your house, I would consider selling when your son goes off to school and either buy a smaller place or rent an apartment. Downsizing might help give you a nest egg. And if your son can go in-state that would help cut down on costs. Strongly suggest not taking out a loan for him to attend school though. You need to pay for retirement. He's young and has more time ahead of him to pay off loans (though hopefully he doesn't need them).
Finally, don't get sucked into your husband's stuff. Let him have his money draining magazine if that's his dream and investors are paying the bills. Everyone needs a dream. Besides, the more he's preoccupied with that the more he's out of your hair to get things done, eh. :) Just put up firewalls so you're not footing his bills and have household matter covered. And borrow a page from his book to nurture some of your own dreams, you deserve it.