My husband accepts that ADHD is a real illness but thinks that because I can read/play games etc. that I am using it as an excuse to be lazy and not do what needs to be done and I cant figure out how to put my thoughts and feelings about it into words that make sense to him because he is a very logical person who likes facts rather than theoretical ideas...so he doesnt want to listen to me talk about ADHD and how I struggle because of hyperfocus and yadda yadda yadda, he wants me to do the dang dishes...period...regardless of whats wrong with me I have to do basic things like dishes and laundry and whatnot and no amount of explaining ADHD to him changes that, it just makes him more upset and angry. I feel like I dont have a leg to stand on in arguements because I dont follow through with pretty much anything I say I am going to do...my track record sucks. He just sees years of me not being reliable and dependable and not taking care of the house and the kids and not being able to work at a job or do anything really productive (I also was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and have been treated for that before we found out I had ADHD) and my poor husband has stayed with me through all of this mess and I feel terrible that I am not doing more and want to just "get over it" and do what needs to be done, but I am not even sure what I can accomplish.
I dont know what to expect from myself or from him and I dont know how or what to ask him to do to help me and I dont even want to ask because I feel like he will just resent me more because he has to "do everything" and I "do nothing" and to make matters worse, he grew up in a military family and was in the Navy so he likes things very orderly and neat and his clothes to be folded a certain way and his pants to be hung a certain way and all these things that he prefers that he has just had to let go because I cannot do it, even if I could do everything else I cant figure out how to fold his shirts that way and I feel like I have let him down as a wife and a partner and I let myself down as a human being and then we are trying to raise 2 kids from my first marriage who both are diagnosed with severe ADHD (getting them diagnosed was how I recognized I had it too) so our house is in constant chaos and he just feels like he is the only person who is sane in our home...and I hate it. I want so much to have a clean house and dinner cooked every night and a calm orderly organized life...and I dont know how to even start.
I found a website called flylady.net and she helps people get organized, but even her "babysteps" are more than I can accomplish most days....I used to do pretty good when she had reminder emails that got sent to your inbox to do different chores and whatnot, but many people didnt like that so they stopped doing it and I havent been able to make myself do it since. I bought a calender software that does reminders and everything and that has helped tremendously but its not enough to be reminded if I dont get up and do it exactly when the reminder goes off because I forget 5 minutes later and dont remember till its too late and he is home from work yelling at me and the kids about what didnt get done.
Its very hard and I am very frustrated and he threatens to leave all the time and that just makes me terrified and anxious and I cant even sleep for days after that because it affects me so much and I just want things to get better and I dont know where to start. I am on medication and have been since March and I just cut my bipolar medications in half (without my doctor's permission) because I felt like the medication side effects were too bad....and that seemed to help me feel like I dont have a 200 lb weight on my back everyday keeping me from doing anything at all...so I am doing more...but its not enough to undo years of doing nothing and I know that even on my best days I cant do everything that needs to be done and I just want him to be happy and for us to have a good loving relationship instead of me feeling like a child who is constantly in trouble.
I feel so overwhelmed and afraid and unsure and we went to marriage counseling but after listening to me talk about my history (severe trauma and abuse, bipolar disorder, PTSD, ADHD etc.) it turned into a therapy session about what I need to do to fix myself....and it didnt do much to help us as a couple. I think that counseling would be good but even if we found a good therapist we cant afford it and he doesnt have time to go so I keep looking for books and websites and free resources that I can point him to...but he is starting to get resentful of all my "problems" because he just seems them as excuses as to why I dont do what I need to do and doesnt want to "learn" anything about any of my problems.
I just want things to be acceptable to both of us and to lead a functional non-chaotic life and that seems like its impossible.