Hi Everyone,
New to this community, why has it taken me so long to find it??? I am ADHD, mid 30's, my BF and I have gone through soooo many problems, always just before that time of the month. We've been together for 2 years and it's not been easy but it's been amazing. He is the love of my life (i feel that like 25/28 days of each month) and the other 3 I just don't know....i know i love him but i feel like i have to put up with constant compalints, anger outbursts from him, misinterpretation, etc....I know that I already have issues with dopamine and that my adhd symptoms get exacerbated, about 5-7 days prior to the start of my cycle. I do not take birth control, because I want to have a kid in the near future, cleansing my body of those hormones, since i've been on them most of my menstruating life.
Fights start out of nowhere, somehow he's upset about something I said, or my tone, or how i reacted to something, or a joke I said, he tells me I am not aware i'm doing something or that's rude, or not loving, or etc, or etc...., sometimes i see it, and go okay thats awful but by the time i have finished recognizing and apologizing, it's too late, has become a full blown fight. Sometimes i totally don't see what he's saying and my very questioning is what begins fights. I have gone to therapy for a long time, love it, because it allows me the ability to grow in a vulnerable place - it's like a green house for the brain. I learn more and more about ADHD everyday and wish i could remember what i learned when i needed it. I feel like as I'm getting a little older the more difficulty I am having managing it. I swear i try so hard, omg, so hard, and meds only work for a certain amount of time. My adhd causes lots of issues in our relationship, it's a cycle that happens every month, i try to anticipate it and something always sneaks up that wasn't on my radar- coincidentally, I also don't get much sleep, always awake at 3am, no matter what, so my lack of sleep doesn't help me stay as aware as possible. I know that it's not an excuse, but adhd explains a lot, being aware of being aware is like so hard. I get frustrated because I am blamed for not trying, i already fight my self everyday to not be any of the things my BF says I am, then hormones happen and bam, back in the gutter, apologizing like crazy, barley treading out, every time. It's gotten our relationship to the point that he's just feeling over it....the idea that he may also have adhd has crossed my mind, but then again he couldn't, he's a very successful engineer that's excelled academically, he doesn't struggle the way I struggle, or else he'd probably be more compassionate. I don't know what to do, i have asked my doctor about putting me on more meds beside adderall but he didn't think that was a good idea. I have asked my BF to seek counseling together to figure out some solutions, while he understands that this happens every month, he says im the one with problem that i need to figure this one out on my own and figure out what I really want, because he is convinced that i do not respect him, love him, appreciate him, list goes on, no matter how much i explain to him, he refuses to see adhd and hormones and real reasons for our issues. I however do not deny wanting help, he just doesn't want to do it with me.....i know this is 100% about learning to communicate, anyone else out there that can relate on either side? Any suggestions that I can try to make myself better during this time? Or suggestions to asking him in a better way to fight this battle together? Or is this purley a "me" issue in our relationship?
Hmmmm.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
"the idea that he may also have adhd has crossed my mind, then again he couldn't, he's a very successful engineer that's excelled academically, he doesn't struggle the way I struggle,"
My fiancee has ADHD. He is brilliant, has a successful career, and excels academically. So, your BF could still have ADHD.
Because you two are in a relationship, it is definitely a We issue. You have different things to work on, separately and together.
Going to counseling together is a good idea...so is separate counseling for you BOTH. I also think that you need to get a better night's sleep.
He don't like the way your mind works.....
Submitted by c ur self on
He is trying to train you in how to live, based on his ability and experience's of what social interactions should be like....But he isn't your counselor or therapist...His feelings are effected, he's not like your family or your friends....Who over look a lot in the name of love...Plus they don't have to be one w/ you, they can enjoy their time with you and go home.....Life time relationships are 24/7 it's every day!
Your BF will need to learn acceptance...He can't fix you to think and live in a way that matches his thinking or his experience's w/ normal social interaction between couples....Thoughtfulness....Awareness....respect.....The things that have to be pointed out to you (in his mind), is you!.....And that probably want change to a great degree, unless you master slowing down your mind, and speaking only what has been weighed (?)....You are probably a precious person, and you probably have grown up discounting your actions as just being you? We all do this to a degree, in order to feel good about ourself...But, we must search ourselves out when it comes to thinking, feelings, and behaviors that are intrusive, hurtful or embarrassing to others....A single adder who struggles in normal ways, can be at peace alone (no one is effected, but themselves) ...But that's not the reality in a life time committed relationship...2 being 1.....
Your BF will need to totally accept you just like you are...And you will totally have to never cut yourself slack, when you do are say things that are unfiltered, and are just wrong.....(If his attempted fixing, and your defensiveness or justification don't stop, (what creates the full blown arguments that you stated you are having) y'all have no chance for happiness IMO.....
His anger based off of his expectations are his deal...He needs his own counseling.....
blessings
c
Of it is any consolation, I
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Of it is any consolation, I suffer from horrific Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder and for 11 days out of the month I turn into a snarling, disassociated, anxious, self harming monster who is as likely to deliberately destroy every relationship I have as to go on a 6 hour crying jag. I am also marvellously allergic to progesterone (I get dermatitis as well as bonkers mood swings) so I cannot take hormones. For me, my (ADHD) partner is one of the few people who cheer me up, but he is also often not there and so I get like a serotonin junkie trying to make him give me a fix. So. Much. Fun. For. All.
Pms and pmdd are exacerbated by stress of any sort, and will make worse any underlying conditions, ADHD included. I get spectacular flares of my rheumatoid arthritis. Doctors are singularly unhelpful. The only solutions I have come across other than taking anti depressants for 11 days is as follows:
1) Make an alarm on my phone that screams LUTEAL CYCLE. I set it two days early so I can try do things like sort stress out.
2) Make an alarm on my partner's phone so that he knows to be aware that it is happening and to be there at least once. For your partner, it might be to back the hell off and remove all expectations. Frame it as hormonal not just ADHD - and do it before you get hormonal.
3) Exercise. A lot. Research shows that the closer you are to bleeding the better weight based exercise is. Cardio and speed training is too difficult with the hyper body awareness that comes with luteal phase, although I find swimming is soothing.
4) Eat whatever the hell I am craving but the healthiest versions I can.
5) Very loud music that I can try to drown out the scratching of my brain with and channel out the anxiety.
6) Avoid people, events, socialising. If I ever want to have them again. Or make sure it is so crowded I am lost. Preferably with loud music.
7) I hate mindfulness and cannot manage it then (before it escalates maybe), but I find reading soothes my brain and lets me focus on something neutral. So jump into your favourite hyper focus and let it help.
8) Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help improve brain-response time in hormonal issues, as well as ADHD (train the brain to get a few seconds before impulsiveness).
Perhaps overall though, try showing (through attention) you love him, rather than telling? It might be easier. And be kind to yourself - hormones are terrible even sans ADHD.
PMS....Men just have to be understanding....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's amazing what some women suffer through for several days...It was about 10 for my first wife....Have you ever saw a puppy trying to force and old tired dog to play?...And eventually the puppy gets snapped at? LOL....breast swelling and tenderness, vaginal swelling and tenderness, severe cramps and fatigue, often clotting :(....When a person's body makes that many changes, who wouldn't suffer in spirit and attitude.....
I'm pretty sure that is one of the reason scripture says...."husbands live with your wives in and understanding manner"....IF I was having those systems, I sure would want some kindness and understanding....I sure wish I would have been wiser :(......
But on the bright side....After about the end of that 3 day of her menstrual cycle...The smiling playful pup was back w/ me..:)
c
I am torn between feeling
Submitted by Sollertiae on
I am torn between feeling terrible for your ex wife and enjoying the he puppy simile!
Yeh, and for significant others who are men, it is all rather tabboo and not helped by doctors ignoring it. It is when people start using it against you in an 'oh don't listen to her, she is simply hormonal' that I get mad. If anything, that is when you should. Really. And it is also why I value my partner because he is kind, tolerant and gently humurous when I suddenly go mad on him once a month. The least I can do is work to accommodate his brain in return:)
Don't feel terrible for my first wife....
Submitted by c ur self on
She eventually stopped having periods...Chemo induced menopause....And at age 49 (breast cancer) she went home, she will never suffer any form of sickness again!
c
So grateful...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
..to no longer be suffering with the "Periods From Hell".
Yay!
Submitted by Sollertiae on
So jealous. Although knowing my luck, menopause will be somehow more horrific.
Menopause
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Menopause was easy as pie for me. My periods just stopped one day. No hot flashes and night sweats.... nothing. At 11 years old when my cycles started they came in like a lion. At 47, done... out like a lamb.
When I had my first child at 31 I realized that what I went through every month prepared me for childbirth. Going through labor was the same thing I went through every month. I was well prepared to deal with it.
What a wonderful way to have
Submitted by Sollertiae on
What a wonderful way to have them end, after all of that. My mum had hot flushes for 4 years, and the best predictor is... her. Plus given I can't take HRT due to the synthetic progesterone I am resigned to doom. With drama. Such are bodies!
Yes! I think people tend to forget that cramps are in fact the same as contractions in childbirth. My main complaint is the mood side... I mean. Ulgh.
I'm literally crying reading
Submitted by MamaDragon18 on
I'm literally crying reading this because my husband of almost 5 years gave me the ultimatum today that if I fall off on the house work and he has to do it all or a large portion again we're separating. I have desperately tried to do better and be better all the time everyday. To not be the things he says(literally some of the exact same phrases your bf does) and I don't want to be like this. The understanding on his part definitely needs to be there for you to feel better about the changes that you are actively making in your life. I hope that was helpful, you're not alone and it's nice to know neither am I.