ADHD and infidelity

Ok I need to know what people out there have dealt with on this issue.  Please keep on topic. :)  I really need to know what to expect with my newly DH. I am non ADHD.  We have already had some issues on this topic.

I need help. 

Just answered, somewhat...but

Just answered, somewhat...but the more untreated my DH is, the worse his tendency to be drawn to outside attention. The worse he feels about himself, the more he seeks the attention and approval of others outside the marriage. For many years, I trusted him completely...but then things changed almost overnight when his mother was diagnosed with cirrhosis and was told she was dying...and for 3 years (she died 6 months later) our lives were pure HELL. He cheated...we reconciled...then I found out that he'd developed a very close friendship with a co-worker (female) which was FORBIDDEN and he knew it. 

I don't feel this behavior is a 'norm' for him...honest to God, I would not be married to him if I felt it was something I was certain to be dealing with. I told him that counseling and treatment for his ADHD was the ONLY WAY I was going to stay married to him because I do feel he has the capability of being faithful and respecting our marital boundaries...as long as he stays on top of the ADHD. His focus in counseling is his shitty coping skills and self destructive behaviors...I can only pray it is working. I have very little faith in him, but I have an unending amount of Faith in God that He will work it all out in the end, even if we don't end up together. I truly feel the majority of my suffering in my marriage is over. Things will either be uphill from here or I will find out in a very quick (and less painful) way that he isn't ever going to change and I will walk away. I'm hopeful it is the prior, but am prepared for either.

15 years this

15 years this year. First year was extremely rocky...and then things leveled out and were good for several years. I would go so far as to say we had a marriage I was PROUD of. I was the center of his world...and he mine. We got custody of my SD in 2004...basically on a whim...but it was necessary...and we started fighting and the stress of it all just caused him to really struggle to keep it together for years. He drank, off and on, for a while...and spent a lot of time away from home with friends. She was nearing 18 (light at the end of the tunnel) when we found out about his mother (my father had an accident and died too...and he felt EXTREME guilt about this because he was cheating on me when my Daddy died) in May 2009 and for the next 3 years things went very wrong at a torturously slow rate.

So, it seems life events and things that cause stress (in which there is no way out of..i.e. death of a loved one, constant fighting over a child you have custody of) are just absolutely disastrous for him. However, now that we've recognized this, he stands a much better chance of dealing with it. In the meantime, I deal with it by just simply moving forward with my life and not letting it affect every aspect of my life. I love him and I support him. I would move mountains to help him get treatment and to get well...but his attitude must remain one of accountability and acceptance and acknowledgment or I am done. DONE.

Nothing but my own fear...

I've assumed, wondered, and accused my ADD guy of cheating. Oye... Talk about defensiveness! Nonetheless, I do believe it has more to do with the ADD defensiveness and my insecurities than his fidelity. 

Almost 17 years of marriage

I'm the ADDer, diagnosed about 3 years ago. I have never cheated on my DW. We have certainly had many issues with communication and as Sherri says my ADD was also discovered during an extremely stressful year. From day one, I knew cheating was the marital "Death Penalty".

how do you know for sure???

how do you know that for sure,no one ever knows if they were ever been cheated on or not.

what goes on around us is what he know,what about what goes on when we are not around??!! but it's good to keep a positive thinking!

lovehurts.

Neither of us have ever been unfaithful

in word, deed, or attitude.  My husband never gawks at other women and has never been anything but respectful to me and to any and every woman I know of that he comes into contact with..  He doesn't flirt with other women in front of me and I have good reason to believe he doesn't flirt with other women ever.

Infidelity is not acceptable or ok because someone has ADD. We are all responsible to control ourselves in a vast variety of ways.

:(

Met 34 years ago,  married 25 years.

Husband has had MAJOR issues with skirt chasing, flirting, desperately needing the attention of other women, and yes, infidelity. I must add, all prior to Adderall.

Don't ask me why I am still around, because honestly, I can't answer it right now.  He has always been a cheater. Whether in person, or in the past few years, over the internet.  Joined dating sites, got caught.  SWORE he was "just killing time", "just looking" etc etc etc.  I said "just looking" is porn.  Nameless, strangers.  THIS was actual looking.  He said "no" again.  Then it was Craigslist.  Right here in OUR AREA, replying to ads, SKYPED his picture out there.  Yes, so now I can be walking through the mall and have some filthy slut out there recognize my husband as the guy who wanted to &#^@& her...after "meeting her" on Craigslist.

In our early years, I had a fabulous body, I was always interested in him and doting on him, and he still wandered.  I should have figured it would not get any better with age, twin pregnancy(and the sad truth about what that can do to a figure), and obviously the way children become a priority.  

Can't finish this right now...crying.....

 

NJTWINMOM,I am sorry you go through this too!

I go through the same thing and I am sorry,but I tell you one thing I am never ever going to do,I am never going to stay with my husband for 25 years of infidelity.Thinking of moving on right now as I type.That is enough to send me crazy.I deserve respect,love,and honesty,and so do you.

lovehurts.

NOT EXCUSING

He has not cheated for the entire 25 years.  It has happened more than once though.  What we say and think we would do is sadly very different than what we "end up" doing.  I would never, ever have imagined I'd still be around after ONE mess up, let alone several.

I feel like an idiot.

Sorry...

I don't know much, but I do know it is not you who is at fault. Don't beat yourself up for trying to make your family work. 

You are not an idiot.

I am sorry that I don't have anything to say that can help you, but I know you have a lot of support out here.

Thanks YYZ

I will never, ever, ever beat myself up for trying to make my marriage and family work out.  I do beat myself up for not standing my ground many, many years ago when this all began, and either leaving then, or getting him the help HE needed, back then.  We went to marriage counseling together several times throughout the years, he went to counseling separately. I went separately...NOTHING HELPED.  NOTHING AT ALL.  He'd listen, agree, cry, beg, promise all would change...and swear that he WANTED TO BE MARRIED TO ME.  Just as rapidly as all the promises were made, they were broken.

He has single handedly turned me in to someone who doesn't trust.  Who is constantly looking over the other shoulder.  Someone afraid, when I was once fearless, self doubting, when I was once confident.  Angry, so, so, so very angry.

I do appreciate the support here.

You can be fearless once

You can be fearless once again.....I  know it. Yes, I think we might be the same person! :)

Good!

I'm glad you know you were trying to do what you thought was best for the family! I guess the hardest part is not knowing when too much damage has been done. My dad always told me if there was more good than bad in a marriage it was good. It makes sense, but my analytical programmer side cannot find this "Ledger" to see which way we are...

Are you seeing a counselor now, for yourself, not him? I believe this must be my next step, but I'm afraid of the signals it would send. 

I appreciate your comments and this site has Really been supportive to me through all of this.

Hang in there NJTWINMOM...

No

Currently neither of us in in counseling.

When he began the Adderall in January, we continued with the Psychologist we had been seeing for years, but then would go to sessions and have to strain to come up with something to say.  The Psych is clearly only versed in Children with ADHD and we wound up just wasting time and getting frustrated.  I told him he needs to find an ADHD specialty Psych or Counselor, but not easy to find apparently.  We did go to a few "Group Therapy" type meetings for ADHD and their spouses.  I was the only spouse who showed up to either, so that was of no use to me, and he goes intermittently.  One he was not happy with, so he is sticking with the other.  I was grasping at straws, hoping that even a tiny bit of help is better than none, but now I think he just sees it as a "night out" away from me.  He DOES NOT like talking to me.  

Therapy

I saw a psychologist for about 5 sessions right after my diagnosis, but he never really got into the ADD, so we talked about my communication and my DW's anger. It helped some, I guess, but I've learned more through reading and this website. My DW and I had two couples sessions with her psychologist which went well, but I don't think my DW liked hearing about how my ADD contributed to our situation, like I get a free pass or something. I met the set goals ahead of schedule and have actually asked my DW to go back, since we obviously have more issues to work through. She has not shown interest in the suggestion. Talking is not our strong suit either, unless it is related to the function of the household / children. I am really beginning to wonder what would happen if both DD's were off at college... 

Well

My first twin moves August 22nd and the other twin goes Sept 2nd.  I'll let you know how the "kids away at college" helps.

  We were doing very well for awhile there and I was so hoping that through prom and senior awards night (that's tonight in fact) and of course Graduation, we would be close and loving and like a "real" couple, but NOPE...ain't happenin'.  As long as I make all the plans for fun and excitement, as long as I keep the passion burning, as long as I jump his bones as often as possible all will be "ducky", but ya know something....when someone has treated me like this for so long, it's soooo hard to "get the feeling" (think the Barry Manilow song Trying To Get the Feeling Again).....

We have time to ourselves, as the kids drive, have their own cars, work and have lives.  We were alone Sunday night.  He knew we would be.  One would think he would try to get issues cleared up before Sunday, to try to make the most of our night alone.. NOPE....not at all.....never even acted interested.  That's something I have really noticed.  I gave it my all...making myself available...making the first move...lingerie....naked for gods sake.......IDK what the story is, but he's just not interested.  While I don't think there's anything going on with anyone else, what else have I been conditioned to think?  Very sad.  Very, very sad.

That really stinks...

My oldest just finished her freshman year, so we are carting kids everywhere. So rare is there a night when both are out doing things, this makes it easy to Not do anything together. I told her a couple of weeks ago the we "Need" some time together, because we cannot connect otherwise. When it goes so long, it is awkward when we do get to go out together. 

Let me know how the "Kids at College" thing goes...

I am so sorry...I know I

I am so sorry...I know I don't know you, but this makes me so sad. I had a hot little bod in my younger years and after 4 pregnancies I have "momma marks".  You carried those little ones, be proud of that.  I did not mean to upset anyone by this post, I just need to learn about this, find people who understand. I could not imagine what you have been through....one thing I can say to you, no matter who he would have married he would have done this to them, it's NOT you....don't take that on your shoulders.  Look up Harry Schaumburg.  He's an author and has seminars....

Longhaul

You haven't upset me.  When I first came here it was like a huge relief.  I felt like WOW, I wasn't alone...others felt as I did...have been through what I have been through,  felt warmth, comfort, I felt understood.  Then when husband shut me out again (communication wise) I read other things here that do make me sad....so.very.sad.  Things like they never change, they are all the same, it will always be about him, and I want to scream and cry out....WHY????   WHY don't all of us just run??

Oh, I carried boy/girl twins to full term.  Son 7-9 lbs and 21 1/2 inches, Daughter 7 lbs and 21 inches even.....I had a wonderful pregnancy and never felt better.  I only put 40 pounds on, but was ALL BABY.  The night before I went in for my section I measured my belly to be 56 inches around!!  I know it was wonderful, amazing and the best thing that ever happened to me.  I was just using it as a point of reference.  Tall, shapely, blonde, busty that was me and he STILL had a roaming eye.  Now that I am just tall and busty, I can see why he looked elsewhere.Thats just the physical side though.  The more important side is that he doesn't live with these other women. They don't know he can't get his shit together.  He can't remember something important from the store even if you told him ten times and wrote it down....I DO....and  for that, I think he hates me.

I will look up this Harry person.  Today, I got in the mail from amazon my most 2 recent SELF HELP books "Co Dependent No More" and "Boundaries...I have to read, cause he just won't/can't.  Took alot to get him to finish Melissas book and that is a well presented easy read.

H*U*G*S