I am kind of desperate here and I need advice from someone that has lived something like this.
I've been with my fiancé for almost 3 years. Last year in may he had to move back to the states for a better job opportunity, he wasn't feeling well at his last job, so I encouraged him to take the job, I knew it was going to be a challenge for both of us, he doesn't like to talk too much and I am more the chatty kind.
Everything had been ok, in fact two weeks ago he was sending me lyncs of romantic songs for me and he even tattooed a verse of "our song" on his arm so I could know I am/ was "his dream".
Last week everything changed, he seemed to be avoiding me, he didn't answer my calls or texts. Friday morning he told me he was just stressed out. In the afternoon when I called him ( as we always do it's like our date) he started blaming me for his misery, he said it was my fault he was there and I was here. (Guatemala) that I had told him to leave, that maybe I wanted to start dating again, that I stress him out, that maybe I always think he is cheating ( although I have never told him that) , and it was so confusing, he didn't let me speak and then he said he was done with this and hung up on me. I don't know if his meds have been changed or if it's depression, but I haven't heard from him since then. It's been 5 days and I was weak, I called him and he didn't answer.
I am so confused. I can't believe he broke our engagement just like that. He just vanished and I don't know, is that a "normal" behavior for ADHDers? I don't know what to think, I mean if he is backing up about the marriage thing he should tell me the truth not disappear, and that makes me wonder how will he react if I get seriously sick in the future, will he just disappear???
any suggestion or advise you could give would be great...
Distance is so difficult.
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Distance is so difficult.
It's sad to say but if he doesn't want to have contact with you, distance and the net and phone being what they are, he will be making his own decisions about on whether and how to communicate.
It must have been upsetting to suddenly hear accusations. iif you're uncertain about whether or not you are the source of his unhappiness, he's an adult, not a teen and not a child. He's the one who was given the opportunity to work in the U.S., not you. He was the one dissatisfied with his job in Guatemala. His relation with his boss and his paycheck Are his responsibility, regardless of what country he's working in. Your advice didn't make him take the job.
He's also responsible for what's in his head. his believing you is not your job to accomplish but is your fiance's. Only he can do his believing. No one can make anyone else believe anything. I think that no matter how much truth I tell, if the person listening doesn't want to believe me, there's nothing I can do about it.
As I understand it, your responsibility is to tell the truth. But you can't make your boyfriend believe you. I know this is very painful.
Try not to call him, since you did call and he didn't answer the phone. (and since he hung up on you earlier) It will be hard to wait and not try to contact him, but he's the one with his worries, and he's the one who didn't answer the phone or return your call, so he has the adult responsibility (not you) of crossing the distance that he created. You can be certain that he is the one who created the distance because of how he handled the conversation, which ended with him hanging up on you. So there's a communication gap that he created. If you were not long distance, things could be handled differently. Long distance limits the "talking out the problem" options.
Let him have some separation. I don't think it will help you or future communication with your boyfriend if you insist on trying to contact him, and he gets into a pattern of not responding to emails, texts or calls.
You asked one question that I can't answer, even giving a good guess. I don't know whether it is frequent or not for people with ADHD to suddenly break off a relation . I've seen people who don't have ADHD do those things, too. Someone who knows more individuals with ADHD, or who has heard someone with ADHD talk about this will have to be the one to tackle that question of yours
What came across to me most was that he had control issues.
He didn't feel like he was in charge of his life he was upset, his head was full of worries, he blamed you for his feelings, maybe or maybe not something happened at his end that he's not told you about that would explain that sudden shift in him, and then he hung up on you. Hanging up on you is having the last word, being the one to control the ending of that conversation.
Try not to call him or text him. For his own sense of self control, he may need to cool off, and decide how he's going to resume contact with you. Let him have the adult room to do that.
Wishing you well. I know that you're alarmed and upset. As anyone in your situation would be.
Good luck. This kind of a long distance interaction is very painful indeed.
you may be well out of it
Submitted by Delphine on
I understand, of course, how difficult it is to accept that someone you love, and who you thought loved you, is not up for a real relationship which entails thoughtfulness and consideration of one another. But I would suggest he has given definite signs of this.
If you read the many posts in this forum from long-term partners of ADHD's about all that they go through on a daily basis perhaps you will conclude it is best to let go and move on. There are worse things than being alone for a time. Of course, give yourself time and space to grieve.
Thank you for your advise. I
Submitted by andrucd on
Thank you for your advise. I have considered the option of ending everything if he doesn't decide of what he wants for his life.
Wish me luck though...
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by andrucd on
I do wish you luck, andrucd.
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
I do wish you luck, andrucd. This has to be very upsetting to you. Yes, I hope he's straightforward with you. That's so needed, because of the distance, and not being able to be with each other while you two talk.
Let us know how things are with you, please
Good luck
Submitted by Delphine on
And don't assume you haven't been lucky if he doesn't call. Again, given what you have shared about his behavior, you may be well out of it.
This can't be ascribed just to ADHD, btw. My son who is ADHD recently broke it off with his gf. It was difficult, as this was NOT what she wanted, but he had the courage and consideration to be with her through the process, and they remain friendly.
Hi, well the day has come,
Submitted by andrucd on
I think you should give it some time.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I would consider backing away for awhile and see if he doesn't pursue you, and have a logical explanation for his current behavior...Your comments identify someone who is experiencing emotional instability.
Also to not communicate with you is very disrespectful....I don't think you want a life time of that....
C
Taking some time
Submitted by andrucd on
Hi, well just wanted to let you know how it went with me.
He called he said he had been really busy with work, but kept being "weird"
Last Friday I told him I would call him in the afternoon but didn't do it. On Sunday he had texted me something like: Good night baby I love you. That was enough to bring me into tears because it had been a long time since he texted something like that.
Long story short, I found out that his work number wasn't working so I got a little desperate and emailed him. He told me had changed his number for a local number which was weird for me. Yesterday he told me he was let go of his job but he couldn't bring himself to tell me, he said he would call be didn't do it.
I guess I will take some time for me and distract myself and see if he is willing to contact me in a while if not, well I guess I will have to move on.
thank you for your support.