Hi, I'm new to this forum, so please be gentle. I'm trying to get all this down, so hope it makes sense
I'm a 54 year old male, and have been living with my girlfriend (53yo) for the last 3 years, and been together for the past 4 years.
We met on match.com. I can say that I had the feeling she had already fallen for me before we even met, just from our chatting on match.com, as I'd tried to cancel the date as I knew she was taller than me (superficial I know). She insisted we meet still. On our first date, she was incredibly attentive, and it felt very full on. She touched my face after 10 minutes of meeting, and asked me if I wanted to f*** her after about an hour. This question was totally out of the blue, as we'd just met and were having a normal conversation (smalltalk). We saw each other virtually ever day after the first date and it seemed to progress at an alarming speed. The sex was amazing, and she made me feel like a king. I was totally blown away. This lasted for around 6 months.
She could never sit still, she wouldn't watch TV and was always on the go. She was very excitable, to which I fell in love with.
The relationship was superb for around 3 or 4 weeks, (we were living separately at the time) which is when she had her first "incident", which seemed minor, and aimed at her son (21 years old at the time), not me. He had sucked up damp wallpaper into "henry" vacuum, which had gone smelly. She went ballistic at this, in front of me, and made her son go out and buy a new vacuum cleaner. After this had calmed down, everything was fine for a couple of weeks..
Next "incident" she was chatting about her wages, to which I'd commented that her wages were pretty good. She went ballistic again for no apparent reason, shouting at me and saying "you're taking the pi55". I walked out of her house at this as I couldn't believe how she had reacted. She followed me and shouted for me to come back, to which I did.
These "incidents" carried on every couple of weeks, which would send me down. It would take me a few days to bounce back to my normal happy self. Seemed to be a roller coaster of ups and downs. The arguments were horrendous, and I felt like she'd twisted and manipulated things I said in general conversation just to cause chaos. I walked away from her many times as I'm not good at arguing.
She moved in with me at the start of covid lockdown (2020). Her son was still living in her house at the time, and I feel he was glad to see her go. This roller coaster of a relationship gradually got worse and worse with her control, jealousy, anger outbursts and gaslighting for seemingly irrelevant things. It felt like the reaction outweighed the cause of every "incident". She is very possessive over her belongings, and I felt like I was one of those "belongings" too. She would "expect" me to pay for everything including holidays etc but there would always be some sort of "tantrum" where her anger would come out, especially if she got overwhelmed.
When we met, I knew there was something different about her, and I think this is what attracted me to her. She would admit she was different, and used to say "I'm a nightmare, you won't be able to handle me". I brushed this off at the time. She'd told me her ex husband used to beat her up, to which I later found out later was a lie. She'd also told me she'd failed all her exams at school but passed her math and English in her 20s, to which I later found out she'd got a friend to take the exam for her. Last year she did an online degree for dyslexia and behavioral problems. She's asked me to read through her work before she handed it in. The content, grammar and punctuation were awful, and I virtually re-wrote the whole dissertation. She is working as a teaching assistant, but she'd come home many times asking me questions about the subjects she'd been "teaching" at school. I tried to help her as much as possible, but the answerers never seemed to "go in".
Throughout the relationship, I had the feeling she had ADHD, but she's always deny this, but she would say she feels she's different, and thinks different to other people. She was very controlling, she couldn't stand it if plans changed, she gaslit me (downplaying things she'd said in anger), very jealous, and would throw a tantrum if things were not done as she wanted. The sex died out totally around 6 months ago, partly down to me as I no longer felt any connection to her as she'd verbally attacked me so many times, and partly down to her as she was always on her phone (stalking my ex girlfriends on facebook etc) I had no interest in any of my exes, but she knew exactly what they were up to.
2 weeks prior to us splitting, we'd seen a counselor, who'd confirmed to my partner and myself that I was in an abusive relationship. I was surprised at her saying this. She'd also said she could see no hope to the relationship.
6 weeks ago, we had a massive final row again, over her control and constant lying, since the split it has left me feeling bewildered and confused, and wondering if I am a narcissist and could have done more to save the relationship. The breakup was really messy, and she was furious (not sad). She'd called her parents, to which I though she was going to live. I later found out that her father had refused to have her at his house (he has the space), as he said her antics would give her father and mother heart attacks. She moved in with her sister, to which she lasted 2 days, and they'd had a massive row and she moved out.
Since us splitting up, she's followed me on strava (athletics app), blocked me on strava, then unblocked me on strava. Blocked me on all social media, whattsapp etc.
I feel that although things were so volatile between us, we did so much together, and can't help but miss her. Completely stupid of me, I know
Reason for writing all this is if anyone can shed some light to what I've been through, I would really appreciate it. I still feel I love her, but don't (if that makes sense). Are ADHD and narcissistic tendencies connected? I have the inability to move on at the moment. Every one seems "flat" in comparison.