Hi. My wife is diagnosed with ADHD with a tendency to impulsivity. That was what her report some 7 years ago said. It certainy told us a lot about her difficult teenage years and lack of confidence and esteem.
As our marrige matures and the stresses of life have changed - she has virtually shut down. It is so very sad to see and the helplessness involved. I have asked she possible work, join a healthclub, volunteer her time to a good cause, relax, whatever. She has little responsibility outside our home which has degraded until I brought in professional cleaners to make it livable again.
I ask with love, pressure, reminder or any technique I can find to no avail. I ask for her help (economically, why not get a PT job?) and she refuses to give even an answer. She refuses to discipline the kids and hasn't cooked more than 3 family meals in 2 months - and she loves to cook.
In research and counciling I have discovered the PAPD (Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder) and it seems to fit her last few years behavior to a tea. I am certainly not qualified to diagnose, nor is it my intent to lable - but the behaviors all fit. Blame shifting, shut down, lack of anger communication, building hidden resentment, attacking, no communication, withdrawl, mind spinning arguments, threats, irresponsibility, etc. And on top of it all my determination to survive in an ADHD marrige has led me into a co-dependency - taking all the responsibility and adding to my stressand the circle just keeps spinning.
My questions involve any similiar experiences and positive ideas or suggestions. We are unfortunatly in a bad place. There is no health, fidelity or significant money issues - just a struggle with control and responibility. She says she wants to be a complete contributor - but she sits all day and blames me. She says she wants a job but will not look for one and blames me for it. She says she has no friends and it's because I don't like any shes ever had. Shes resurrecting contacts now from 15-20 years ago but leaves the kids home, while I am working, alone to go socialize, shop or eat out.
I am in a situation where I could have impact and support - but that seems to come back to bite me as controlling. I can ignore it and shower her with kindness and patience - but she just sits. Oh what to do.
The PAPD and this blog both suggest PAPD can be misdiagnosed in an ADHD adult and I cannot understand that or what that means. I simply want the best strategy for all concerned including our two teenagers. What part of ADHD manafests into the PAPD looking personality and why?
She takes Adderall and it impacts her pretty strongly. She hyperfocuses for 1/ day and surfs the internet. She depends on it. She as also recently picked up a low grade anti-depressant and the recommendation of her doctor.
She's not a mean person but something somewhere is in termoil and I cannot get a correct strategy to support. I have slept on the couch for 2 months now (at her insistance) and am really looking for a positive plan. Divorce? Awfully easy and terminal. Maybe. But I owe the family a good old shot at doing anything I can.
Oviously there are some arguments about the daily stresses and child rearing and we have had some disappoitments - but any expression from me is delt with with hostiliy and rejection. I sleep on the couch because I yelled at her over Memorial day.
How do you direct or mentor in an uncontrollable way someone that wants something and refuses to move to it and holds you accountable?. Catch-22.
Thanks in advance.