ADHD and work ability

First time poster so forgive the vent and stupid questions.

Our marriage therapist and I think my DH has ADHD. He's semi-responsive to this diagnosis and hasn't been officially tested. The sad thing is when he was all set to go to a therapist to discuss these issues, the therapist turned out to be not right for him and essentially misguided the diagnosis, told him he didnt' want help for other issues, gave him a referral where our marriage therapist said 'OMG don't go to that person". So now he's discouraged and hasn't looked into any personal therapist.

Here are the problems and the more I read about ADHD in this forum/site, the more I see that DH indeed has it.

Housework: he "tries" but you're lucky to get one thing out of him then he says "you're keeping a list". I'm not keeping a list. It's a fact. There's not ONLY the dishes to do. There are 12 other things. And he's never proactive. The usual course is asking him 3 times in a day over a series of days and I wind up doing it because I don't want a scummy house. And if he is proactive, you think he turned the house into gold. I say thank you but it seems he wants praise upon high and the whole "I don't know if you noticed but I"m really trying." And he says this when the cat box hasn't been cleaned or tons of dishes are in the sink. To me, how is that trying? I want initiative.

Multitasking: Forget it. He can't watch our child AND do the dishes. He says he's working. I too work from home one day and watch our child, do the dishes, clean, work, do a scheduled conference call.

Forgetting/reminding/nagging: In one ear and out the other is the way I communicate with him. It's frustrating. Most of the time he's watching TV or worse on Facebook. He ALWAYS is checking FB on the phone or texting someone. ALWAYS. In the car, I'm driving, he's texting with people. I'm at home, he's FB instead of communicating yet he wants me to sit in the room with him. He needs company ,action, stimulation, fun, etc.

Responsibility/tastes/money: Now here is where work comes into play because his role with money has always been horrendous. He spends if he has it. Spends before he gets it. Wants to buy, buy, buy the latest and greatest. How many tvs do we need? All I hear is he wants this vacation, this electronic, whines about not having the car he wants, compares himself to other people, wants wine/beer, best cheeses, and I always here "I can't stay in this house another day." And another day is literally one more day, not a week, not 5 days. Two days in a row and he's bouncing off the walls. So...where does this money come from? He has never had a savings. He has no retirement. We have stability because of me (a home, retirement) and even that is scraping by because I can't rely on him to provide stability for us. It's like I am a roommate or a mom (yes common theme with ADHD) and it frustrates me. And then he tells me don't worry, don't stress, or don't get mad. I jump way to far ahead and my anxiety urks him. Hello, we're 40s and we don't have enough for retirement. We rely on MY INCOME and MY retirement to get us by. He dropped out of college because "waaa no one paid for it" instead of doing what most people do--work 2 jobs or loan. His credit is getting better but it was shot. He barely pays bills on time. And until the last few years, has never had a lucrative job because he can't work for a boss, work at a desk, work hard labor, work 9-5, have expectations put on him. So I got tired of having him in a relvolving door employment and told him to open his own business. It's the only job he's held onto for an extended period of time (8 years). He's good at sales/talking with people and he has the talent. But the problem is it's heavily discretionary income. So when the market tanks or someone wants a competitor cheaper--there goes the pay. I have ZERO clue what he makes. I had to nag him for years to at least do it right with taxes, workers comp, insurance, and quit claim his rights to the house and LLC because no way am I getting involved/dragged down if things go bad. NO WAY. Instead I got dragged down in other ways like taking out HELOCs and cashing out on the house. NEVER AGAIN. He wants, wants, wants, wants and usually it's whatever is the quickest answer is how we/he gets out of debt but then it raises my debt and responsibility. And now with this job/business it's not doing well, it never does well to stabilize and we have a child. Today he goes "well maybe I cut my income to pay the employee". Hello, I'm struggling to pay the mortgage/bills and we have a kid? If I can barely cover things now what if the furnace breaks? Who is paying for that? My jacked up cards because of DH???? NO WAY. I'm drowning because I've set no boundaries with him and now I'm starting to think we have to sell the house to get into a cheaper townhome. Fine but you know, why am I constantly downgrading MY life to save his? When am I going to see 50% effort? I don't. He's not even calling therapists. He refuses to consider an outside sales job or tells me "the market sucks". The market isn't THAT bad if you apply yourself. Oh wait. You never did so you can't compete with college grads. So I have to stay in a toxic work place (emotionally) because it's the only really good salary I can bring in. Everywhere else cuts my pay. So....it's all on me, right?

I was fed up 6 months ago with everything and was ready to divorce. We are working on the marriage and I have seen some improvement with his temper---my depression/anxiety causes him to react he says. He is accountable for nothing. If he gets angry, YOU made him angry. Hello free will to choose to be a jerk or not by screaming. And I never had anxiety until I met him. I came from a stable income. Not rich. But whatever needed to be done for the family/security/future was done. Work 3 shifts. Budget. Live cheaply. Nope, not my DH. He expects, expects, expects. I would have to win the lottery for life in order to please him. And we have to have all financials separate because I can't rely/trust him with not going over and spending money. So we truly live like roommates. I have my bills, he has his.

The last straw lately is this whole work/money thing. It's not changing. He's too stubborn. He won't get help. He won't look at possibilities. He won't admit defeat or even a condition but it was important for me to go on meds, get into therapy, and be called 'depressed'. Why is that ok but he can't say "yes I have ADHD and I will work on xyz and do things differently." He doens't and if he did 1/2 of it, he turns everything into he's a victim.

I don't know how much more I can take. We have a child, can't afford a 2nd one (another denial to me because of him and his ADHD--money reasons), we can't afford another house because he doesn't/can't contribute. We're 40s so retirement is something we need solid---how? He doesn't do anything, have benefits, work things out because he can't. NO money = no extra for retirement. He is only looking forward to my parents' inheritance to provide easy street for him. He's spent it in his mind before they're even dead (car, his bills, vacations, new home). When is he going to contribute? And how dare he spend it in his mind? My parents didn't live meagerly to fund HIM. They did those things for me and our child.

Everyone says dump him with his "laziness, selfishness, temper, marijuana use". I get he has ADHD but you know, I don't even know what I like, what my dreams are, or can calm down (you should see my night  guard) because I"m always on edge because of him. What kind of life/fairness is that to me?

And if someone is in his 40s, I don't expect to change. And the news of a divorce last time freaked him out so much this will not go well at all for our child. He's a good man/father but damn it, he's killing my spirit, future and I'm mad.

Decisions

I certainly understand where you are coming from. Sounds a bit like my ex. But I'm starting to think that ADDers CAN change. Mine was 49 when I'd finally had enough and kicked him out (divorce was final a year later). He literally couldn't function; couldn't hold a job, carry on a conversation, finish (or even start) a chore. I worried about how he would survive, but I had too many problems (caused by him) to deal with myself.

Well...he's doing really well. He has a great job, and apparently is doing well in it. He's still not able to survive on his own; he rents a room with a landlady who takes care of him, but he's been there for 6 years, so he must not annoy her too much. He's always come back to see the kids, so we've stayed in communication since he moved out. In fact, we are now dating again. He's more polite and 'together' than he's ever been in the 35+ years I've known him. I'm not sure what he did, but he's changed. I don't know how well the changes will hold up to our first fight, or any pressure on him, or if we ever live together again (I have a lot of doubts about that). I think he had to hit bottom before it became reality to him, but apparently he's done the hard work.