I am the non ADHD Spouse and am ready to literally pull my hair out. I have written so many posts on here that I am sure you can see my rollercoaster life. My ADHD husband and I are finally at the stand still of it all. He is diagnosed, and going through treatment. He has yet to see a counselor but they have now moved up his dosage for meds twice. During our 3 years almost of marriage it has been hell. I am a Christian and really trying to do this God's way. We finally got into counseling and he admitted he hasnt forgiven me for the past, has a huge chip on his shoulder with me. He says he thinks I am mean to him all the time. Mean to him is any time I point out anything that he will take negative. This is due to 2 years of me asking for, pointing out errors, yelling, nagging etc when I had enough. I have worked hard to stop and change my behavior for the last year. The last few months being the best. My DH husband will say in the same breath that he doesnt think he loves me and then 2 hours later say he does love me he thinks he is just angry. I have lost the ability to stand credible to any of his bad behavior because mine has been louder and worse in the past. Now he has a get out of jail free card raising his voice to me and causing fights, then saying he isnt doing that. He in the last week and with counseling has told me he has mental issues, there is something wrong and he is sorry and wouldnt blame me for leaving. The next day I am the worst person in the world and he is the best person in the world and has never endured this from any women but me. He and I were both told we are in competitive mode in our marriage. We were told by counseling that we do not have intimacy although my husband feels like he does.
Here is my honest question on ADHD that I cannot find in any books or maybe I am not looking up the correct information. My husband has told me he has never felt so disrespected by how I view him and that he has endured 2 years of abuse from me. Now He has kicked down door, got in my face screaming and has called me several names, said horrible things and then tries and deny them. I have been accountable for my end with action steps on changing my behavior. When trying to lock him down even in counseling he cannot take accountability for his behavior. He literally will deny it happening. I have cornered him on it and said " You said to me that you would be happy to not hear my feelings for up to a year. Do you see that hurts me and do you see you denying it?". He said he doesnt think he said that but thats not what he means. Either way he said it! Please explain this type of behavior and what it is? Its the one thing that makes me want to leave my marriage. His complete lack of hearing himself and what he says to me and does. Yesterday he was so in love with me and we were fine until night time. He has the worst hygene and didnt brush his teeth again before bed. I had to ask for a good night kiss (literally I have to ask for him to even see me.... babe can I have a hug, a kiss? anything?) he leaned over to kiss me and I said "phew never mind, your breath is bad sorry i cant kiss you". That was all I said. I woke up this moring to him starting a fight by saying "You were mean to me last night, I am over you being so mean to me and I am one foot out the door of this marriage." When I tried talking to him he literally plugged his fingers to his ears and said leave, your starting a fight. Its like the gaslighting he does to me when I try and point out how he has hurt me is tiring. Is this normal with ADHD? He literally refuses any accountability over what he says and how it hurts me. Even if I say it hurts me he wont acknowledge it. I feel like he hates me deep down and is so angry that I am not seeing the light. His viewpoint of me is so negative and he has turned me into the enemy even though he is a Christian and knows i am not. He said I had done and said too much to forigve. Maybe I really have? He makes me sound like I am the only woman who has done this to him but he has been married 2 other times and they left due to his drug use and abuse. He supposedly is only violent with his temper while on drugs. He doesnt want to look at his anger. I feel so stuck. I am trying to do this Gods way but how do I do that when he is mood swinging every day and hurts me, starts fights, ignores me for the most part. The most frusturating part is they forget what they agree to! He can be so remorsful for his actions of hurting me one day and then the next day he is doing it again. Do I just live with that forever? How do I live with the Gaslighting he doesnt see he does, the words and abuse that he doesnt think is abuse? He literally thinks I am the one now abusing him when I point anything out at all. I cannot point anything negative out at all ever. His breath, if he offends me, anything. I am at a loss.