Still trying to understand my now ex's 'ways' so I hope you don't mind another question.
It always seemed to me that my ex never had an original thought of his own, he always seemed to be heavily influenced by others, or whatever bandwagon was passing at the time he could jump aboard onto.
Everything from small trivial everyday stuff right up to big stuff like wanting to emigrate because a work mate moved.
He would often throw his hat into the 'wrong' ring and end up soaking up whatever someone else said and if that someone wasn't the most balanced of people then he'd end up being led down a bad path. As an example - he gave up a good job because of this very situation. He soaked up everything that a particular (very negative) work mate said and jumped onboard his complaining bandwagon with little thought
He wasn't happy with his job to start with but to be fair, he's been like this about every job he's ever had. However, he just emotionally reacted to the work mate's complaining and before we knew it, he had built up an emotional picture in his head about how awful his job and his employer really were and he quit. He very much regretted it as soon as he had done it and tried to get his job back but it was too late. He admitted he had been foolish and he shouldn't have got so caught up with other people's thoughts but he hasn't learned from it and continues to do the same thing.
I've just recently become aware of just how influenced he has been by a work mate about our relationship / breakup. He has been coming out with stuff (about me / money / what should happen now etc) that I know he would never have come up with on his own and tbh I think this person has swayed him more than he knows. The work mate doesn't know anything about me or our family or our finances yet that hasn't stopped him from voicing his opinion about what my ex should do.
I can't help but feel if he had got into conversation with a more balanced person then perhaps he would have been influenced lin a less negative way and we could have worked through some of our issues.
I realise it's all water under the bridge now but my non ADHD logical mind needs to go through a process of understanding before I am able to deal with it and move on.
So, does any one recognise this tendency in themselves or their spouse? If so, were you / they able to recognise this was a 'thing' and could you / did you change it?
Once you were influenced / convinced of something, were you able to do a 'U-turn' and be able to change your thoughts or were they too fixed by then?
I would still even now, love for him to agree to see a counsellor with me but he wont as he says he doesn't love me so there is no point. I believe love is a fluid emotion, it can ebb and flow like the tide and in long term relationships it can feel as if it's gone even although it may just be overwhelmed by life's crappy times.
On the other hand, he believes you shouldn't have to work hard at relationships, if you need to work hard then they aren't right to start with. He just wants the fun happy stuff.
Anyway, back to the question..........
ADHD and not easily influenced...at all
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I am ADHD and am not easily influenced. I need to respect the person or their knowledge base, have a knowledge of my own on said topic and then I weigh and deliberate until I reach a verdict. I have always, since I was a little girl, marched to the beat of my own drummer. I was never "mean girl" and never took part in "pack" behavior. I never respected people who are jerks because other people are and are too weak to do otherwise-and I still don't.
If anything, I'm stubborn, and yes, sometimes, to a fault. However, on the flip side, I have always been impervious to peer pressure. I think for myself. I consciously strayed off the beaten path for my ADHD treatment, and 2 1/2 years out, I am proud of the progress I have made. All the things I do; seeing a Naturopathic Doctor to treat my ADHD and ALSO taking medication for it at the same time. Both have helped tremendously, and yet, I don't know a single soul who does it like me. I don't eat gluten, I don't eat sugar cane, and I haven't the former in 2 1/2 years and the latter in two. Usually, people pick one side of the fence or the other (natural alternatives vs. traditional medicine). I did go med free for a while, but realized while I felt better in my head than I did before Naturopathic treatment, I was still behind the 8 ball with time management. But I made the call. No one else. I have done it my way, and not flawlessly. Still, I'm owning my diagnosis and am proud of myself.
My husband would say I'm stubborn (we both are) and he's right. It's not all good, and probably my worst flaw. At work, I manage that very well. Work isn't as personal, and it's a lot easier. I state my opinion, but am good at collaborating.
Maybe that's how his impulsivity manifests itself? Maybe that's "novelty" for him? I have no idea. For me, it could not be a more different experience.
GailT, recognized in spouse
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Something that I recognized in my ADHD spouse was that he was swayed by people that weren't so ethical, and then almost rebel against others where it seemed like he had to "conform" to their standards, where it even hindered him in business. The latest one was where he got involved with a guy who was in the "movie" and commercial business. The "movie guy" HAD actually done some things that had been on television and such. My husband was asked to do the music for this guy's newest movie, (independent movie) and things kept going wrong, which to me were red flags, and I was questioning some of the guys actions and motives. My husband had a legal and binding contract with the man and it was all legal, but there were delays on top of delays and something didn't "feel right". My husband spent several thousand dollars on computer equipment, music, movie music and sound tracks, to learn how to do this, and he got very good at it, and did ALL THE MUSIC to this movie. BUT. a 1 to 2 year project ended up taking 10 years and we STILL haven't been paid yet. 20 thousand dollars for this job. My husband literally spent every waking hour that he wasn't at his regular job, doing this movie music that was supposed to "pan out" and get him MORE work, and make him famous.
The guy who started the movie was actually a crook, who took money from people for "investment" in his movies. He was living on their money and NOT finishing or completing the movies. He was only pretending to do it. The guy would go on location, shoot some scenes, and do some writing, but NEVER finish the films.. Someone else actually bought this particular unfinished movie project and finished it with my husband. But, the original guy got arrested and has spent time in jail on other charges as well as fraud. All the actors in the movie had legal contracts also, and still haven't got paid yet either. BUT for US....10 years of our lives and thousands of dollars were spent. and NEVER RECOVERED.
After the first year I tried to tell my husband I thought something was wrong. I didn't yell at him or anything, I just had a gut feeling that something wasn't right and was trying to get my husband to check into it, but my husband blew up at me. He yelled at me and said. "You don't know ANYTHING ABOUT THIS"..."YOU'VE NEVER MET THIS GUY"...."YOU DON'T HAVE ANY RIGHT TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT". So, I stopped saying anything else, and this is how it turned out. Ten years got wasted, tons of money that we could have saved or even spent on ourselves....gone on vacation or something....but he was hell bent on doing this his own way. A few months ago, I overheard my husband telling a friend of his "How he knew the movie guy was a crook all along".....WHAT? NO......that was me that said the guy was a crook. My husband actually had changed the story around TO WHERE HE ACTUALLY BELIEVED ....that HE was the one who knew the man was crooked and told everyone else how crooked he was. It really blew my mind.