Hi all,
I was wondering if I am overreacting or has anyone else encountered similar problem. Namely, it seems to me that my boyfriend is constantly acting as if being in the relationship with me would be a favor from his side. He tells me that we are mostly talking about my topics which are not super interesting for him, he has full right to consider talking to me a favor that he is doing me. I have occasionally tried to make him talk about his issues and topics as well, but he just tells me that I overreact (by overreacting he refers to me getting upset when he tells me about things such as- I do not have any money to pay rent or I am not sure if I have work next month). Hence he has decided that he cannot talk to me about his troubles so communication is a favor for me. Oh, and he thinks that I am not knowledgable enough to talk about politics, so discussing these interest with me is also pointless.
He also lets me know about his frequent annoyances at home and tells me how difficult it is to manage with me. Yesterday he mentioned how my habit of leaving the dirty cups (for one day) on the table is something which he has great deal of difficulty accepting but he has finally made his peace with it and he loves me despite this. I am not going to tell you that often times his love declarations are formed in the similar manner- I love you despite...... (fill the gap).
Whenever I go somewhere with him, he later tells me how he was unable to enjoy the experience, because I did something wrong. I either was too much in my own thoughts, I did not like the same things he did, I rushed off etc etc. He later complains about my behavior and tells me that I cannot do things together with other people.
Finally, he is very caring and giving me frequent massages for instance. I always thank him and he likes doing things for me, so he usually does not make a big deal about this. However, whenever we fight, he mentions how he is doing so much more in the relationship than me and how I am very self-absorbed. I feel that I cannot even challenge this because he is in fact doing more things. However, I also feel less and less excited about accepting any of his good deeds, because I feel that he is holding those against me.
I have tried to discuss this with him, but he has the opinion that it is only normal that he considers things that he does not like, but still does as favors for me. He tells me that I have issues with feeling that I owe to someone. I however feel that, his constant comments on how annoying I am and how much he does for me make it very difficult for me to sustain a normal powerbalance in the relationship.
Thanks in advance!
waldewin
What would you recommend?
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
First, Waldewin, reread what you wrote, replacing your name with that of a girlfriend or sister. As if she, not you, were being treated this way. What do you notice about how she's being treated by her boyfriend, once your own affection for the boy is not in the picture?
Then, reverse the gender identity. Reread what you wrote, changing "my boyfriend" to "his girlfriend," and replacing your name in every spot with the name of a brother or male buddy that you care about. Now you don't have to think about what some in society say that girls and women ought to accept. Would you want your brother to be treated this way?
Third, go back to what you wrote, as it is, and ask yourself two questions. Do you want to have this that your boyfriend is doing to you done to you by him for years? You know yourself; what will years of his criticism of you do to you?
What is a Martyr? Good Question?
Submitted by kellyj on
A Martyr...is the supreme Victim? You can't be more of a Victim...than a Martyr...putting it that way? And that is not a judgment or a criticism...unless you are one and you don't like the sound of it? I run into this all the time with my wife and she thinks I'm judging or criticizing...when I'm just speaking the truth or accessing the situation..and saying what it is?
What it is? Not a criticism? Or a judgment? But just because you don't like the sound of it...doesn't mean it's not true? And just because you may not like this "description"...doesn't mean it isn't true either? It's all in how you see it....whether is "becomes" one thing or another? I was a victim for sure..and sometimes I still act this way or have moments of weakness? If you were to tell me this...I wouldn't get upset or angry....say you are judging me or even say that it's not true ( or even say it's a critics?)
There is a difference...between constructive "criticism" for your benefit to here? For you to hear so you can know what you are doing wrong and then do something about it? That's not a criticism...that's a "critique". That's completely different than a criticism since it's not designed to hurt your feelings or be used against you...it's only design is to show you what your doing wrong or how you can do something better than you are already doing it...so you can improve?
So in respect to someone who doesn't want to improve themselves.....thinks...they have already "arrived"....and feels they have no room for improvement...then they won't like the sound of a critique for their benefit...since they feel....I don't need to improve.....I've already arrived at the station and the train goes no further from here?
Or...I don;t want to improve....it's tool hard? Either way...it all speaks to the same thing?
So my only question for you Waldewin? Is he doing more for you...than you do for him? The truth? Are you doing equally...the same kinds of things that he wants you to do for him...without questioning this and just doing it? That is...if he is doing this for you...without questioning..and just doing it with no complaints?
And just to put this into perspective? The difference between my wife and I and this is really where it shows "immensely" different? She..is a "complainer"..and I am not. Literally. I almost never...complain about anything.....and in comparison...she complains ALL the time and it's almost a compulsion it's so bad? To the point....I might have a splitting head ache..my arms hurt, my legs hurt...I'm tired and completely beat? Do I say word ONE when this happens? Not a single word...NOT word ONE....does my wife....EVER hear about my aches and pains. I keep that...soly to myself. I am stoic....when it comes to pain? But when I hear my wife complain constantly about every small pain and ache in her body..and I'm siting there getting really tired of hearing here "express" all her pains and aches and discomforts.....I really have very little compassion for her...because I feel the same way...but I DON"T share it with her? In fact...I don't share it with anyone normally...unless I have a reason to do this? And one of the reasons I have in doing this...is because my wife is martyr in that respect...because she is always sharing this with everyone one...and is almost making it a competition. Actually ..not almost. It is a competition for her?
In respect to this "thing" she does. If you feel bad....she feels worse? If you got and ache and pain....she has 10 aches and pains to trump you? Why? Because she's a victim with victim mentality and that's what victims do? They complain? Woe is me? No one has it worse than me. No one has more pain than me? This is so...she can illicit sympathy...because this is what she is fishing for? A victims problems are always worse than everyone else? No matter how bad yours is...their is worse? They don't feel sorry for you...they feel sorry for themselves and so....if you want a victim to feel sorry for you...you are barking up the wrong tree? They need the sympathy not you because they are always worse off than you..in everything? If that wasn't true...then they would get no sympathy would they? And sympathy....is the "food"....that a victim needs to survive and live on especially when you're on the "dole"..and you don't want to give up your entitlements?
As define...a martyr :a person who is killed because of their religious or other beliefs.
Putting that into perspective here....if you are criticized or put down for what you believe...then you could say...that you are being killed for what you believe or being punished for it..or for being that way? That's an easy way to look at having ADHD...since this what is true more often than not before you are diagnosed and even after the fact? ADHD does make you an easy target for criticism but...you can have it...and not be a victim too?
And in respect to my wife now and a similar things you mentioned? She will talk about ...."her nails"....or....her clothing...or anything of this nature...and I have absolutely NO interest in the topic...as a topic for discussion? In fact...the other day.....she talked...l.intermittently about her nails and the colors and do I like it...doesn't look great...which decal or embellishment do I like...blah blah blah...This topic...the topic of the day as it were...went on the entire time she was doing her nails off an on...for almost two hours? As if....I was interested? Asking me what I like...which I don't care? Nails and nail colors or even noticing women nails....is like almost not on the radar for me? Nails do nothing for me in terms of what "attracts me to women". Nails...aren't for me....nails...are for her? She's not doing it for me...and I'm not interested in the tiniest tiny bit? But I "show" interest...as a form of respecting what is interesting for her? That doesn't mean I'm interested in nails because I'm not? Not in the slightest and she is not doing it for me...because Nails are not my thing? If I had my choice....I'd go with no Nail color....no decals and embellishments..nothing but maybe clear coat to protect them but I have no interest in nails or think that they are "sexy"......"attractive" or anything that registers anything in what makes any difference what so ever as far as something that "appeals to me what so ever? Nails....are my wife's ....thing...not mine. Ands so to spend more the 30 seconds talking about Nails...is already about 20 seconds too long!! LOL Nails do NOTHING...for me. But they do for her so I show interest in what she's interested in....even if I'm not...but I expect the same from her in return? Does that happen? NO. And I resent her for that? She is not giving me the same courtesy in exchange which is a form of disrespect.
This just happened this morning in fact? I showed her a 5 minute video of something I was working on...and she said " how much longer is this....I don't really feel like watching something I'm not interested in?"
So in respect to me....I sat...and heard my wife talk about her nails for over two hours and she was involving me in something I have NO interest in what so ever? I told you...I'd rather see nothing...instead of what she does so she's not doing it for me? She doing it for herself and she is interested in it....but in return in the exact same thing...she can't even give me 3 minutes...before she complain about how long it is..and telling me she's not interested? I find this boorish behvior at best...and discoutesy to me because in the same situation....I do it...without questioning it and I don't complain even if I have no interest or even when it's boring to me? Why? Because I want the same in return...but she is not willing to give that to me and whether I say it or not....I resent this fact?
But ...I also don't complain about it and let it go because this is petty shit...and not worth complaining about? And I forget it just as fast because it's not important? It's not a competition...and I really don't care? I don'[t care about Nails, I don't care about her pettiness...and I don't care that she is not interested in what I'm interested in?
What I do care about is complaining.... because I don't complain and complaining is negative and no one wants to hear it? I don't want to hear it...you don't want to hear...and neither does she with me. But I'm stoic..and don't complain...and she is as far from stoic...as person can possibly get because she's a victim and she needs sympathy...and I don't. That's the difference....BUT
My # 1..and only real complaint about my wife? Is that she complains in the first place...and can't keep her mouth shut. Stop Complaining..is the only request I have made from her NOT to do...and she can't do it..and she has to share it with me which I don't want to hear? She could tell me she is unhappy about something....but what she does is complain instead....which is just her fishing for sympathy...like everything else she does in the same way? When you a victim ( or martyr )....sympathy is the food you live on and you need it..to stay that way? When you're not a victim....sympathy becomes annoying...( as it should be ) unless you just got hit by a car and are in the Hospital? That would be..and appropriate time to need a little sympathy...but not on a daily basis...all the time...everyone you go which would my wife....the complainer. In this case....I am giving her something she is not willing to give, because I rarely complain and am stoic when it comes to pain and discomfort since.....no one likes a complainer...and so therefore...I don't? For that reason only? It's not for me...it's for everyone else as the reason why? This may sound like I'm complaining...but I'm actually venting a little here. But what I am describing is what is happening "LIVE"...person with my wife and I as a means to show a comparison or to see where you fit into this...as a means to do so? You may not like the sound of it.....but the only value this would serve is that if it is....then it shows you where you can improve or shows you where you and your husband fit into this by making this comparison? Otherwise....I wouldn't have a reason to say it which is directly to the point? Unless I have a reason...or it has a purpose or some value to anyone else....you won't hear a word from me and that is precisely the point?
As my mother always told me ( taught me like...starting at 5 years old ) Manners are not for you....manners are for everyone else? If it has no value to anyone else but you...then why say anything?
J
Thank you Jamieson,
Submitted by waldewin on
Thank you Jamieson,
I think there is something in your response and I am afraid that I sometimes also act like your wife- expect my boyfriend to be interested in something and on the other hand unwilling to give it back to him. I also think that I am the one who has problems more frequently and asks for his advice and comfort. So from your description I can totally see why my boyfriend would be upset. I have no idea why I act so selfishly, but I will explore this further.
Now about his criticism and complaining. It is funny because I started paying attention to it and could count the times when he was complaining about my behavior close to twenty times a day. It surprised me as well that it was so much. Before I was reacting to these complaints by trying to change every single thing about me that annoyed him. Now I just usually making fun of him. He does not like either of my reactions. From his side I can see a clear wish to hold someone else responsible for his mood fluctuations and his wellbeing.
So it is a funny combination- I would say that he likes to find fault in someone else, but not himself (he is also really bad at accepting criticism). I am prone to blaming myself for all the things that go wrong which is the reason why it has taken me so long to even notice that my boyfriends behavior might be inappropriate.
On the other hand, I have always been a more needy (selfish) side in the relationship. I think those two go together- I am always the victim and the one with problems in need of help. Hence I need support and I need someone who will tell me what I am doing wrong and guide me. He is the strong and independent one- who is not comfortable with accepting that something might be wrong with him and who is keeping a company of rather dependent and helpless women. To be short I guess- I need support and he needs control.
I guess the problem is that I am now trying to change the dynamic by becoming more independent which might inspire my boyfriend to become even more critical as he is trying to hold on to the feeling of control he once had.
Hi Waldewin
Submitted by c ur self on
Reading this post of your's gave me a couple of thoughts...What you said here about yourself is good stuff, (awareness) now, just manage your life with these realities and tendencies in mind:)
One other thing that reading this post brought to mind is the term "Controversy"....I think in your relationship, just like mine and most on this site I would venture to guess...We fall into an illusion of sorts when it comes to having the ability to communicate with our boy/girl friends or spouses....Any time the majority of your attempts turn "Controversial" it should be tell us something....
I can't tell you how many day's I've spent hours at peace and content...Happy! and Thankful!...Thankful for a right mind, a job, and so many blessings!....And with in 30 seconds of this other person's appearing in my life....All the peace, all the Joy, all the contentment and thankfulness goes strait to hell??? So isn't it an illusion to think there is an ability to have a relaxed, peaceful and contented exchange with this person???
The problem as I see it can only be solved by asking this question for starters..."What is happening in this exchange to make it go so sour so quickly"....I see it this away....When a person approaches their spouse or friend they want one thing...For you to make my life even better by your presents....Isn't that what everyone wants?? Isn't that why we have a spouse and start relationships in the first place?? Isn't that why men and women will marry over and over looking to fulfill this need?? I say YES....So if more times than not I dread to see the person I love or Vowed to Love approaching, or 1 minute after I or they approached, we wish we were in another city, or Country :(((, then that's a problem, a big one!..LOL...**there is a reason for this**??
It's simple to me....If my mind is saying Love, Serve, and Respect and your mind is saying Love, Serve and Respect...We will get in each others way, caring, loving and serving....All good stuff!....But, if my mind is saying I've got to use this person (victim) to make my life complete, and your mind is saying I've got to use this person (victim) to make my life complete then all manner of dysfunction (manipulation, control, anger, and on and on) will follow....What is happening with victims is they must have you perform for them, you must be life for them!...You must give up your life because they are only able to recognize one person's desires....There on!...There is no ability for Acceptance of others with victims....I've been one.....
What happen's to a victim or user of others over the long haul....They drive others away...There children will move to other cites or states, they will go through several marriages and relationships....If you doubt what I'm saying, just look around....
The answer I've found for myself is to find my contented place, to be thankful and whole, alone:)...And recognise my tendencies, and those of my partner...And just avoid wishing or fooling myself inot thinking the limitations aren't there....Wisdom!....Victims or Professionals, they are constant....So lets be thankful and content and associate ourselves with thankful and content people!
So for me....I just can't continue to fall into the same old illusion again and again that another human no matter their God given attributes can fill me, and make my life complete...It's a work that I've come to know that Only my Lord can do.....
Blessings
C
C....I Applaud You....For Doing the Work. It is Hard BUT
Submitted by kellyj on
I see the silver lining her for you and you are experiencing the positive from this negative situation? Chronologically speaking:
The illusion. "This is Not my Beautiful Wife? This is Not my Beautiful Car? This is NOT my Beautiful House? This is not my Beautiful Life????? The illusion of perfection...and thinking "it should be" but it's not? This is not a marriage!!! Who says? Oops?? I guess that would be me?? LOL Accepting what is.....but now what?? Turkey's Butt? I have no idea...and that is so true? What do I want then...if it's not perfect...as it should be? Less than ideal is a better way to see it I think? That is a more realistic way to approach this...and it is reality no less?
And a victim....by definition....needs to be rescued? Am I just a rescuer? Is that my lot in life with this person? And if I don't....they will be unhappy and angry all the time? What choice that give you? It's not my choice or does anything for me? All that does is take away from my life and makes me miserable? Oops? Again? Who says I have to do this? I didn't sign up for that after all and it certainly wasn't by my choosing?
The problem here for many and I am no different? The path of least resistance...and taking the easy path stepping right into a co-dependent relationship and completely losing yourself when you do? And if it serves you in some way...to become that or fill that role....then there you are ....STUCK.....with no way out? And you hate yourself for doing it...but you can't stop it? Wait? Oops? That was me.....volunteering for the job even if I didn't want to do it....against my will or what I wanted it to be.....but now just allowing it to happen? And who did that? Me again? That's all on me? No one put a gun to my head and made me do it? I just didn't speak up or say anything...because of being afraid of what might happen?
This is where I am too many times and why I get so angry with my wife with the ....."I'm leaving......Bullshit ?" If you stop and think about it.....it can make you angry since...it is a ploy...in other words....out of desperation ( the drowning victim ) who will do anything to keep you from leaving or keep you right where they need you to be....in that rescuing mode....but using you as a floatation devise...and using your own fear or being afraid of what might happen.....since...they are planting that seed in your head....every time they do this? More like.....and idle threat saying "you'll be sorry."
This is where at least for me....I've got to reach down ( dig down deep ) and flip that switch and pull it all together which is really really hard to do....and it takes a fair amount of strength and courage to confront this properly and not succumb yourself? I think to the level of desperation they feel..and to the depths this fear of being abandoned goes ( as the victim in this case ) will be the amount of resistance and force they impose on you...to keep you right where they need you to be? I say need....even though...it really is just a want on their part since..it frightens them to if you are moving away from them ( or retreating from them ) which only causes them to pull you in harder.....just to push you back away once they do? A victim in every case.....needs to be rescued? And if your a victim yourself......that doesn't work does it?
And in turning to God or who ever you need to help you do this ( as you have done yourself )...it really doesn't matter HOW......only that you do it? What ever floats your boat as they say....but as you have seen me in my writings....I default many times to the same place you have to find the answers for myself so I can know the right thing to do when I really don't know...which is more often the case?
But in a simple way of taking the word and applying it ( which I do do lol )....Thankfulness and Forgiveness....always seems to work? Funny how that works C? I think you are on to something!! ( facetiously said but you get my point I think? lol What ever works to get you there...is the most important point to make here?
J
PS You can...get there from here....but you've got to do that one alone. As in the song "Ripple" ( Garcia / Hunter ...Hunters words ) "there is no simple Highway. If you choose to go there...that path is for your steps alone."
Thank You As Well ....Waldwin
Submitted by kellyj on
Your feedback is helpful too. What you just described is what I have done too and I think it points right to the dynamic that you mentioned which is really the source of the problem you and I are both experiencing ...me too. It's funny, I had done the same thing at one time and counted the number of times I heard some negative comment of complaint lodge my way, or from the sound of it....something I've done myself that I am working hard not to do anymore and that is voice something that I don't like ( in the negative ).....but not directed at my wife example, but more as a means to process it verbally out loud as a means to figure out a situation that was troubling me? More like...having yet to form a conclusion...but at the same time vent my frustration which....is what I do here more often than not? And I realized this was more from just needing an outlet or sounding board to see things more clearly...so I can find a place to put that negativity and resolve it better which.....may not be criticism as sits....as just being negative but actually processing it....out loud? This is definitely a habit or left over from the past for me which was part of that my past pattern or remnant of that same victim thing when I wasn't resolving anything....but just complaining about it ( or my life in general ) in a negative way? I can put this another way possibly? Grouching ! LOL
It was almost like......I needed to Grouch....just to get rid of it....but I was not in a bad mood per se...but really wanting to resolve it right then so I did carry it over until another time so I could feel better right then and move on? And really now when I think about it....I do the same thing now for the same reason...but it's more as a response to that dynamic....than it is anything else? It is a form of venting.....but now as I see myself in it.....I can fall back on what I learned in Melissa's class : Symptom, Response, Response. And my part in this...is the first reaction to the symptom.....where I will be going along and feel just fine, not be in a bad mood and feel pretty good in general. ( not be grouchy or negative ) and then ( in my past as the pattern ).....someone will come along whether it was one of my parents ( but especially my father...he was Kill Joy for sure sometimes!!! LOL )......or even now with my wife ( the complainer ) or anyone else for that matter..and comes along and "poops" on you head? LOL Putting it that way? LOL
In fact....I think this is where everyone is different? I had a bad situation at home...and I was trying my best to be happy and positive which always felt better any time I did that even by the way it felt and not having any idea what I was actually doing? It was a variation I think....or taking on the counter part of my father....from my mother....which for her , was to literally "Put a Bow on it...and call it Good" which was going to the extreme...in denial of this bad situation.....and pretending it didn't exit, but at the same time....it was what kept my father happy or from getting angry all the time...because everyone ( including me ) was walking on eggs shells all the time...as long as he was in the room and demanding "peace and quiet" at all costs? He wanted NO Problems, NO issues, and No back talking....from the moment he walked in the door which makes it pretty hard ...to actually LIVE!!! LOL Honestly, if you are not a robot or a bunny rabbit ( or Guinea Pig LOL ) who just in their cage ( or in one place and doesn't move )....doesn't make a sound...and just twitches your nose and stares blankly into space.....there would be a problem. Namely....instantaneous Rage!! My mother would always make excuses for him ( by putting a bow on it ) and say....."Your father has a short temper....we don't want to upset him "...as her answer for everything?
"Who this we....MOM?" That WE thing again.....I got so tired of that!!! lol So in essence....you've got this "Stepford Wives" scenario, where the man has got it set up exactly as he wants it and everyone is to play there part or role to the letter.....or there will be a problem? If the King says jump....you jump. If the King says speak....you speak. And if the King says NO Talking....then theres no talking....and everyone obeyed.....or else? And in my mothers case.....she obeyed blindly and everyone followed. Well everyone except me?? LOL That was the problem!!! LOL I was the scapegoat....since I was really in opposition to playing this role I had found myself in? My older sisters mainly....played their part as they were instructed by my mother which would make sense for a girl perhaps ( both of them ) especially since they were not "highly active " or hyperactive.....like me? I was the one bouncing off the walls..and this one DID NOT....fit the program as prescribed....when you that me into this picture? I guess you might say.....I split the difference between my mothers example and my fathers example....but mainly I was a very sunny and bright kid who was mostly in a good mood and positive ( kind of a Pollyana )....which also pissed my father off ( many times ) when he wanted to be a bad mood and I was spoiling this for him!! LOL This may sound ridiculous....but it really was very much like it was at times. When you've got someone who REQUIRES.......you to cater to their moods at all times......even being in a good mood is not what they want....when they want to be negative...and you are spoiling their mood....so to speak??? LOL
So if you can picture this picture....you've got MOM: the Stepford Wife ( who obeyed blindly with anything she was told to do like a Robot ). My older two sisters who were in Stepford Wife training camp...and everything was groovy with this situation...until I came along later? And even though my mother never ever said anything...and to the contrary...did her usual and put a Bow on It....I was an accident.....but no one would cop to it? And as far an my father was concerned....and accident from Hell.....or .......spawn of the Devil any way you want to put this in a humorous context!! LOL I really mean that seriously.....I can totally see the humor in this looking back because it really is that ridiculous and I do think it's pretty funny as a character study and not anything that hurts me anymore or makes me feel sad ? Mainly.....it was this dynamics fault...if you want to put this into context which is what you are pointing to as well....very astutely I might add?
But the end result is what is more important to NOW for me..and with those remnants or bits and pieces of this lingering over....I can actually see this response I have to my wife coming out ( or did at first ) ...in exactly the same way as it did in my past but now for a different reason but for the same goal you might say? Dealing with...someone who reacts instantly with anger...with kind of expectation....that everyone just do what ever it takes....to make it all go away? This is actually....as I have begun to really see clearly.....what my wife is doing as well? Make it all go away so I don't have to see it or deal with it anymore?
And if I am correct in ( what was never told me...but now giving my past a little closer detective work and using all the evidence I have to work with )...if your father has this proclivity already....and you were an accidental child with ADHD?....Well? "Make it go away!!!! " Would be the first response wouldn't it? Actually...first, second, third, fourth, fifth.....to infinity?? LOL And your mother...would put a bow on it...and make me a WE....wouldn't she ? As a means to protect me but done in a way that was not good for anyone? It wasn't;t her who didn't want me..or want me around? I was not a burden to my mother ever and it showed without me ever questioning that? I was always welcome in my mothers eyes....it was the "OTHER ONE"...who didn't welcome me...in my own home no less? If you put it that way?
And to make sure here with you Waldewin.....none of this for me is dredging up and rehashing the past or revisiting horrible memories? I'm just painting the picture of the dynamic so you can see it better and so I can put myself back into the picture..and show you where these things come from? It is the beauty of going to therapy..since all this "crap"...gets resolved and put to rest? The only relevance or use it has...is to serve what you are doing wrong NOW? And exactly to the point? My response....to the symptom of...complaining and negativity ( or instant hostility ) is remarkably similer today....as it was back then...and part of this....is verbally processing it back out...so I can return to being ( for the most part ) a sunny person in a good mood more often than not? I have my moments or even when I have gotten depressed ( situational depression )...but I have always managed to snap myself back out of it...and get on to being myself more than not? Myself as I see myself....is more or less...and plosive person who just can't stand to be around a negative person for too long? And very much in response to someone like my father...who instantly reacts hostilely to get you to comply? I didn't comply back then....and to a certain degree....am not about to now but the difference is......I'm not doing it in a passive aggressive way anymore...and saying so up front...out loud right to the horses face?lOL That is a challenge...with someone who's learned that reacting with anger and becoming irate or hostile to get their way....is never going to work with me....even back then? In reverse now.....there is a cost or price to pay for the person who's the symptom or cause...and that price comes in the form the "response" from you ( or I ) or whom ever is in this second position as the first or even second ( after the fact reaction ie: passive aggression ) in response to this?
And or course.....the third response ( from them now again ) is in response to YOU...that is as the second seat in this chain reaction....and now the 3rd seat see's passive aggression....and saying YOU ARE the problem??
"He's always so passive aggressive!!! I don't know what the problem is with him?" See the problem? And can you see the dynamic? Poeple are funny that way.....we all tend to act and respond to the same thing maybe in different unique ways.....but the patterns are remarkably similar...and the Symptom, Response, Response....or cause and effect.....really tell the tale?
And thanks again for catching this and giving me the feed back....it's only confirmation of validating what I have already come to my own conclusions about? When the pieces all fit together nicely and you can see the picture in it's entirety....it is not so mysterious and not so troubling and you can pin point where ALL the problems are...because in this kind of dynamic....there is more than one person or thing at fault and you are just one of a number of things wrong....which means.....there really is more than ONE.....right thing to do here?
It's why I was laughing at Zapps comment earlier and why that ticked me funny? "What? There is more than ONE right thing to do here??? Well..... that changes everything doesn't it? oops???" LOL
J
Waldewin......Adding One More Thing Here For You?
Submitted by kellyj on
My T's professional and clinical definition for the problems my wife and I find ourselves in? "Competing Sensitivities" . If you put it that way....you can see why, both: It's not a competition ( or shouldn't be )...and .....you have a part to play in this...as much as he does putting it that way? No one person is the problem or at fault in a dynamic...when it takes two to tango ( and throwing attachment theory in here for your part to play? For a start at least? )
J