ADHD Break-ups


However, he seemed to have this 4-month cycle. Every four or five months, there would be something happens in his life that made him really upset. During the past 1.5 years, there had been: he lost his job; his son (from the 1st marriage) was caught to buy drugs; he was on probation on the job; then his son confessed about using drug for 3 years. Every time, he went through these drama, he wanted a break from me. We were actually engaged to be married by the end of October. After he became so upset with trouble at his job and with his son's drug problem, seeing all the negative feelings piling up, I tried to encourage him and gave him some suggestions on how to work on them. But he said he needed compassion instead of suggestions. He basically made the decision to break up with me overnight. He said I put too high of an expectation on him and he couldn't deal with it. I didn't feel I asked him for much, except that he kept seeing me. I was shocked, puzzled and confused. I went to beg him to give me another chance. I went to see counselor myself...Anyway, then thank God that I found about this website. It had been great help to read about similar stories from others.

There are still something puzzled me that I couldn't make myself stop thinking about. I would like to post them here to get insights from ADHDers and their spouses. I think these will help me getting over the breakup more easily.

1. Earlier this year, after we decided we are going to move towards marriage, he went through a vasectomy-reversal surgery at his own expense (even though he was broke himself). He did that because I said I would like to have a child if we get married. At the time, I thought that move showed a lot about his determination and commitment to me. And he also said, back then, it was a logical decision instead of emotional, unlike his previous marriages. I wonder how someone could just over-throw such a decision overnight. 

2. His first marriage lasted 11 years until his first wife was found cheating. Then he started his journey of jumping from marriage to marriage. When I asked about his previous marriages, he only had bad words to say about exes. He also showed a lot of regrets. And he didn't like to talk about them. In fact, for 1.5 years, we dated longer than before either of his two previous marriages. I couldn't understand if it is the ADHD that made him switch women so easily. It was like he was so loving and sweet yesterday, and today he turned into this cold-hearted monster. I always had thought that he had never really recovered from the hurt his first wife did to him, since they were college sweetheart and he loved her deeply. 

3. In my pleading and begging with him to come back, I had promised to take care of him financially: support him if he quits his job (he hated his job but didn't have other choices); pay for his child support, etc. I make enough money for both of us to live a comfortable life. But he said no. It just does not make sense that someone with clear conscious to simply reject this type of offer, does it? Unless he really resent me that much?

4.He likes to exaggerate things. I found he would say things that he didn't really mean but he thinks people would like to hear. I think he does that because he is a natural people-pleaser. For example, when he was breaking up with me, he was angry with me for asking him to keep seeing me hence taking his attentions which he didn't want to put on me. But at the same time he would also say he still love me and still want to work on the relationship. Clearly he didn't but he said that to make me feel better. This makes me wonder if exaggeration is one of the traits of ADHDers.

I guess I should feel fortunate that all the drama with him happened before the wedding. But I was so devastated by the breakups. It made me feel empty. I tried to look forward but I am afraid at the same time no other guy can match up to his sweetness. I am sorry for the long post. Any suggestions or advices are welcome.