However, he seemed to have this 4-month cycle. Every four or five months, there would be something happens in his life that made him really upset. During the past 1.5 years, there had been: he lost his job; his son (from the 1st marriage) was caught to buy drugs; he was on probation on the job; then his son confessed about using drug for 3 years. Every time, he went through these drama, he wanted a break from me. We were actually engaged to be married by the end of October. After he became so upset with trouble at his job and with his son's drug problem, seeing all the negative feelings piling up, I tried to encourage him and gave him some suggestions on how to work on them. But he said he needed compassion instead of suggestions. He basically made the decision to break up with me overnight. He said I put too high of an expectation on him and he couldn't deal with it. I didn't feel I asked him for much, except that he kept seeing me. I was shocked, puzzled and confused. I went to beg him to give me another chance. I went to see counselor myself...Anyway, then thank God that I found about this website. It had been great help to read about similar stories from others.
There are still something puzzled me that I couldn't make myself stop thinking about. I would like to post them here to get insights from ADHDers and their spouses. I think these will help me getting over the breakup more easily.
1. Earlier this year, after we decided we are going to move towards marriage, he went through a vasectomy-reversal surgery at his own expense (even though he was broke himself). He did that because I said I would like to have a child if we get married. At the time, I thought that move showed a lot about his determination and commitment to me. And he also said, back then, it was a logical decision instead of emotional, unlike his previous marriages. I wonder how someone could just over-throw such a decision overnight.
2. His first marriage lasted 11 years until his first wife was found cheating. Then he started his journey of jumping from marriage to marriage. When I asked about his previous marriages, he only had bad words to say about exes. He also showed a lot of regrets. And he didn't like to talk about them. In fact, for 1.5 years, we dated longer than before either of his two previous marriages. I couldn't understand if it is the ADHD that made him switch women so easily. It was like he was so loving and sweet yesterday, and today he turned into this cold-hearted monster. I always had thought that he had never really recovered from the hurt his first wife did to him, since they were college sweetheart and he loved her deeply.
3. In my pleading and begging with him to come back, I had promised to take care of him financially: support him if he quits his job (he hated his job but didn't have other choices); pay for his child support, etc. I make enough money for both of us to live a comfortable life. But he said no. It just does not make sense that someone with clear conscious to simply reject this type of offer, does it? Unless he really resent me that much?
4.He likes to exaggerate things. I found he would say things that he didn't really mean but he thinks people would like to hear. I think he does that because he is a natural people-pleaser. For example, when he was breaking up with me, he was angry with me for asking him to keep seeing me hence taking his attentions which he didn't want to put on me. But at the same time he would also say he still love me and still want to work on the relationship. Clearly he didn't but he said that to make me feel better. This makes me wonder if exaggeration is one of the traits of ADHDers.
I guess I should feel fortunate that all the drama with him happened before the wedding. But I was so devastated by the breakups. It made me feel empty. I tried to look forward but I am afraid at the same time no other guy can match up to his sweetness. I am sorry for the long post. Any suggestions or advices are welcome.
I can answer for 1) : signs
Submitted by copingSAH on
I can answer for 1) : signs of ADHD impulsivity. Sometimes the impulses result in good sometimes bad, and sometimes it's for the wrong reason. For 1) he might have been moved to do the vasectomy reversal because it's something that entered his mind and it stimulated him enough to want to take it on, not really thinking beyond to the nitty gritty of raising a family, just something to please you.
My dh will go on one thing for months if not years and than all of a sudden not have anything to do with it anymore. I notice he would also take on interests of mine but without any real reason to, except that he could use this in all his conversations with others (who think it's so cool but I think it's just an invasion of my private interests). It's like he just takes on whatever is the flavor of the moment, with whomever gives him the most stimulus.
I think three break ups with the same man (is this correct) is like the proverbial "three strikes". If it is, then he doesn't deserve someone who's proved beyond a doubt they are there in the here and now. Marriage and children are not going to change the ADHD ways, in fact it may exacerbate the symptoms...
He may come around again in your life and you'll find that sweetness again. Perhaps not as husband/partner material tho... my dh was at his sweetest when he was my friend. I think the excitement of seeing me as his friend was always a positive experience for him. After marriage, the sweetness was still there but he has these unreasonable expectations of wanting the same reactions as before and sometimes easily disappointed.
Submitted by yplumaa on
Thank you for the reply. But I'd rather believe he broke up with me on impulsivity. Since he had the surgery in Feb, we have been praying together for his sperm to recover and that God would grant us a healthy baby after we get married. He told his family and friend he really loved me and wanted to give me a child as it was one of my biggest wish for life. It is just hard for me to understand how he could change his mind overnight. Maybe he had regretted his decision earlier but didn't show it?
You have a pretty good picture
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Your (now ex?) partner has given you a pretty good picture of what life with him will be like - a lot of ups and downs, his needing to escape when there is stress/trauma, and your feeling miserable. What you probably experienced at first was "hyperfocus courtship" in which the dopamine of infatuation made him particularly attentive.
I think you should look at the recent relationship he has offered you, and decide whether or not that is good enough for you. Love does NOT get you through everything. You do have to be able to work together.
Also, be aware that some men would be really delighted to be supported by a woman...but many would find it embarrassing and debilitating. You'll need to figure out which of those your partner is.
Just found the missing clue -non-adhd partner
Submitted by GabyA on
My boyfriend and I have been together on off for 4 years. The last two where solid until 2 weeks ago. In May he started changing and going to old habits. I brought them to his attention and inquired of any problems going on. His answer, as it is to most of my questions was "I don't know" . That is very frustrating to me. I pride my self in my patience but he has pushed me to the edge. Recently our fights have become more heated, especially on my end. That is very unlike me. I'm the calm one he listens and try's to compromise or pick my battles. My friends husband has been going through a tough time and the other night she explained to me about how people with adhd have these problems. She said depression and anxiety. I remember my boyfriend telling me weeks before he had add but had it under control. I dismissed it. The next day, after speaking with my friend I looked up adult adhd. I also found this website! Blessing! I bought the book "couples guide to thriving with adhd" it was like reading about our relationship. I now understand his way of thinking and behaving better. I see my mistakes and how I can learn to heal our relationship. Last night he broke up with me. Should I bring up this information to him now or give him some space first? I know he struggling and doesn't know what it is but now I know it's his unmanaged adhd. I don't want to disrespect him by telling him this. Please guide me in the best way to find a solution. I love who he is and I know with this new knowledge we can make things work!
Hi,GabyA. I admire your
Submitted by yplumaa on
Hi,GabyA. I admire your strength and courage. I am afraid I don't have any solution for you. It is simple impossible to work out the relationship with someone who shut you out. In my case, he didn't want to talk to me, said he needs time to deal with his own issues. I emailed him, but he replied in a hostile manner. He said he was happy with his singleness and decide to remain single until God direct him otherwise. I guess the time "God direct him otherwise" is when he meets another different woman who can arose his interest and attract his attention. I think you can certainly try to communicate with him. If he is willing to talk to you, maybe there is hope.