ADHD Catch 22


Any advice, thoughts, or comments, whether agreeable or harsh will be GREATLY valued. I am a big boy I can take it!

Here is a snapshot of my life

38 yr old ADHD (take adderrall) Father and Husband (2 kids 2yr,/ 4yr old)

4 yr old was born with Kidney Disease and needs a transplant (devastating, sad, I literally cant look at pictures of him without sobbing, he is my best friend n the world)

Diagnosed with ADHD in early 30's but suffered with inconsistency my whole life / school / work / relationships etc.

High IQ, for whatever that is worth, hasn't helped much until lately

Until three years ago, struggled to hold down a career, made marginal income

3 Years ago found a highly technical career that I love. My ADHD helped me to quickly learn massive amounts of technical info I needed to succeed.

The job enabled my wife to stay home full time with the children.

The job is also overwhelming, intense, and their are difficult quotas that must be met, so I spend a lot of time working . 55 hrs a week average swells to 70+ hrs during a 3 month peak industry period.

Since starting the career, and before as well, I have consistently battled suicidal ideation, contemplated divorce, running away and sleeping on a beach somewhere, you name it.

Our marriage is falling apart, our kids, particularly my sick son needs us more than anything, but all we do is bicker and look at each other with resentment.

Obviously from the above statements, my ADHD brain, in conjunction with a couple of external issues are doing a number on our marriage.


OK. where am I going with this??? 

I fully understand that ADHD makes marriage, at the least, more difficult. I cant help but notice while reading this forum, many non-ADHD spouses are not willing to take responsibility for character flaws they bring to a marriage.

You can probably guess that I have my own thought on the things my wife does that are frustrating things for me.

How do you know when an issue with your marriage is purely the result of your ADHD solely? a combination of your wife's and your own character flaws? or can solely be attributed to your wife's character flaws?

I know for sure a lot of the wife's of ADHDers slandering their husbands on this site would benefit from  cleaning  their own doorstep as well.