This is my first post. My husband has ADHD, its been diagnosed and treated with medication his whole life.
I'm starting to come to the sad realization that I am not capable of dealing with it. I love him very much and he can be a wonderful and kind and fun and attentive and affectionate person. However he is also very often angry at me, annoyed by me, he has a short fuse and he loses his temper multiple times a day. His finances are terrible and he's racked up huge debt from before we were together and I have given him all my savings. I am relatively good with money and have tried for years to step in and help him, but any comment or suggestion I make has been met with angrily and dismissively, all denials and blaming everyone else but him, or blaming me for the way I have tried to talk about it; the wrong tone, the wrong moment, the wrong words etc etc. Only recently he finally handed over his financial admin for me to fix, as it was interfering with my own finances. The task is now made much more difficult than if I had had a say about 2.5 years ago. Before we married I had arranged a pre-nup to protect myself, even getting that done was so terrible. He started huge arguments with me 3 times about it, even at the lawyers office - I understand that a pre-nup is awful and not romantic and it assumes the worst, but its also a very important tool to protect me, his wife, against losing all my belongings and money to debt collectors. I would have thought that someone in such debt would have want their partner protected.
We argue all the time, over the finances, chores, you name it. The fights get worse and worse. I was never a violent person but I find myself reacting worse and worse to his anger - I'm reaching my limit and I have started to lash out, its wrong of course. Its like my tolerance for the annoyance, the anger, the denials, the blame, the sarcasm, is getting less and less. Of course this is only my side to the story and I'm very aware he has his own side of things, and that it takes 2 to tango. I'm also not perfect and have many flaws, I'm sure of that too. And for sure I have contributed to the escalation of arguments very well myself too. I find his communications skills terrible, he cannot admit anything, everything is denials and other peoples fault. Even when its so clear cut, like in traffic when the law says he is in the wrong! He cannot take responsibility for his own behaviors. He in turn thinks that I do and say things wrong, that I repeat myself (which I probably do).
My question, sorry for taking so long to get there :)
I have terminal cancer and have had all the chemo rounds and more to come, its everything its portrayed to be and then some. We are relatively young, and I find myself quite positive all things considered. My issue is that I don't have 40 more years to figure this out, I simply don't have the benefit of time. Also there will come a point when I will not be able to take the burden of doing most of the housework and the organization of most of our life. For my own issues I am seeing a therapist. Since the illness came back and I heard my prognosis the first thing I thought of sitting in the doctors office was that I really had to insist that he see someone too, I had asked this for years, but this was serious now - I knew then that I couldn't take this for the last years of my life. It still hasnt happened. There are always excuses, too busy, etc etc.
I have read a lot on this website already - going to read even more. But one thing I miss. Really practically, how do you get your partner to acknowledge the problem in the first place? and take ownership for their part? And learn to look inwards at themselves and also admit their own faults and stop blaming others?
For me that's the first step - as if he doesn't do that then he'll never seek out therapy, and even if he does, if you go into therapy believing you do not have any problem and its someone elses fault, then you are not really open to it.
If you made it this far, thank you for listening :) I look forward to any insights - I'm really getting desperate.