ADHD & Habitual lying? (UPDATE) see latest post

Hello all.

Well my husband and I had a long talk today, and i feel a little better knowing he left out a few "key" details as to everything that has happened. I believe my husband has ADHD, (He did as a child severely) and i believe he developed lying as a way to avoid "disappointing" others such as his parents etc. He admitted to me tonight that, he lies to me basically after he has done something impulsive with money because he doesn't want to disappoint me. He realizes he needs help for his behavior and is seeking help. He will be scheduling an appointment this week for a full evaluation, hopefully confirming adult adhd & providing him with behavioral counseling/meds to help his behavior. Does anyone elses husband habitually lie to avoid disappointing others?

 

 

UPDATE----

6/11/2014

 

Well it has been a very long time since I have last logged into this website. I've been dealing with personal issues of my own after the birth & post partum period after having my daughter. It seems dealing with all of this and my husband, I developed depression. I now feel MUCH better, now that I am on the correct medication, I am feeling back to my old self. Anyways, my husband has been in individual counseling for a while now,  he was forthcoming about his history & having ADHD as a child. The Navy did not kick him out etc. We have also been in marital counseling for a while. It seems to be helping,  but i have my days where I become extremely frustrated. He has done much better, recently set up his paycheck to go into my checking account. (He mostly has issues with impulses regarding money). He admits his faults etc, I finally put my foot down and told him this is what has to happen, in order to get our finances straight. 

 

I have noticed one thing in particular, my husband seems to hate discussing things especially after one of his impulses. He feels attacked, and he will talk about the situation once and that's it. I feel he has a low self esteem, he says he hates disappointing people. He feels I criticize him a lot and it makes him feel guilty. This drives me crazy, but I am trying to learn. I told him I myself have faults, and I am not perfect, that i want to help etc. I just feel his ADD etc must not be that bad, he can hold down a job, he has been in the navy going on 8 years this Dec. He seems to "lie" to avoid confrontation, and likes to avoid conflict at all cost. 

 

Side note: I myself have a wicked temper, so of course until now, that made things 10x worse. 

 

Thoughts??? Sorry it has taken me so long for an update!!!

I don't know if my husband

I don't know if my husband habitually lies, but he lies much more than I am comfortable with.  

Yes

Yes, my ex habitually lies.  He lies when he thinks he'll disappoint someone.  He lies when he's feeling bad about himself.  He lies about stuff that just doesn't seem to matter at all.  Our very first break up almost 20 years ago was over a lie.  It really hasn't improved at all.  The lies erode trust and add to the chaos.  I know why he does it, and I actually don't fault him for it, but that doesn't make it any easier.  Sometimes I just have to laugh and say, "Well he's creative - I'll give him that!"  :-)

 

 

That's the only time he

That's the only time he really lies, is to avoid disappointing someone. And it's all linked to finances. He has never cheated on me or anything like that. I guess it's good at least he recognizes he has a problem & wants to change. He may end up being disqualified from the navy due to all of this if they determine adhd. He claims at this point he will do what's necessary so he doesn't lose his family. I'm hopeful I guess.

lying and exaggerating

I'm so glad to hear someone else is going through the same thing, even though I wish none of us had to go through this.  I don't know if my husband lies to avoid disappointing someone but he does lie, exaggerate, and has to act like he knows more on whatever subject is being discussed-which means making up things (lying).  I did read in an AD/HD book that since if someone with AD/HD forgets a lot, like my husband, they can't recall the details of something that happened so they "fill in the blanks" by lying or exaggerating.  How do you deal with that?  My kids are now starting to see they cannot believe what their father tells them.  My daughter got a fish tank for her birthday in Oct.  Even though for 5 years I have told her no because they are hard to care for and I will end up being the one to do it.  My husband "forgets" this and tells her yes!  I tell him he is responsible for the fish and showing her how to care for them-she is old enough now to do it  just needs to be taught.  Well, we think her one fish is pregnant and he is telling her all this stuff about fish and laying eggs, etc and when he had a fish tank this is what he did...  he has never owned a fish tank!  Why can't he just say I don't know and look it up on the internet, like everyone else would do?  I can't trust anything he tells me, big or little. 

I agree it can be very

I agree it can be very frustrating. My husband doesn't lie all the time, but when he does it's so outrageous & usually laughable, since it's totally obvious what he's telling is a lie. However I have let my anger go, I realized it wasn't doing me any good letting all of this anger breed into resentment. I consider myself luckily  since my husband can hold down a job and such. Yes he has told some whopper lies to cover up his impulses, as you've already read. I am hopeful since he scheduled an appointment with me present, for a full psych evaluation. I'm positive it will confirm that his childhood adhd is the culprit for his impulses etc. It's tough and I do feel for you especially with children in the mix. That is what I'm afraid of, if his behavior doesn't improve. I certainly don't want my daughter thinking lying is acceptable.

It's so good that you have

It's so good that you have let go of your anger.  I'm not there yet, but i plan on starting therapy by myself to deal with this and the other stress of living with him.  My husband can, fortunately, hold down a job too.  This actually made it difficult to get a diagnosis.  But he was in the military and now is a paid firefighter and the psychiatrist said he did well in the military and at his job now because of the structure, and in my opinion the adrenaline of these jobs.  I don't even think my husband knows he is lying, even when the rest of us do.  Plus, he's been doing it for so long and his mother is the same way, it's probably just a way of life for him.

I am trying, it's a struggle

I am trying, it's a struggle daily trust me. I've been going to individual counseling & currently on medication for my lovely temper -_- I have never met anyone who can make me as angry as my husband does lol. I guess I don't deal with stress well & it's very hard for me, not to become angry with how he reacts sometimes when we attempt at discussing something problematic. I just keep telling myself that I have to focus on the entire picture. We have a child together & frankly since he is still military I feel very fortunate for the  health insurance etc during such tough economic times. 

Pardon me for asking, did

Pardon me for asking, did your husbands add/adhd affect his military career or persuade him to become a firefighter. I ask because my husband will be having an eval on base in jan & apparently disclosed he had childhood add/adhd. I just have no idea what to expect as to how the navy will proceed. I've heard it's disqualifying, I've also heard it depends the sailor. Sorry if I'm asking anything too personal, I just haven't found anyone in a similar situation, such as yourself that can relate to military life & add/adhd hubby. Thanks

Your first reply sounds just

Your first reply sounds just like me, I get so angry at my husband and I'm usually not an angry person.  I am hoping individual counseling can help me as well.  I feel I need help dealing with the stress of my marriage and how to handle how it affects our kids (which my husband does not see his behavior affecting anyone).

My husband wasn't diagnosed with AD/HD until recently so I can't say how the military will respond.  I think he only joined the military because he had to do something and his parents wouldn't help pay for college (which he don't go to anyway).  I hope it won't be disqualifying for your husband.  He became a firefighter after his time in the military so he wasn't diagnosed yet either.  I do think the adrenaline rush from both those jobs was a draw for him.  It's stimulating, just like his smoking.  His psychiatrist said he did well in the military because of the structure.  Same with the fire dept.  It's very military like and very structured.  He is a lieutenant and is responsible for paper work, incident reports and stuff like that, that he has trouble remembering to do.  It's not the fun part of the job so he doesn't want to do it.  The good thing (but bad in a way) is you get promoted base on test scores and not performance or leadership skills so he got promoted to lieutenant easily because he passed the test and it was a year when a lot of people retired and there was a spot.  People think oh he's a lieutenant and he must be great at his job and have these great leadership skills, which is not the case-he passed the test, that is all.  He is good at his job at fighting fires, but frankly it worries my deeply that he is in a postilion that he has to make decisions.  Because at home, he can't make a decision to save his life.

I hope his eval goes well.

Thank you! I am hopeful, I

Thank you! I am hopeful, I guess it's a good thing he atleast recognizes his actions & that they are wrong & trying to do something about it. On the other hand, I don't know how long it will take to get rid of all this anger I'm feeling. Pure resentment. Somedays are better than others, but the temper I have developed scares me. Even little things he does make me angry, I just find him annoying to be around. However I am a woman of faith & really don't want to consider divorce unless all else fails. I'm just extremely frustrated. It's hard being a young mother, trying to figure my own life out , along with dealing with the navy & a husband who clearly has ADD. A lot of the time I just simply feel so alone. I am 12 hrs from my family & even though my husband is on shore duty I just feel completely disconnected from him after everything .hope you have a merry christmas !

You're welcome.  We sound so

You're welcome.  We sound so much alike.  I absolutely can't stand being around my husband, everything he does annoys me.  I know I shouldn't be so hard on him but he doesn't event try.  I am also a woman of Faith and that is the main reason I won't leave him, besides that he is such a bad parent it would be so devastating to the kids.  He says he is a Christian but I don't think so, he is not the spiritual leader of our family.  I feel very alone too.  My friends/family just don't understand, which I can't blame them.  He is very charming in public.  No one sees his anger or experiences his forgetfulness.  It is hard being alone and raising a family without support.  I feel like  a single mother that just happens to have a male tenant that pays rent and cuts the grass!  Not a good way to view my marriage.  I hope you have a Merry Christmas too.  Hang in there.

I will say, my husband

I will say, my husband appears to be trying. I got him one of the love language books & he has been reading it. I just feel I have stressed so much over him & things he has done & trying to keep everything a float that I have lost being able to identify with myself. I feel terrible for how I treat my husband somedays. He is not violent or anything like that, I am the one with the temper. I am just so wounded, dealing with my own past issues from childhood, then marrying my husband whom I thought would never betray me. He's lied to me so much I never know what to believe. Acts childlike at times, completely content hanging out playing Xbox. At one point he had a porn problem, luckily that has stopped now for 3-4 months. So I know he is trying, I just wonder if too much damage has been done to be fixed -_-  he has good in him though, he has always been very supportive.

I feel I have sunk into a

I feel I have sunk into a depression & just find myself moody all the time due to all of my relationship issues with my husband. I try to push myself to be happy but ultimately even that is a struggle. So my doctor has prescribed a mood stabilizer I'm hoping will help.  Along with all of that I found out, while dealing with all of this mind you, my  TSH levels are low, (hyperthyroid). I know the thyroid can mess with  how a person feels as well. Sorry for my rant, it's just nice to talk with someone who can relate to my situation. It's hard to discuss with friends and family, since  they have no idea what living with add spouse is like!!! I am just praying I can find a way to forgive & allow happiness back into my marriage.

I have a thyroid problem

I have a thyroid problem too.  I'm so sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything else.  That is difficult.  My thyroid medication gets adjusted about once a year, it affects everything.  Would your husband go to couples counseling with you?

Yes, we had been going to

Yes, we had been going to marriage counseling before, until his recent most damning act of impulsiveness. The counselor told us it was to be put on hold, until after my husbands psych eval & his individual treatment. So for now I feel in limbo. I won't know anymore about my thyroid for another 3 months. I had two blood test a month apart, which were both indicating hyperthyroid issues, however on the last test my levels had risen a few points. So I guess it all depends if it continues to rise or stays low, as to treatment. It's just frustrating not knowing if it's my thyroid that's making me so tired & moody. Time will tell I suppose.

Resigned2B's picture

Lying ADHD spouses...

Dear Navy Wife,

It makes me so sad to read your posts and the others on this thread. There is NOTHING any of you can do about these problems you face except to protect yourselves to be financially independent of their impulsive or justified spending out of joint funds. If he changes, great! If he doesn't, at least you're not penniless. The lying, in my marriage, six kids, two with ADHD, has not changed in thirty years of trying. To this very morning it continues! Now, it's too late, there is nothing left...

You don't have a way to e-mail message you. Would you mind e-mailing me? I'm interested in knowing how these lies have worked out over the past four months.

Thanks!

Resigned2B sorry i'm just now replying!!!

Hi there Resigned2B,

 

Sure I would love to chat with someone who can relate, it's always good to vent! I am trying to determine how to email you? This site was changed a lot since I last logged in.? I don't mind giving you my personal email address, but I can't seem to determine how to send a private message on this forum>

 

thanks,

 

navy wife

Resigned2B's picture

Hi Navy Wife...

I think you can press on my name and every post I've written comes up. There should be a tab to email me directly. If you use this, you can put in your email in the body of the text. When I get it I will copy and paste it into my address book and send you a reply.  

If this doesn't work please come back! :)

ADD and Military Life

I dont know about Navy, but my husband is air national guard and he said if he is diagnosed with ADD/ADHD he will be separated for sure. He is getting medically separated anyway, for his feet, but it hasnt gone through yet and they may still keep him. But if he does get a diagnosis with this, he says hes out, MEB or not. So please please be prepared with a back up plan for employment right now. My husband was active duty for over two years and we were living on base and his orders were cut without notice (having nothing to do with ADD/ADHD). One day to the next. We lost our insurance, income, house, bills went unpaid , credit scores plummeted, etc. We now live with my brother and have no way of getting a place of our own with all the bills that piled up. I hope the navy is different and doesnt separate him, just please prepare for the worst.
I'm So Exhausted's picture

Never thought about it that way

Navywifeobx,

I found this post very intriguing today.

My spouse - never - never - never ever - will say no.  To me or our children or anyone.  Then he very rarely is able to keep the commitment he said he would do.  I am ashamed to admit, I got to the point where I would ask him to do dumb stuff - because I knew he would not say no - but also knew he would not be able to get the thing done.

The frustrating thing is - he sees his inability to say 'no,' or his not having enough time to accomplish all he volunteered to do, as everyone else's fault.  He is being taken advantage of.  His good nature is being abused.  

Is not being honest about all the facts the same as lying?  When his schedule is packed past the breaking point, and someone asks him to help them, he always will say something like, "Sure."  Rather than say I would love to but my schedule is too full right now."  He also omits telling me all the parts of stuff.  Lying by omission?  

 

Resigned2B's picture

So Exhausted...

My husband's schedule will be packed too. He says yes to everything and everyone, regardless. However, the person most easily to fall short on time commitments he's made is ME! Always! 

Sometimes I'll ask him, "So it was easier to face me with a job I've asking you and waiting patiently for you to do for MONTHS than it was to tell our neighbor you couldn't help him today in his yard???" 

It is frustrating, it hurts, I feel like no one can see me or even hear me... I have to swallow hard and know that I am the LAST person on his list to get things done for. And I can be bumped OFF of his list for the mailman --- even if I've been waiting for YEARS! :{

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Hind sight is always 20/20

"It is frustrating, it hurts, I feel like no one can see me or even hear me... I have to swallow hard and know that I am the LAST person on his list to get things done for. And I can be bumped OFF of his list for the mailman --- even if I've been waiting for YEARS! :{"  

I have really been looking at MYSELF over these past 3 years.  Why did I accept being at the bottom of the list?  

It did not just happen overnight.  Many people tend to put their immediate family's requests at the lower end of the priority list.  When I look back and realize my own willingness to meet my spouse's requests and desires - I understand that was my choice.  My own system of priorities. Who I am, a nuturer, a Mom, a helpmate.  It was very hurtful to not receive that back.  BUT, he had no consequences either.  I thought I was being kind by trying to  'keep him happy' by not being too demanding.  Selflessness MAJORLY out of balance.  

The major backfire I am feeling is, it is apparent that this terrible pattern of behavior is how our marriage works.  My changing my own behavior did nothing to change the dynamics.  In my own book, 3-1/2 years is giving a really good amount of time to see change.  And he still runs from the discussions.  Just a few minutes ago, he abruptly left a conversation by saying "I gotta go before I start to cry again."  

He wants to focus on how hard hard he is trying - and will not look at that as being a "symptom of the problem.'  This man goes at a speed no one else can keep up with.  It is like he is on a stationery bike, trying to win a marathon.  No matter how hard he pedals, he stays in the same spot.  

He cannot hear me.  He will not listen to me.  he will do it himself.  Damn it all. He will do it himself.   

Resigned2B's picture

Exhausted...

Oh, the near futility of it all. I know many of of on this thread wished we lived closer, had each other's phone numbers, so we could call and cry and vent and have ice cream!

My husband too, will lament on how hard he's trying. He threw a new one at me a few weeks ago. He said he believed that even in Heaven he would not be able to make me happy.  This has a two fold affect. First, it makes me think that I am clearly asking too much of him. Apparently doing the taxes on time and being HONEST with me about our finances is just WAY out there!!! Second, I feel like I am SUCH a bitch, requiring THIS much, that God, Himself will not be able to help me, even in Heaven! So, what kept me going, having faith that there is no ADHD in the eternities, goes to hell pretty darn fast!

I have two a ADHD boys, now adults, that are in college looking for a wife to have a family with. I told my boys do NOT tell her that they have ADHD until she tells you she wants to marry you.  Then, you MUST tell her! BEFORE the invitations go out, before it goes any further she MUST have the opportunity to back out. If not, she can get an annulment the minute she realizes you knew and said nothing. I love my boys dearly. They have wonderful, kind hearts much like their dad. None the less, it makes me shake to think about what their future wives will be signing up for. That their children together, might also need her help and patience with their own ADHD issues.

Oh please God, help us all...

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Optimism for our sons

Resigned2B,

I have optimism where my son is concerned.  I first learned of ADHD when I discovered my son's brain was wired that way.  I then realized his Dad was exactly the same way, and was my husband's father.  And then I realized I had a brother growing up, with whom my Mom struggled with the public school system in the exact way I struggled with the public school system for my son.  And my very own Dad fits the ADHD realm of behaviors.

My son was tested, my brother and my father and my spouse's father were not.  My husband was tested 3-4 years ago.  His is so intense, it is over a nine on a 1-10 scale.  I was tested.     Not anywhere near ADHD.  Just majorly stressed over my own situation.

My son learned to accept himself, accept what he needs help with, and listens when his negative behaviors are addressed as a possible cause for  concern.  He has set up ways to keep track of time and appointments.  He has reminders.  He has learned how to only put three things on his to-do list, and complete those before adding anything else.  He has learned to look-over his situation and remove 'non-important obligations' that overwhelm him.  He has learned to say 'no, I'm sorry, I wish I could, but my schedule is full right now.'  He lets others help him.  And he ASKS for help.  And he is also able to decide that just maybe a project he started was not worth his time after-all, and scraps it.  He has been dating a fine young lady for over 4 years.  She understands him, and helps him, and let's him get away with no poor behaviors :)  He also trusts people.  He will trust that those who love him want to help him, not just take advantage and pull a fast one on him..  He knows I will not just pitch everything because I don't like the clutter.  He does need to be reminded sometimes to get the clutter out of the main areas of the house, but he just moves it - he does not bring on a barrage of complaints as to why it is ok and I am unjust in asking him to clean up.

So, no, my son is not perfect.  He is just an example to me of what life can be when ADHD is accepted, understood,  and addressed.  

None of us are perfect.  We do all need to learn to live and adjust some things for others. 

Right now my marriage is far, far out of balance since I allowed it to get that way.  I am feeling very defeated as I have addressed the major obstacles over the past 4 years, and I feel no respect, and no importance as a necessary piece of my spouses life.  I removed myself as the whipping post where my spouse can dump all the anger he has towards others.  My yard is getting into total chaos.  The landscaping is overgrown, the pool is not opened, the 'stuff' is oozing out from behind the barn and the bushes, and a huge tent full of stuff has overtaken my back yard  - so much so that it blocks my son's entrance to his side of the barn.  Yet, my spouse does not see a problem, and will not address it.  I am so tired of begging and pleading.  

Not to mention, so heart fully disappointed he cannot choose me.

Hang in there.  There is hope, when marriage is entered into with both people haivng their eyes wide open to the reality of who they are and how their brains are wired.

I think that's true about our

I think that's true about our children, that there is hope.  There is a difference growing up knowing you have ADHD and learning coping skills early than  learning in adult life that you have ADHD and everything you have been doing to cope with that is not good.  My daughter does not meet the criteria for ADHD but she has so many of the same symptoms that my husband does and I just know she will be one of the ones diagnosed in adulthood.  But in the meantime I am trying to teach her social skills and conversation skills.  Like you do not have to blurt out every thought the enters into your head.  You cannot ramble on and on with the other person not having a chance to chime in-that is not a conversation.  No one wants to talk to someone like that.  Tips on how to remember things, how to control her anger.  That's a scary one-her anger. I know a lot of kids with ADHD that are doing just fine, some are not even on medication.  So I think there is hope.

Resigned2B's picture

Exhausted...

My two sons, both with ADHD, are different in MANY ways from each other. I have one who is much like yours. I have one who will, in fact, argue with ANYTHING! He calls it a 'gift'. Of course, we all know better. The new picture I have posted as my avatar is EXACTLY how this particular son has made me feel since he was 2 and a half. I simply cannot tell you how freeking hard this child was to raise! He was fifth in the birth order. I thought every parenting skill I had EVER developed was on trial and I was losing and losing BADLY!

When he was three he told his father that it was okay if he went in the deep-end of the community pool though he could not swim. He said should he sink to the bottom he would simply WALK to the shallow end! And there tells the story of EVERY inane argument. Which, in time, only got more intense. He was my ONLY child of six that I had to remind who the 'mother' in the family was. That was when he was FOUR...

There was not a talking therapy around that I did not, and do not still, use with him. Now that he's nearly graduated, with straight A's, I have given up. I will pass the baton to some, unsuspecting woman. But I will make sure she understands the nature of what she is getting into. I never want to hear that I was involved in deception! He can be SO great and equally as exasperating!

My husband and other son are not like this. They can be unbelievably clueless, but like your son, they try to understand their limitations. (Well, my husband is JUST beginning to anyway.) Sixth in the birth order, this son is loved by EVERYONE! If he were independently wealthy he would, quite possibly, make the BEST husband EVER! As scattered as he may be he has an understanding and sympathetic heart. He is not afraid to use it privately and publicly. His workplace says he's a throwback from the fifties! A PERFECT gentleman, always friendly, always dependable, the 'Andy Griffith' type. On the surface, you would never dream he had ADHD! ;)

Both boys have the same birth parents, us, same DNA potential, same diagnosis, different personalities. By the way, I printed your son's coping skills earlier and emailed them to this son. He will love them and I think, despite what he already knows, they will be helpful!

Anyway, thanks for your time and your suggestions. I'm sure everyone who reads them will take away some kind of comfort. ;)

I don't know if my husband

I don't know if my husband lies when he is afraid to disappoint, but I do know one thing for sure:  He lies whenever his mouth is open. :-)  I can't even ask the most mundane questions (that can be objectively verified):  Is it raining?  Is there anymore salt on the table?  He even lies about our young sons.  I have found him sitting in the basement playroom with our son on his lap and the child's nose is bleeding.  Is his nose bleeding?  NO! Ok, then what is that red stuff dripping out of his nose onto his pants.  "I don't know!!!" and then he gets angry at the child for "making him look like a liar".

He lies when he makes a promise, he lies when he breaks a promise.  He basically lies if there is another human in the room to listen to his lie. He lies when he is happy (to make the story more "interesting"), he lies when he is sad ( he doesn't want anyone to know he has issues).

When we are sitting in a room silent together and not talking, he will make up something to start an "interesting conversation".

I should note that his psychiatrist first diagnosed him in the top 5% ADHD diagnoses, now he considers my husband "off the charts". He is extreme.  he will say something and at the end of the sentence, I will tell him what he said and he'll fly off the handle saying he never said it.  That happens 20 times a day...The worst are what I call the stutter conversations:  he'll ask me: where are you going?  Me: To the store.  Him: But where are you going?  Me: To the store.  Him:  But I need to know if you are going to the store.  Me: Yes, I am going to the store.  Him:  WHY DON"T YOU ANSWER MY QUESTION.  Me: I did.  him: NO YOU DIDN"T.  Me: I'm going to the store.  Him: Why are you telling me you're going to the store.  me: because you asked. HIM: No I didn't.

It's truly insanity and people think we as the non-ADHD spouse "contribute" to this behavior?  No, he was born in kookooland and he can stay there on his own.  Not my problem.

new here but yes...

It took me a long time to put 2 and 2 together and realize my husband was lying. A lot. He lies by ommission quite a bit...I knew nothing of his bad checks, warrant for arrest and or student loans until it came time to buy a house. He lies about when he breaks something, when he forgets to do something, when he's spent money he's not supposed too, sometimes about where he's been (b/c he gets to *** off while I"m being responsible). It's sad...I never assume he's just telling the truth anymore.

I found this forum after becoming so frustrated....I don't think I can financially afford my husband anymore. Our riding tractor "broke" and only when the shop called to say the motor was blown b/c it had no oil in it did he begin lying about there not being an oil leak, then it was he checked the oil, then it was he was sure it was 3/4 full when they picked it up.  $1500 repair.  Now we are at fault b/c he opened his door into a car that was parking next to us in a parking lot and I can't believe him if he was looking for not....either way our insurance found us at fault. This is just a long string of similar incidents in our marriage...I'm exhausted..

I have noticed one thing in

I have noticed one thing in particular, my husband seems to hate discussing things especially after one of his impulses. He feels attacked, and he will talk about the situation once and that's it."

This is a good  topic for discussion. My ADHD husband (takes meds but no behavior therapy) didn't start lying until he started an affair that lasted 3 years. (with a much younger woman) I don't know how he kept the lies straight then.  But, my husband also will NOT talk about things concerning his behavior, and when I DO try to discuss something important he TOO feels attacked. I don't yell at him, or call him names, etc., but it doesn't matter. He does NOT want to feel any discomfort if I draw attention to something he's doing that is hurtful. He always has some type defense mechanism in place, and turns the subject back on me or acts like what he did is "no big deal". But, if I did the same thing to him........WOW....it WOULD be a big deal. We are one of the couples that can't get past the "crazies" because my husband won't WORK on his ADHD. He saw a psychiatrist for close to 2 years when he was first diagnosed, but there was no change in his behavior. (the psychiatrist was also ADHD, I've found out) Talk about the blind leading the blind. My husband's appointments would just turn into gripe sessions with him talking about how hard HE had it at home. (yea.....right) It is the denial and deflect in action, but the psychiatrist didn't seem to see that happening.

Well so far so good

Things have dramatically changed at home for us, ever since I started working on my anger issues etc. I no longer allow myself to get that upset. I have a very small child at home & do not wish to set a bad example when she is older. It has been a rough road, but I am feeling very good about the direction out marriage is heading. We have been able to communicate more effectively, he recognizes he has adhd & wants to make it a priority to work on it. He goes to therapy every 2 weeks and his counselor is suppose to be looking into a medication trial to help. I guess compared to some, I should feel more fortunate. My husband is very loving & open to working on things & wants what's best for our family. I never have to ask him to help put around the house, he is very neat and clean. He can become distracted sometimes but if I ask something he usually is pretty prompt about doing it.  I've seen big changes, 6 months to a year ago, he was refusing counseling & meds were completely off the table. But I think he realizes they may help, I don't believe he has a severe case of adhd. He is active duty navy, has been for 8 years and never had any major issues at work & seems to enjoy it. I am just so thankful to be reading Melissa's book. It has given me a lot of insight. My husband is also reading it. I didn't realize how I also was contributing to our martial problems by being so angry and bitter.