Never posted something like this and I'm not even sure if this is the right area to post. I'm in tears as I type this so please excuse if it sounds jumbled... My 51 yr old husband has had ADHD for most of his life - it was always mild and he functioned well in life and with his career. It was never treated in his youth. His parents just gave him a lot of hobbies and he got on with things.We've been married for nearly 20 yrs and there were only a few "episodes" that were ADHD-like over the years and I've overlooked them. However, about 5 yrs ago these episodes have gotten worse (more frequent and more severe), and with the pandemic they blew the lid off of everything for him. He has since been diagnosed by a neurologist with ADHD/depression/anger/anxiety/panic attacks. He's also had loads of tests, and a brain MRI and he's fine in that respect. It has taken us forever to find appropriate treatment. We both lost our jobs just after start of the pandemic, and that's when most of these issues started. Episodes include: slurred speech, loss of balance (falling - to where I've had to call an ambulance a handful of times), shouting at me for no reason/abusing me emotionally/verbally, repeating the same things over and over and having a mean "crazy" look in his eyes. It is not drugs or alcohol as many times he transforms right before my eyes and it's terrifying. The only way these intense episodes stop is when I can finally convince him to go into bed and sleep, but just convincing him takes a few hours as he follows me around the house trying to pick a fight. The next morning he is like his old self and says he remembers nothing about his meltdown. These episodes mostly happen after a long day, or right after some sort of emotional trigger.

Another stressor is the fact that I have recently been diagnosed with a rare blood cancer and I have been trying to help him as well as navigate through my own health issues with appointments, procedures and treatments, which for this particular type of blood disorder, will be lifelong. I am still not working until my health issue/treatments become more stable and further apart. In the meantime, I feel as if I cannot escape when he has his (for lack of a better word) tantrums. He has also lost his job again about a month ago and all he does here is shuffle around...looking for me, hovering over everything I do. He no longer has hobbies, nor does he socialize with anyone but me and his immediate family. The only time we do go out is if I initiate it, and we haven't been intimate in nearly 2 yrs. There have even been times where I've escaped to my sister's house for the night because he has gotten somewhat aggressive - banging on walls/doors and shouting at me. His words are so mean I'm just shocked and his aggression is scary. I don't want to involve my family or his, but I've had to ask him to leave to stay at his parents for a few weeks because it was getting so bad about a year ago here I was afriad he'd hurt me physically. That's never happened, thank goodness. 

He is CONSTANTLY negative and grumbling and finds fault with everything. He's miserable 24/7, and it's impacting my health as well. I am trying to get out of this funk and am looking to get back to my career and life in general, but it's being sabotaged by him. I have begged him to get treatment for his ADHD and everything else - he has recently started therapy with the proper type of therapist (the previous one he was seeing just wasn't right for his needs) and he won't start ADHD meds until he sees his other doc next month. He is on Lexapro for anxiety and it seems to help the little things he would blow up about, but it does nothing for his lack of focus, frustration and anger episodes. His therapists (both previous one and the current one) have suggested meditation and breathing to help calm him, but he doesn't do these very often. It's as if he just doesn't seem to care. 

It seems as though he simply cannot handle life anymore, and I feel like I'm leading a 13 yr old child around by the arm. It has been an absolute nightmare living with him as he is a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde and I've tried talking to him about it - begging, crying, yelling, speaking lovingly, walking on eggshells... You name it, I've tried it. His episodes are almost daily, especially now that he's not working. I am at the end of my rope and I cannot spend another minute with him any longer. Later this week I plan on gong to the courthouse to file for divorce. I just cannot take this shit. I need to get on with my life in a positive way. I feel so very sad and also a bit angry because I wish there was something more I could do, but I've helped him find therapy and docs, and have been by his side through all of this. I need a partner to support me as well, especially now... I matter too.

I wish there was something more that could be done and I know he's just starting therapy, but I don't see the point in living with him. Will proper ADHD meds help him? Does anyone have experience with this? It's been an emotional rollercoaster for years and I think I've given up. I just need to talk to someone who is "normal" I'm sorry but it's the truth. He's killing me.