Hi everyone! I am new to the site but very familiar with ADHD and the effect it can have on a marriage and partnership as my husband has ADHD. I will preface this by saying I adore my husband. Melissa's book helped me a TON to understand why he acts the way he does and says the things he says. I feel like I am probably one of the only people who understand him...his parents don't even get him. However, he is brilliant, funny, smart and I love his spontaneity (even though it can drive me crazy too!)
My mom is very opinionated and LOVES to talk talk talk and ask lots of questions. She has issues of her own and her biggest thing is that she needs constant attention. Well my husband is the opposite and when shes around, he can tolerate her for about ten minutes and then he shuts her out. Last time she came, he completely ignored her, and barely answered questions that she asked. At one point he even told her not to call him honey which hurt her feelings so bad. She couldn't take it any more and had a blow out coming in crying and spilling her guts to him for about 30 minutes in which she told him if I had to choose I would choose her and leave him. He went on to say hurtful things as well. Ever since, I have been put in the middle. He refuses to extend himself out to apologize for hurting her feelings and ignoring her no matter how many tears I have shed.
He can't see my hurt or pain. This is one thing that I don't appreciate because he has such a good heart, but I feel like he chooses to ignore things. Everything...even little things that may help, he ignores. It's like it is just too much or too overwhelming for him to extend himself or be empathetic. I don't understand because he is so kind until things get hard. Any help would be appreciated. I mentioned us seeing a counselor for help and he agreed he would do it. I know I need to defend my husband over my mother, but when she mentions the issues ever day...I just don't know what to do. Help!
girl08, I have no advice for
Submitted by dweeb on
girl08, I have no advice for you.
I'm so sorry you are in the middle!! I wish you nothing but the best.
I'm with him
Submitted by sunlight on
Hi girl08, I'm non-ADHD female and I'm sympathizing with your husband here. Your mother doesn't respect his personality, she knows that he has problems handling her volubility and need for attention but she goes on anyway.
" spilling her guts to him for about 30 minutes in which she told him if I had to choose I would choose her and leave him."
This is just plain non-acceptable, in my view. She is interfering in your relationship.
"He went on to say hurtful things as well."
I'm not surprised after what she said. A better response may have been to state that she was out of line and leave the room but he sounds cornered and badgered.
" Ever since, I have been put in the middle."
Only if you allow yourself to be there.
"He refuses to extend himself out to apologize for hurting her feelings and ignoring her"
It might make him he bigger person if he apologized *first* however she makes no allowance for his personality, his ADHD, and the fact that she put herself right into the middle of your and his relationship.
"no matter how many tears I have shed. "
I can't imagine many men who would take kindly to the statement from her that his wife will choose her mother over her husband unless he pays attention to her (the mother) whenever she wants it.
If you've told your husband that your mother was upset, and told your mother that what she said must never be said again and that your husband is also upset, then there's nothing else to do. Your mother ought to drop it. (I have adult kids and cannot begin to imagine behaving towards their partners in the way she did here). Sorry but that's my view.