My wife and I are going on 10 years since we first started dating exclusively. We've been living together for 6 years, and married for nearly four. Things have deteriorated rapidly in the past year. In the past two months, we've had explosive arguments occasionally ending with, "Leave me already; you're making me miserable!" or "Nothing about you makes me happy anymore!"
I'm quite certain that much of our problem is directly related to our mental conditions. Explosive confrontations are not me. I have patience, and would prefer to let things cool down.
Six years ago, my wife was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder after suffering severe, debilitating panic attacks. The panic attacks were nothing new to her life, but the severity of that episode was enough to finally get help. She also suffers from periodic depression, either as a result of her anxiety, or in conjunction with it. She was put on medication and went to therapy regularly.
One year ago, in the midst of my own bout of depression (something that comes and goes periodically) I finally sought help. I was diagnosed by two independent doctors as having ADHD, which they both feel has a lot to do with my depression. I have all the symptoms documented on this board, in the books, in the research papers, etc. I am on my own meds and attend therapy religiously. I cannot go through the second half of my life, as dissatisfied and unfulfilled as I have the first half.
My wife and I would like to have a child (or children). So a little less than a year ago, she stopped taking her medicine, while continuing her therapy albeit sparsely. This made me very uncomfortable. Her reasoning was that we should hurry up and get her pregnant so she could have a baby, then when it's safe, she could go back on her meds, and we'd all live happily ever after. My intuition told me this was not a wise approach, but since I'm getting older and would like a child too, I went along with it.
My wife got pregnant and miscarried, in the middle of the winter; ectopic pregnancy. Neither one of us really dealt deeply with the disappointment, but moved on, which brings us to today.
She is no longer on medication and quit her therapy. She's tightly strung, and I spend my time with her walking on eggshells, trying not to upset her, rather than making her happy (or myself, for that matter). In the mean time, my progress is slow, but I'm making every effort to change. It's not easy: I'm constantly on the defensive; I feel I have no control; even the slightest mistake I make sets off a such a nasty, visceral reaction from her, that it sets me off and we wind up fighting about all kinds of things.
Having said all of this, and struggling daily to be nice and respectful, I'm beginning to realize that all the things my wife complains about that relate directly to my ADHD, are things she is equally guilty of.
I think we both may suffer the same thing. And while I've always been sympathetic to her anxiety and supportive of her, I don't feel the same level of patience or understanding that I've shown. It's killing our marriage. At this point, I'm ready to take action. The problem is I don't know which action to take: do I push for couples therapy or do I move out?
All I know is we're both suffering, and I'm the only one doing anything about it these days.