I am a Non ADHD Spouse married now to my ADHD husband for almost 3 years together 4. I am looking for help and advice. I read this blog every morning for help and support. My search engine on my phone is daily "ADHD Husband doesnt care, husband isnt helping, husband is mean etc. " I have read Melissa's book, in counseling myself and ADHD Husband is on month 3 of meds. Divorce for me is not an option unless of course there is abuse etc. This is marriage number 3 for both of us. We have known eachother since 4th grade and have grown up in the same circles, crowds etc. We reconnected after my second marriage and his. We dated long distance and married within a year of dating. Our courtship was like every article and your book which I have read. I was swept off my feet, love bombed and felt like I literally found my soul mate. We both are strong Christ followers with a broken background of alchohol and drug abuse. I am sober and so is he. It was/is our grounding in God that drew us together and our past. We have that in common. Infact we are a lot alike, almost too much alike including being the first born children in the family dynamic and are the same in all personality tests. Meyers Briggs/DISC etc- minus the one piece. I have gone from being a fun supportive loving wife to a nag with no voice and fully depressed. I have PTSD and Anxiety disorder which has sky rocketed since being in relationship with him. We both decided to tackle our mental health. He is first and I am second. I am in the middle of being assessed for a mood disorder myself making us both together a literal walking time bomb. I am highly insecure due to abandonment issues, lack of identity which I am working on daily and constantly triggered by his ADHD Symptoms. It seems like when he started his medication when its working he is great. When it starts wearing off which he is not on a stimulate, he seems worse. He every evening seems to be starting an argument. We seem to be fighting every other day and its wearing on me. So much so that I have journals filled with fights, I have emailed him how his words and actions affect me. He apologizes and it happens again. The problem is he states he has PTSD from me nagging him on what he isnt doing right, nagging, criticizing, pointing out etc. Yes I did do all of this for the first year in a half until recognizing it is ADHD. Once recognized I educated him on it. He listens to Melissa's book on audio. It goes into one ear and out the other. I have so much built up anger inside of me due to the rollercoaster life I have lived on and the burnout that I cannot climb out. Everything he does I have a hard time separating as a symptom. He literally went from being this loving kind man as I walked in the door to within 10 min starting an argument over cuddling on the coach. When I start to explain my self or what I meant he interrupts me in mid sentence. When I ask him not to do that and try and stand up for myself he says my voice is escalating and he plugs his ears like a child and says he cannot talk and puts blame on me. Instead of walking away which I should do, I find myself so caught up in defending myself as he is being unreasonable and rude. He will say things like " I am right, your wrong, I represent healthy you do not. Nothing you can say will give me hope". Just horrible final statements in the middle of being upset all while I am trying to defend what I have said. Because I feel disrespected, have deep rooted issues myself with this behavior I find myself escalate instead of walk way. I continue to talk over his plugged ears and try and reach him. My blood starts boiling, I feel like I am dealing with a child and he refuses to compromise or see my side. He then will leave the house and come back within the hour like nothing happened. Sweet as pie, loving kind husband that I need him to be in the difficult times. The hard part for me is this is often. I keep leaving for a few days and come back hoping it will be different. We will try Melissa's suggestions or he will turn on the audio for Anger and ADHD. That gives me hope for 24 hours until I wake up to Mr Hyde. The most interesting dynamic is if you take the fighting away, his words when short fused etc, when he is kind and good , he is literally the person I want to be around the most. We are the best of friends and have extreme passion when its good. There is so much more I am not writing in here that everyone explains on this forum that is exact to what my husband and I experience. The biggest thing I am having an issue with is he will apologize and take accountability but I have to literally force it or ask for it or go complete silent on him. Other than that if he had it his way he would never resolve an issue. He has told me he doesnt like people really and in the same breath says "well that isnt completely true". He says the rudest things I have heard at times that sound so heartless and then try and take it back. He doesnt initiate conversation with me, inquire about me or try and connect unless days have gone by. If I didnt nag for intentional connection etc he would be fine with just my existence and presence in the same area rather than interacting with me. Most often I find myself questioning why he got married if he doesnt want relationship. He constantly tries to brush away any issue I have with him. I cannot seem to go a couple of days without something bothering me and bringing it up. I am a HUGE communicator and a Corporate Recruiter by trade so I am always seeking to understand, listen, find solutions, talk it out. This seems to drive him nuts because he wants to just brush it under the carpet and move on and not talk about it. To be honest I am ready to let most petty fights go. I just cannot snap back into loving wife mode after being slaughtered the night before for expressing a feeling and not being able to finish the thought. Does anyone else experience this? Funny as I am typing it, it is like I am reading the other blogs here. The things I have not tried on my end are the following.
1- I have not walked away when he starts getting elevated for not reason. I am to caught up in explaining what i meant, my heart being heard or wanting to satisfy my desire and need.
2- I have not been able to go a full week without pointing out when he hurts my feelings, forgets about me or is rude. I bring up every offense although I say I wont
3- I am in the middle of extreme therapy myself for some Mental stuff. I have had extreme narcissistic abuse from mother, sister and oldest son. I have lost those relationships during COVID and trying to improve my mental health. EVERYTHING he does is a trigger to my healing and therapy. I tell him to much about my stuff in which he will use to prove he is never wrong in a fight or I am the problem. I feel I shouldnt share so much about my stuff anymore? Being transparent is good but maybe I am to transparent?
4- We are in the beginning stages of medication for him. He is an addict so he cannot take a stimulant. Strattera has been effective but any suggestions I give are not received well. I need to let him be in charge of his symptoms/meds. I have given him my advice daily. I think I may need to stop with that and pointing out what i am seeing all the time as he tells me he feels like the patient often.
I know this is so long and I am so sorry. I am hopeless and of course dont want another divorce. I dont feel like I am doing all I can on my end however I have been the scapegoat in life and in two abusive marriages prior. I easily put myself as the problem because i can fix me. I cannot fix him. The lack of sex in our marriage, his constant stress in dealing with life, ruining outings for the most part due to stress, rude comments, not wanting to be touched really, lack of intentional connection..... what kind of marriage is that? The only thing that has worked in our past was less time together. Maybe we are together to much with COVID, working from home. My counselor has suggested for me to take better care of myself, be gone more, have my own life etc. That is the one thing I havent had since losing family,friends during this pandemic. Thanks for listening and hopefully some advice on how to handle the anger outbursts out of nowhere, living in the deficit always and living with Jekel/Hyde.