Is this ADHD or something else? When I speak to him, he does not respond. It's like talking to a wall. I wait and wait and wait, then I say, "did you hear me?" and maybe I will get a response, maybe not. Sometimes he will say, "yes, I heard you." and then I have to continue to squeeze communication out like the last bit of toothpaste in a tube. Our discussions are always prefaced with a preliminary period of non communication which sets up the actual conversation:
Me: Hey Bob, what's time is it?
Him: (silence no reaction.)
Me: (waits)
Him: (nothing)
Me: Did you hear me?
Him: Yes, I heard you.
Me: Could you please tell me the time, then?
Him: You want to know the time?
Me; Yes, that's what I asked.
Him: (tells me the time OR goes into how he needed time to think about what I was asking.)
If I tell him hey, please acknowledge me when I speak to you, otherwise I feel like you're ignoring me or I'm invisible, he will say this isn't the military where I have to respond to you instantly like a slave! I'm like, it is not unreasonable to expect a response when you speak to someone.
I feel like I'm being CRAZY for asking for such a small thing that so many in the population are able to do but he can't.
Ugh. My husband does things
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Ugh. My husband does things like this, too. It's crazy making.
Conversation Stopper
Submitted by jennalemon on
That happens here too....ALL the time. Very hard to have a normal conversation ever.
I will say something or ask him a casual question.
10 seconds go by.
I say, "Did you hear me?"
DH: "YES, I HEARD you".
10 seconds go by.
Me: "So what do you think about that?"
DH: With loud irritation, "I am THINKING about it. Let me process that, will you?"
15 more seconds go by.
Me: "Are you still thinking?"
Dh: "About what?"
I don't take that as ADD but something else. I have never seen him do that to other people. I think he is trying to make it difficult to talk to him so that he doesn't have to talk about something....manipulating and asserting an attitude of control and belligerence that he thinks is funny for him (winning).
Jenna, I read your post to
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
Jenna, I read your post to him and he just looked at me blankly, not saying anything. Twenty mins later, still nothing. Guess he's not going to address it. I think that's kind of strange.
I once brought up going to Disney World and he lit up like fireworks and talked animatedly about it. It is interesting how he can do that for some things and is a complete corpse about everything else.
Give him some of his own medicine....
Submitted by c ur self on
If my wife was doing me that way, I would take a set period of time a month or however long it took and I would not initiate one conversation, every thing from meal plans to sex...I would make her come to me and start the conversation...It wouldn't take long until she wanted to know what's up...At that time, I would explain, that I don't plan to waste my time on someone so unconcerned about my feelings and our day to day communications, that i may are may not get a response from...I would just explain, it would work better, if you come get my attention, because I love and respect you enough to answer you...If it's add and he is not processing, but he has learned that you will continue to repeat yourself so y'all will eventually get there, this test of non-conversation initiation may expose that also. Any behavior that continually creates frustration for any of us needs dealt with in a constructive way...Anyone who can create negative emotions in us can control us.
That is true about the
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
That is true about the negative emotions, they just take over. The not processing though, I think when he's made aware he can AT LEAST not snap at me and start getting nasty when I ask for a response.
lyraheartstrings
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree...there is no excuse for any of us to respond in angry outbursts...I can't speak for all adder's, but my wife can be very self absorbed when she is locked into a television program or something she likes. She will do the same thing that you are talking about here...We are working that out though...My wife has a terrible time following a conversation...I think it's one reason she likes to talk so much more than have to try and listen...she gets lost easily...which leads to frustration for her...I am slowly learning what makes her tick...It has helped :)
I have had this same exact
Submitted by amlee87 on
I have had this same exact issue with my ADD husband, and I have EXPLODED at him because I feel like I NEVER see him do that to other people and after a while I thought he was doing it to me on purpose!!! After multiple awful blowout arguments, he finally shoved his pride aside, stopped twisting things around and blaming it on me and finally said, "I don't seem to do it to other people because when I am with other people in a social setting, I am actually working REALLY hard to pay attention to them, nonstop. I find myself constantly drifting while they're talking and in my head I keep saying 'focus, focus, focus' until I get back on track with what they're saying. I have to work hard at it, and it sucks. If I don't pay attention to them, it makes them think I don't care and it upsets people, and I don't want that." When I angrily replied, "well, how come you care so much about what other people think and work so hard to keep your attention for them, but it doesn't matter when you're dealing with me?!" He frankly told me that after being at work all day, in social situations, etc where he has to work very hard at paying attention to people, he comes home and relishes in the fact that he can just be himself and can get a break from the stress of trying to focus on other people. He confessed that sometimes he does the same thing when talking to me where he has to work really hard to focus because he's aware it makes me feel unimportant when he drifts and he doesn't want me to feel that way, but most of the time he just can't put the effort in. After he told me this, I started noticing that he does get a very particular look in his eyes during conversations that have lasted longer than I expected with him, and I can tell he is working to stay on track. It actually makes me really sad to see this look in his eyes because I can't imagine having to work so hard just to pay attention to a basic conversation, and I feel bad for him because I know it's a struggle. I don't hold it against him anymore but it still pisses me off quite a bit sometimes. I just need to ground myself when I get angry about it and remind myself that he is truly not doing it on purpose.
amlee87
Submitted by c ur self on
You really nailed it with this example...It has made me say to myself...How do i show love to my spouse...what are her needs? In my case I need to avoid the monologs she can't follow, I also must recognize her need for down time, regardless of my desires/needs...because it all boils down to living w/her in an understanding manner...It is selfish of me, and futile also to allow myself to press her for something she does not possess. If I ignore these signs that is when strained emotions usually come into play...I don't know about the rest of you but it is very difficult for my wife to admit what your husband opened up and shared w/you...
yup.
Submitted by amlee87 on
This happens all the time at our house, too. I do not have ADD, my husband does. It's incredibly frustrating. I repeat myself over and over and then my husband gets pissed at me! He verifies that he did in fact hear me, but will NOT respond the first time I ask him a question! I can only repeat myself so many times before I lose patience, feel worthless and uninteresting to him and just walk out of the room. He doesn't even notice when I stomp out of a room because I'm tired of losing him halfway through a conversation, repeating myself etc. This makes me 10 times more angry, upset and it makes me feel even more worthless. It's a vicious cycle and I keep telling myself that he can't help it, but after a while it just feels like he doesn't care. When I bring it to his attention, he insists he can't help it and that I just need to accept it because it is who he is and that's just the end of it. I guess it's all on me, then.
Exactly how I feel. I feel so
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
Exactly how I feel. I feel so invisible and like I don't matter.