Hello everybody, I'm new here. I'm 37 years old, married for almost 7 years with a newly diagnosed (only a couple of months) adhd husband, mother of a beautiful 6 year old girl and currently pregnant of a second child.
My husband has never been very focused on his feelings and our relationship, not even before we got married. I loved him deeply anyway. Even though he was not so open feeling wise, I just thought it was part of his particular personality, that for some aspects, I adored. I loved his positivity, I loved the fact he was not scared of anything, I loved his mental energy (cause physically I have always considered him quite lazy), I loved the fact he was able to get what he wanted because he has always been so proud of his strong will. I estimated him so much cause I thought he was very clever, since he's always been successful with his job.
Things changed after marriage, when we started to live together. He's a businessman, so I wasn't expecting him to be always at home with me and our daughter...but I wasn't even expecting him to be completely absent. I have raised our daughter completely by myself risking to get burned out, he has never helped with her or played with her when she was in her first 3 years, he has never helped at home with the smallest domestic tasks. At home, he's just used to spend his time sitting in front of the computer working or showing up just when it's time to eat, otherwise he's lying on the bed looking at his phone all the time or sleeping. Between me and him there's no relationship. He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't feel like spending time with me, we're like flatmates. He just looks for me when he needs to satisfy his sexual needs (but in this sphere too he's always been very distant, he doesn't participate actively with passional involvement or enthusiasm). His only priority is his job and at least with that, I can't complain. He works a lot, I don't work and we could always live a very good life. He loves our daughter cause I can see he's very fond of her and he wants always the best for her. He has also begged me for another child, I was very doubtful considering all these problems, but I started to think I was actually over demanding. Relatives and friends started to see me like a complaining, screaming monster since he used to describing me like that.
Furthermore he has also another problem. If he goes out with his friends, he always acts like the teenage leader of the group, he exaggerates drinking until he gets completely wasted because he can't control himself. This behaviour has always brought a lot of instability in our couple. I just can't accept this thing. He's not an alcoholic cause he doesn't have the need to drink everyday. This happens just when he goes out with his friends (and in 7 years these situations have occurred like 10 times, no more, so it's not so often). Then he comes to me to apologise, saying it won't happen again, but it happens again and again. He knows he creates sorrow, but he says he just can't stop himself but he loves us so much. He doesn't have any control in eating either. He drinks like 8 coffees per day and he uses huge amounts of nicotine.
Two months ago he started to think he could have adhd (I didn't know anything about this disturb on adults, so I thought it was another of his excuses), so he went to a psychiatrist who said he actually has adhd. He started to take Strattera like a month ago and he's still with a low dose. During this month he started with this med, the situation got even worse. He got drunk again and he tried cocaine for the first time in his life (something he has always been against). He said he understood he overcame a limit and wants to change his life cause it can't go on like this. He went away to his parents for two weeks with the intention of finding some mental balance, he got rid of the nicotine. He was supposed to come back home today, but yesterday he met up with some friend and got completely wasted again. This morning he was apologising on the phone, swearing the most important thing for him is me and the daughters. He's acting like crazy, I don't understand anything anymore. He said he feels more impulsive than ever with the alcohol thing since he's taking this med, but he feels its positive effects relating to focus, sleep and energy. The psychiatrist thinks that if he can keep away from alcohol now, when he will reach the right dose of med in like 5 or 6 months, his impulsivity will be taken down to a normal person level and consequently this problem will be solved cause he'll be able to moderate himself with alcohol in the future. He also said Strattera, even if it's still a small dose, has probably raised his tolerance, that's why he exaggerated even more lately. He told me to give it a chance because there will be for sure positive results. It's a very complicated moment for me cause I'm 5 months pregnant with a child to think about and I would need support, while I have to give support to him and he's creating more problems than ever exactly now.
I'm writing here with the hope to find some suggestions...maybe someone has experienced something similar? Thank you all.