I really need advice...I can't go to any friends or family anymore. They r tired of my problems with my adhd husband, so I have no support system. I have 3 kids and don't want to put them through divorce. But I don't want to be in this marriage anymore. I also gave up my career to raise kids and have no job options.
I have been with an adhd spouse for almost 25 years. He wasn't diagnosed until about 1 year ago. So I basically formed my life around his. I came from a very violent home and have very little self-esteem. His family looked very happy to me. They are rampant with adhd. It has been a roller coaster ride of a lifestyle. He is very successful and respected.
The adhd lifestyle has caused me to constantly adjust to my husband's life. He doesn't adjust to anyone else's life. His family has been cruel. I have lost many friends from becoming a bitter angry person. I have been blamed and scapegoated for our marriage problems.
I have gone to about 10 years of therapy, all different types. I have taken tons of medications for depression/panic attacks. Read ALL the books. Right now I am dropping all therapy and medication. We are enrolled in the online class for adhd marriage and haven't logged in yet. I was hoping my husband would initiate the logging-on process.
I just took week-long vacation with my husband where we very carefully discussed the issues in our marriage. I asked him out of curiosity what he would do if I was unable at some point to continue to keep up with his lifestyle. For example, what if my panic attacks got bad enough they caused agoraphobia or something of that nature? What would his reaction be?...
He said that he would make sure I have the care that I would need. But, he would continue his life also. He basically would not be held in a sort of "captivity" by my problems. So, he is actually being very clear about the limits of his emotional availability to me.
It seems like the root of all my marriage troubles to me. I am adjusting constantly to someone who is not able to emotionally support me in any meaningful way. I think marriage is just the opposite, based on support and respect.
I was kind of too shocked to say anything to him, but have been mulling this over ever since I asked the question. I got the answer I knew I would get and it isn't the type of marriage that I want for myself. But It is the type of marriage I have been living.
This is such a brutal lifestyle and I don't know what to do anymore. I am so sad!!!
I am so sorry to hear
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
I am so sorry to hear that you have so much problems with your husband, but I honestly think you are a strong woman for staying with ADHD spouse for so long, cause I am with ADHD spouse for over a year now and I am ready to leave and never look back any minute soon,I have been very sad too, you are not the only one but I do think that as women in such horrible relationships we would soon make all the right moves for our kids and our selves..again I wish you nothing but the best and know that I may not know you personally but I feel for you,take care and good luck!..........from:lovehurtsalotwithanger.
Thank you for your reply. I
Submitted by tonyafraser on
Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. I don't know your circumstances, but I have been with my husband long enough that I don't think there is hope for adhd relationships. I think I would get into trouble for saying that on this blog! But I can't think of anything I haven't tried in 25 years. It has been a l-o-n-g haul. And I really regret it. But I have difficulty moving on from problems in my life. I think that is probably the only thing left. To either move on alone or with him. If I stay, I just need to decide how I will and will not live. But it's hard after being immersed into the adhd world for so long. I feel like I don't even know what's normal or healthy in a marriage relationship. But I do know what the vows said and it didn't say to "get a caretaker for your wife if she can't keep up with your lifestyle." That should be funny if it wasn't true.
I wish you the best also. No one should feel this alone.
Part of the reason your
Submitted by Waterfall on
Part of the reason your husband said he would take care of you, but continue on with his life is because he is a man. They tend to be more pragmatic about these things. We women are nurturers, we are caretakers, often to the extent that we sacrifice ourselves for our loved ones. We feel we would be selfish to put ourselves first. I hate to say it, but it's probably healthier to do things their way. I know I am making generalizations, and there are exceptions, but let's be honest, most women feel bad about saying, not now, I need to take care of me. I think I would have been less resentful of my husband if I had let him clean up his own messes. I should have stood up for myself more. I should have had firmer boundaries.
boundaries
Submitted by tonyafraser on
Yes, boundaries are important. I noticed I have a history of not having boundaries and then people walk all over me and then I end the friendships. So I need to learn to be assertive enough to not let people cross my boundaries.