I really need advice...I can't go to any friends or family anymore. They r tired of my problems with my adhd husband, so I have no support system. I have 3 kids and don't want to put them through divorce. But I don't want to be in this marriage anymore. I also gave up my career to raise kids and have no job options.
I have been with an adhd spouse for almost 25 years. He wasn't diagnosed until about 1 year ago. So I basically formed my life around his. I came from a very violent home and have very little self-esteem. His family looked very happy to me. They are rampant with adhd. It has been a roller coaster ride of a lifestyle. He is very successful and respected.
The adhd lifestyle has caused me to constantly adjust to my husband's life. He doesn't adjust to anyone else's life. His family has been cruel. I have lost many friends from becoming a bitter angry person. I have been blamed and scapegoated for our marriage problems.
I have gone to about 10 years of therapy, all different types. I have taken tons of medications for depression/panic attacks. Read ALL the books. Right now I am dropping all therapy and medication. We are enrolled in the online class for adhd marriage and haven't logged in yet. I was hoping my husband would initiate the logging-on process.
I just took week-long vacation with my husband where we very carefully discussed the issues in our marriage. I asked him out of curiosity what he would do if I was unable at some point to continue to keep up with his lifestyle. For example, what if my panic attacks got bad enough they caused agoraphobia or something of that nature? What would his reaction be?...
He said that he would make sure I have the care that I would need. But, he would continue his life also. He basically would not be held in a sort of "captivity" by my problems. So, he is actually being very clear about the limits of his emotional availability to me.
It seems like the root of all my marriage troubles to me. I am adjusting constantly to someone who is not able to emotionally support me in any meaningful way. I think marriage is just the opposite, based on support and respect.
I was kind of too shocked to say anything to him, but have been mulling this over ever since I asked the question. I got the answer I knew I would get and it isn't the type of marriage that I want for myself. But It is the type of marriage I have been living.
This is such a brutal lifestyle and I don't know what to do anymore. I am so sad!!!