ADHD Inability to See Outcome Coming from Actions?

So I met up with my exBFw/ADHD this past weekend after not seeing him for four months (there was an occasional text but nothing meaningful).   Truthfully it was a nice meeting and we were both able to see some changes in each other.  Now I have known that he was spending time with his best friends ex wife and i knew it was probably more than that.  Well, he confirmed it.  I discussed this with him for a while and basically asking him a few questions I KNOW he didn't think of because of his ADHD (diagnosed and unmedicated).  For instance, do you realize that even though your best friend is supposedly okay with this, your relationship is forever changed - no more trips with him (because he will not want to be with his ex-wife), no more confiding in him about your girl trouble (because it will be his ex-wife) and so on.   Do you realize that when a breakup with this woman occurs that she lives across the street and now you will have forever hurt your relationship with your best friend and you will have an ex living across the street?  Do you realize that you know the "real" her if you think back to her actions (that you didn't like) over the last 20 years ?  Do you realize that you are messing with your relationship that you've always had with her adult son?   Basically his answers were - its hard to see it that way.   This is classic rebound stuff (for both of them) as he really didn't care for this woman as a person before.   He told me she new he was meeting with me and said "well just tell me if you are going to start dating her again".   I was like, wow - doesn't that tell you something?  If I were in her shoes and I really cared for you, i'd be fighting for you, not giving some stock want to be heard answer.  I know this is all kind of off-kilter, but to bring it back around.... Is this classic ADHD inability to see an impending outcome from current choices/actions?  Now and Not Now timing?

I'm still really crazy about his man and he knows it, but he also saw how well I was doing, taking care of myself, getting new hobbies.  Somebody told me something at work yesterday - they said...Kit - put away your cape.  I know they are right, but i am secretly hopeful that I really upset his apple cart.




This is Text Book "Now, Not Now" it could be used as an example in the next ADD book. What a Disaster in Motion. It is great that you see the behaviors in your xBF and take note. When this all blows up on him, how long will it take for him to come back to you? This behavior pretty much describes my life before my DW was in the picture. Hang in there...

Thanks YYZ

Thanks for the info - it's helpful to know that all of my reading and research has helped me to get a fairly decent grasp on his/adhd behaviors.  It is quite sad to watch a train wreck that you can't stop.  I said my words of wisdom and am shrinking off into the background for him to figure this out himself.  Whether that happens quickly or it takes a while  for him to see the consequences of this dating decision unfold in the future, only a crystal ball knows.  Truly, truly sad.  Funny thing was as i was driving home (we are 70 miles apart) - i was thinking - "okay I'm his Now, but in about 15 minutes she will take my place and i'll be his Not Now".

Sad, but (Most likely) True...

Your Train Wreck analogy is my EXACT description of how I felt just before my diagnosis. cRaZy, huh?!? Maybe he will get it, before the full impact?

Hang in there...

This explains so much

Years of heatbreak for me.  Years of him saying, "What's your problem?" A lifetime of his reality being so different than mine and me not realizing it.  He has no idea/memory of what I compromised and forgave.  It explains how after so many of his indiscretions and bad decisions over a lifetime, he could say to me now, "What did you EVER do for me?"  If I am not doing something loving and helpful for him at the moment we are in, I do not exist in his mind, I am not needed or at the very least forgotten while he must get on with the business of him being OK and functioning. He can only try to focus on the moment.   If he is with someone else at the moment, he is not committed to me (I and our comittment are "out of mind").  And I can be standing right next to him and he is not with me if someone else has his attention.  It feels to me that unless I am holding his face to look at me and touching him, I do not exist for him.  Unless there is something that is in front of him, endangering HIS safety or comfort, he is not able to have it in his mind.  He needs to have all his faculties focused in the NOW just to function and survive.  Now that I am "getting it", I am appreciating how good he has done just to "stay in the conversation" to give me the feeling that someone is listening to me some times.  His promises were real although not filtered in reality.  He just over-promises and then forgets.  It is not because he hates me or wants to hurt me.  It is not that I am not worthy of attention.  I thought that if I gave enough and worked for and with him, he would appreciate and love me.  Now, I realize that my life of giving, serving, supporting and compromising was never even on his radar.  And for him to have some dignity and self respect to be able to continue to function he must deny, distract and delude.  This makes my soul hurt and it must be a confusing way to live.  It seems to be the reason that ADHDers don't feel the pain until the actual split happens in a relationship. The physical pain of someone not taking care of things for them gets their attention because they MUST focus to navigate their lives without someone doing it for them.  It is why conversation and threats seem to have no affect.  I know that putting words into someone else's reality is not fair.  Please feel free to correct me where needed.  I am new to this understanding and trying hard to not be confused and full of hate.