This morning, I write from a place of sadness.
This year, I was diagnosed with ADHD (predominantly inattentive, also impulsive) I'm in my late twenties. While the diagnosis should come as no surprise given family history, difficulties in school my whole life, and other quirks (forgetfulness with placing keys, ability to think very quickly, racing thoughts, hyper-focusing to the extreme, difficulty falling asleep, night owl- not saying all ADHD individuals have these symptoms, but I do). I am now taking medication, but living in the shadows of my past failures. I'm very sad because my marriage is in decline and, as much as I want one, I do not have a career.
Despite my struggles, I do have a strong work ethic and I somehow managed to graduate college with a Bachelor's degree. Math and sciences were never my cup of tea, and my degree is in the liberal arts field, making the job search in our current economy along with my personal struggles in the workplace all the more difficult.
I struggle to maintain full-time work. In the past 3 years, I've lost 3 full-time jobs(one was purely due to the economic recession, not a reflection at all of job performance, but still difficult). The other two jobs were office-based settings which entailed customer service, multi-tasking on admin. tasks such as answering phones, filing, data entry, etc. The feedback from my former-former employer was that I was "slow" at completing assignments. From my most recent former employer, the feedback is that I'm disorganized and lack follow-though. I work hard and don't sit around on Facebook at work or look up Lady Gaga videos on YouTube (which is more than I can say for my "focused" co-workers), but data entry goes slowly.
These last 2 jobs ended in a shit storm of emotion of me crying at work. One job was pre- ADHD treatment, the most recent one was where I tried to go the extra mile: try to show up 5 minutes early, take the shit night shift that no one wanted during a big sale, etc. I offered some suggestions to my last employer regarding how I could improve, such as system improvements or having meetings with department each morning, but they didn't want to work with me-just say SEE YA and move on to the next person. It just really hurts. I know I'm a very moral person with high ethical standards. I don't lie or steal or cheat. I don't eat animals or litter or wish bad things onto other people. I love reading novels and thinking about big ideas. I like apple picking in the Fall and swimming in the lake in the summer. The sun on my face after a long winter warms my skin.
And yet, I can't seem to get it right.
I'm trying to accept my recent job loss with grace. It sucks, but at the end of the day, I know I tried my best: showing up early, taking medication daily, practicing meditation for a couple minutes, taking on the shit shifts during the big-sale, laughing at my immature supervisor's lame jokes. My next work chapter? I'm going to try freelance writing and see what happens. I've always been scared of it. Now, I'm horrified of the whir of the fax machine beeping near my highly distractable brain and the clinks of co-workers heels as they go for ice cream & gossip, and I'm hovering over my cubicle, mindlessly entering data and formatting Excel.
Furthermore, my marriage is in decline. In my prior way of being, I was extremely messy, hyper-focused on my job after Job Loss 1 and would get yelled at and thought of as stupid by spouse. The burning seer of unemployment was very deep, I did everything I could to maintain my first job after Job Loss 1. I hated this job, but somehow managed to be successful at this job prior to quitting & accepting a new job, which eventually resulted in Job Loss 2.
In my new way of being, I've managed to transform from a very messy individual to one who is quite clean and tidy most of the time. I'm very good now at taking care of routine cleaning matters, such as dishes, putting away clothes, cleaning up bath room, cooking dinner, mopping kitchen etc and try to always make it look cute and cozy at home. I've identified that clutter is an impossible to manage devil for me, and strive to throw away, sell or donate any items I do not need. Regardless, I'm still not so great at non-routine matters, such as painting or noticing carpet stains, which invites my spouse to think of me as irresponsible. I take my medication regularly and follow thru with my doctor's appointments. I've apologized to my spouse that I moved so slowly in regards to accepting my ADHD diagnosis and treatment, but it's been a long road growing-up undiagnosed and with a family who never thought I had ADHD.
My spouse is the opposite of me in many ways, and we joke that he has ASS(Attention Surplus Syndrome). Despite our struggles, I still love him very much. We can still chat and laugh, but there is always a heaviness in his eyes, and sense of disappointment. I've asked for his forgiveness that I moved so slowly towards treatment, but I don't know if he can forgive me. Prior to educating himself about ADHD, he'd yell at me and call me stupid, which he now regrets. Maybe we are both living in the shadow of regret.
How do I get my husband to forgive me so that we can be happy again? I'm very serious and committed to my new way of being and have no intent to go back to my cluttered way of being. I love him-his laugh, intelligence, our chats, his looks. And yet, I know he feels disappointed and has lost trust in me.
Anyone have similar experiences, either at work or in marriage, or in both?
How do you move past the old way of being with your spouse, and allow the the sunshine to embrace your marriage again?