A CONSTANT struggle for me when having a discussion with my husband is to quickly just tell him "one more thing" or try/want to explain my position better so that he "gets it."
Example: we have an argument about something and I tell him I need to pause and "think about it." (A tool that I need because I can't process quickly). A few minutes later, he hears me typing away on my computer and says:
- HIM: "so does the fact that you're typing mean that you're done "thinking about it?"
- ME: "well, you'd say that because I have trouble multi-tasking and so if you hear me typing, then I'm obviously not thinking about the situation, but... " (he interrupts here, my "but" would have gone on to explain why it made sense that I was typing for "insert my reason du jour here.")
What he WANTS/EXPECTS is when he asks me why I am typing is for me to say something like "Oh, crap, I'm sorry, I told you I was going to follow up and then when you heard me typing, your reasonable conclusion was that I forgot, am blowing you off, don't care, etc."
What I DO SAY is, "well if you hadn't interrupted me I would have told you that I needed to set the issue aside for a moment to let my emotions cool down, at which time I would have appropriately considered things and then followed up appropriately, which is what I SHOULD have told you in the first place instead of just that I "needed a pause..."
So basically, my OVERRIDING, intense desire/emotion at the time is to NOT admit fault, but to tell him why what I did "made sense" if he had just let me continue.
He can be impatient, which is due in great part to huge cumulative frustration of me not responding honestly in these types of situations. That impatience feeds my fears, defensiveness, etc. and worsens my behavior, which makes him more impatient, which makes me worse, etc.
For me, I believe that the scenario above is part ADHD, part habit of not wanting to admit mistakes, part emotion. I have a huge struggle with the initial compulsion, and then "holding on" to my position/emotion even when it doesn't make sense to do so. I will often explode and say mean things, to which he of course responds coolly and rationally (e.g. "this is what you are doing and just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's not the truth") - WHICH IS TRUE BUT AT THE MOMENT IT POURS GASOLINE ON THE FIRE for me. At this point, things really escalate, or SOMETIMES I can bite my tongue and take a moment and let my anger/agitation diffuse.
Any Adhd'ers who understand what I am describing, who have found successful ways to cope with this "in the heat of the moment" response?
Any Adhd spouses who recognize the situation who have found successful things to do or say that don't let the Adhd spouse get away with the irrational behavior, but help it not to escalate?
I guess I feel very torn on what is the healthy boundary between the adhd'ers capabilities/responsibility and the adhd spouses' ability to recognize and help compensate that is a win/win for BOTH PEOPLE.