Submitted by PoisonIvy on 05/07/2016.
I discovered yesterday that, for at least the past 10 months (when he added himself to my daughter's cell phone plan, for which I pay), my husband has regularly been having lengthy phone conversations with someone, all while rarely if ever initiating communication with me.
I discovered this morning, not to my surprise, that the someone is a woman.
Rosered, so sorry
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I know this one all too well. Even though we are separated and my husband says he wants to save our marriage, he has constant long texts and conversations with at least 2 other women. One is a former co-worker and the other is an old girlfriend in NJ. He swears this isnt true, but I found them on his phone. He actually got angry with me for "snooping". This is also after a 3 year long affair that he says he totally regrets and would never do again. So I asked him why he is keeping up the "secret" communications with other women.........no answer. I'm done.
I dont trust him any more, and he was angry about that. Wow. Im sorry that you are facing something that only adds more stress.
Sorry, guys
Submitted by Delphine on
I would have a hard time with that too. Maybe finding this out is a blessing in disguise. Makes it clear that it is time to say bye-bye? Sounds like you've reached that conclusion yourself, dedelight.
Rosebud
Submitted by jennalemone on
This sounds so familiar to me. When people on this forum write about spouses who are distant and don't need communication with their spouse, I am quick to think secretly..."I bet there is some other relationship they are hiding." H was a traveling salesman in our early marriage. He would sometimes even say to me, "Remember, If you don't 'take care of me' before I go on the road, Absence makes the Heart Wander. haha." He was in essence telling me that it was up to me to make sure he "was taken care of" or there would be consequences as tho that was a joke that I would find funny. So..... I would be to blame for his straying. I am so sorry Rosered. Things may become more clear for you now.
oops
Submitted by jennalemone on
double entry
This is so sad and hurtful
Submitted by dedelight4 on
It's really a shame that with my husband's need for attention he can justify reaching out to other women. He was talking bad about my daughters and I to these other women, which really doesnt look good for HIM. I guess he doesnt see that.
Maybe he can wind up with one of these other women and then they will really find out if he's being truthful or not. I'm positive they havent lived with untreated ADHD before, and then he wont be able to keep his "its all their fault " story going any longer.
This is not all ADHD, IMO. He has always told people what an upstanding, faithful, truthful and unselfish person he is, but that hasnt proven out,sad to say. I belueved that about him for a long time, but actions have been speaking louder than words.
Dede....You are Right
Submitted by kellyj on
This is not ADHD or even gender related. When my ex wife checked of the relationship.....I found out much later about someone who I do believe she was seeing. I never found out for sure and I don't really want to know. Not because I'm not curious.....I just feel at this time, I saw the same behavior and I saw her check out. I think this explained a lot in her behavior where before.,...none of it seemed to make sense.
You really have to wonder when a person is not only unavailable emotionally....but they aren't even present or around much and seem to always or often....off doing something else wth no real interest of spending any time with you. I think right there....is a big red flag.
J
Very sorry
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Very sorry to hear.
This is not ADHD
BTW...how did he add himself to a cell phone plan that you pay for?
How are you?
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
I hope that things have been able to move forward for you.
.
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
double post
been there...
Submitted by dvance on
Oh honey I am so sorry. Like so many others on this site, I have been there too. Literally the night before I was going to ask my husband to move out for other reasons 4 years ago I found many many emails from "Lily" about how his early morning calls were the best part of her day and how much of a bitch his wife must be to not appreciate what a good guy he was. And then he threatened to kill himself and so we started on the four year nightmare that we are still in. And there have been two more women since then. I honestly no longer care. At this point I wish he had someone so I wouldn't feel so guilty for not being in love with him any more. It would be so much easier if someone else would take care of him.
No matter how much you think you are disengaged from your other half, it does you give you pause when there is someone else. I am sorry for this hurt.
dvance
Thank you for these messages.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you for these messages. I appreciate the understanding and support. My discovery of the phone communications occurred a little over one week ago, on a Friday night. On Saturday, I got together with my family for Mother's Day. On Sunday (Mother's Day), I chatted with my daughters, who live out of state. Nothing from my husband.
Monday morning we had a status conference for the divorce. I had sent my husband proposals about dividing the property, with explanation and documentation (i.e., amounts in accounts and such) months earlier and sent some of them more than once. Finally, one week before the conference, he said "okay, I can sign this agreement." We went into the room for the conference before the court commissioner, I presented copies of the agreement, and almost the first thing my husband said (in a whine) was, "I'm signing the house away...." A little later, he talked, in a very self-pitying tone, about how his parents (for whom he is caregiver) are so ill and who knows if he'll even have a job tomorrow. I felt blindsided. The court commissioner gave us some info, we left, and I drove home sobbing.
H came over for a little while and really seemed to have no clue about what he had done, the effect it had on me, and that this might affect whether the judge will grant the divorce.
I have talked again to H about his communications with the woman friend and he still just doesn't get why this bothers me. I said that I know that he is not having an affair with her but that is not the point; the point is him spending years rarely talking to me, and I thought it was because we were living in different places, and really it was because he didn't want to talk to me. But now the emotional infidelity is receding because it's just one more nail in the coffin of my dysfunctional marriage that I'm trying desperately to escape and fear I won't be able to escape.