ADHD marriage is a losing game

You believe you have been picked for a team of two, with potential for new team members to come on board. It is exciting and makes you very happy. You anticipate running down the field, passing the ball between you, dodging tackles, swerving rough patches, pushing through the pain barrier, side by side. You pass the ball, but instead of the ball being passed back in a steady rhythm, it is dropped. Every single time. So you go back and pick it up and try and pass it again with the same result. Very occasionally it is picked up. You cheer, you jump for joy, you think it is a happy new start. But then you are back to the same old thing - bewildered and trotting backwards through rough grass and potholes to pick up yet another dropped ball. For years and years, until you are staggering with exhaustion. I could not go on. Now I run alone, the ball safely cradled in my arms, the goal still a long way off. Not what I wanted at all.

I feel your pain

I feel your pain.  I have no great words of wisdom, as I am new to this and right there with you.  Are their kids involved? Has your spouse tried medication?  Does it help?

barneyarff's picture

I guess what confounds me is

I guess what confounds me is  why does it take us so long to learn?  What is our pathology that we will put up with this for so long.

It's more than just being gullible.  It's some kind of nuts that attracts ADDers.   I just can't believe I got sucked into this.

Linsy's picture

Some kind of nuts is right

Spouse refused completely to give up cannabis and take the trial of medication he had been offered.  He led me to believe he would and then backed out at the last minute, adding yet another layer of pain.  My eldest  has just been diagnosed, and is I hope back on track (he fell out of further education and retreated to his room, miserable and unable to see a future). So much progress since I stopped. The only progress spouse has made is to find a girlfriend to keep him (his coping mechanism was always to find some sucker to 'look after' him). Without him, we have moved forward on every front, professional and emotional. The grinding pain and mourning is much diminished, the stress almost gone, my resilience is back most of the time. But there is still a knife in the guts at the sheer bloody betrayal and waste of all those years of trying to be a wife and mother, and build our own little family and future. Turns out he would rather run home to his own birth family, than create his own. Thinking back, my own male family members exhibited extremely odd behaviour - what hope did I have of choosing a good'un?

I hear you!

Thanks for your post.  I can relate!  Nothing is more painful than to have given sooooo many years and have them leave (after you find out about an affair) and then know they easily went on to some other woman while the non ADD parent is left struggling alone with all the mess the ADD has caused.  I had my husband of almost 28 years, soon to be ex husband, say to me the other day, "getting a divorce is no big deal".  I gave my all to this person and our family for 25 years.  I would love to invite any person who is contemplating staying in a dysfunctional ADD relationship that shows no signs of change to come to my house and see what I deal with ALONE on a daily basis-no other parent around to give any kind of emotional support what-so-ever to our child or me, an ADD child who continues to struggle greatly with depression and ADD issues, convincing them that life if worth living, holes in my walls, searching desperately for the next counselor or medication, etc, etc, etc.  It is the most painful situation when you cannot easily change the situation for your child and you also know that you cannot reach out to the other parent because they are so incapable of talking about anything that isn't a fun and happy topic.  It is no way for a child/young adult to live or for a parent to live.    

Linsy's picture

Thank you for sharing

Again, an identical experience to mine. A complete stranger thousands of miles away dealing with the same stuff. I am I hope beyond thinking that there is any solution apart from looking after ourselves and our children. For me that is probably it as far as 'romantic' relationships are concerned. Too off putting. 

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Beating the odds?

add, barneyarff, Linsy,

Getting married, believing it is forever, holding on to my vows to God and my spouse and all my friends and family, believing I could sustain, holding up my end, giving 110%, sometimes it felt like 500% . . . .

Consistently wondering what I did wrong, reading yet another book on relationships, finding another book on ADHD, finding another book on ADHD and marriage . . . 

Sincerely hoping my marriage is comparable to Edison finding the correct filament material for the light bulb - I know about one thousand things that DO NOT work, but I just haven't found the one that does.

And then I get left with angry words from my spouse as he storms out to bed, "If I stacked all the things I did for you, compared to all the things you did for me. . . . . "  (11:30 at night he is trying to ask a question  on E-Bay, but can't figure out how to send an e-mail, and gets angry I do not want to work at that time of the night.  He is buying tools for work.  I am enjoying a TV show.)  Oh, I was not kind.  Nor patient.  

I honestly believe I need to finish all the emotional business that is hanging over our heads in order to determine if we earned our way out of this marriage.   Or if it will sustain all the pain.

I think.  But I do not know.  Deep in my gut I wish I KNEW that I KNEW that I KNEW. . . . . 

 

Losing battle

Hi, I just wanted to comment.  I am not being negative or pessimistic but this is a losing battle.  It will never get better if the ADD spouse isn't proactively working on it.  They absolutely can't apparently, because they seem to "fizzle out" when going to counseling or perhaps taking medicine.  Together for 18 years with my ADD husband, married for 15, first marriage for both, two beautiful and well-behaved daughters, church-goers (usually myself and daughters), professional wife, spouse diagnosed aproximately 6 years ago, we are in mid to late 40s.  I have given up.  Noticed anger/frustration/aggressiveness getting worse over years, well last few years, until on 4/25, he grabbed me and put me against a wall.  "Didn't hit you...", he says and 1/2-a$$ apology.  Never had anything like that happen to me in all these years.  Over what?  Because I had pneumonia (had Dr. appt), was laid up, and was helping 10 year-old daughter with her project for school while he just sat there on the couch.  Asked if he could copy a few of the forms that school sent home for the 504 plan I am getting my 10 year-old on for ADD so she doesn't end up like him.  He complained, banged stuff around, swore, said it was late, etc.  Had to be done the day we got letters (Thurs) b/c they had to be returned next day (Fri) in order for school to accommodate state testing that was going to happen in school that Monday.  10 year-old called police.  His court date is coming this week.  He is not supposed to have contact w/myself and younger daughter.  Only cares that I'll drop charges I pressed so he won't lose his job or have a "black mark" on record.  Said he'd never hurt me, but I don't think many people plan on hurting someone when they're in a rage - like he gets in over little stuff.  I am writing this to WARN you all that it CAN or WILL come to this someday.  I NEVER prior to that day would've EVER thought this would happen.  I hate that I felt guilty at first - but frankly, this incident took all of 3 minutes from his agitation to the end result.  Absolutely embarrassed.  Oldest daughter is 12 turning 13 on Monday, is a cheerleader, is on honor roll, is, well, just a great person.  Working w/youngest and her ADD, she is turning 11 in July.  Husband's whole side of family with history of ADD.  Youngest daughter is on Daytrana patch, getting her counseling, and did the 504 plan to give her the best start in life. Iife.  I only posted his bail b/c his money goes into the one bank account that has my name on it and of course, I would never want to be sitting there without access to my money.  He puts check in my account b/c he doesn't pay, look at, touch any bills - so that is nice and easy for him - still a burden for me.  Have put up with the lying for so many years, and frankly, just don't care anymore.  Haven't had sex for 3.5 years - not b/c I don't have needs but b/c last time we did something I cried.  I couldn't believe it - it just happened.  I still cannot believe that happened.  I just quietly cried in the middle of it and couldn't help it and didn't know it was coming.  I think perhaps b/c that was the only time he said "I love you".  I think that made me feel dirty?  If anyone knows why that happened, let me know b/c I was shocked and then felt bad for him b/c I cried.  Have done the medicine, counseling, still nothing changes.  Something is always my fault.  The dummy came back to the house when he got out of jail (he didn't know I posted the bail and apparently had already called his mommy who was on the way to get him w/her friend), to get clothes.  Apparently the courts told him DO NOT go to the house until pre-trial, etc.  Victim's advocate happened to call me when daughter got call from hubby saying he was in house getting clothes (we were in garage b/c we just got home from Dr. for f/u pneumonia appt.).  Lady was LIVID and sent a sheriff to our house.  Husband's mother an enabler and a passive-aggressive thorn in this whole marriage.  Hasn't seen my kids in 7 months and NEVER called them to just say, "how are you doing amidst all of this", without saying those exact words.  Turns out Victim Advocate knew mother-in-law's friend who came into house w/hubby to help him get clothes.  This friend had just went through same thing w/her husband and Victim's Advocate couldn't believe she was aiding and abeting hubby.  Don't think hubby is a bad person, but now that he hasn't been around for almost a month, I see more clearly how 18 years have gotten worse year by year.  I would love to give everyone hope, and there may be exceptions to the rule, but it will always be there and it will not get much better.  Hubby smoked pot before we were married and I thought it was just a college thing that lingered a few years past that.  I don't do anything like that.  We also rarely, if ever, drink.  Asked prior to getting marriage if the pot was an issue and he said no.  I advised I didn't want to be married to someone that does that or is a drinker (not a drink here and there but a consistent drinker).  He said, "heck no just something to do w/his friends, sisters, brother previously, etc.  He was kidding himself b/c one week after marriage I caught him out back of our apartment (before we had a house), smoking in his van.  He has never done that in front of me, etc.  However, found stuff in his vehicle.  I think I shut off emotionally after that and all of the lies.  Does anyone realize how much they lie over stupid little things even?  Could never get him to do bills after 2 years of marriage, open mail, check answering machine, finish college, etc.  He just comes home and sits.  OH WAIT, he does do stuff, um, stuff he wants to do for himself - like when he wants to go to a race or something.  WOW, he has a checklist, car is packed up, etc.  Sheriff said he's not buying the ADD crud.  He said guy can get to work, shower, get stuff done for others, so what's the problem at home?  Psychologist said he's a Sociopath - everyone out there thinks he's great, but geeze at home it's ridiculous.  Fights with kids, everything is someone else's fault, no responsibilities, it has been exhausting.  My youngest gives me a lot of insight on what she feels like b/c she's not jaded yet.  She said that when she (or most ADDers) don't want to do something they just don't.  She said that sometimes when I ask her to do something, she can't stand to hear my voice.  She said that she just associates it with having to do things that she doesn't want to do sometimes.  She loves me dearly and she will tell me how she feels or why she does stuff b/c I ask her to help me understand.  It is wonderful to have this insight from her.  We've had some lying issues.  She comes to me and tells me that she is sorry and sometimes she has no idea why she does that.  She says sometimes she just wants something so she'll just do whatever to get it.  I love her for this b/c I understand more now.  She is my daughter and I will help her.  However, adults getting diagnosed after being undiagnosed for so long WILL NOT CHANGE.  I have had to do everything, doctor appts (his too - setting them up), flu shots, homework, work two jobs (yeah, didn't mention I had to supplement his income when his work was slow only to see him watch movies and eat salsa one night when I came home from work early), not get kids bathed/showered, gotten calls from sitter about him showing up in his boxers when kids were little to drop off youngest with a morning pee-filled diaper.  Oh, but don't bring any of this up b/c it's past - whatever.  Who does this stuff?  He took my daughter to Tae Kwon Do and he was agitated there.  I was no where around and was on way to get other daughter at ice rink.  Went to Tae Kwon Do place to get youngest once oldest told me about experience w/dad before going to ice rink.  He was NO WHERE TO BE FOUND.  He was sitting in there waiting for her and then just poof left to go do a measurement.  HE LEFT HER THERE!  She was 7 or 8!  Who does that?  How do you forget to take your child w/you?  She would've been sitting there crying and I had no intention of going there b/c I was supposed to pick up oldest and go home per him.  GOD was watching that day and somehow made me decide to go there.  Oh, but don't bring that up.  Never talked to his mom about these incidents b/c she is PRO her immediate kids not grandkids though.  I am SO SICK of this.  He says he is dead against affairs, cheating, but I don't even care anymore b/c I'm not sure that's not a lie also.  Again, not being pessimistic but 90% of these cases won't get better.  It also depends on non-ADD spouse b/c when, say, earlier in marriage I noticed he wouldn't pay bills he was happy to give that to me.  So, if the non-ADD spouse has it all together like me, they will get all of the tasks, build resentment, etc.  Some of these other marriages may work b/c the non-ADD spouse may have a little ADD too or they don't have it all together so it is like 1 seriously incompetent person mated w/one 1/2 incompetent person.  The 1/2 incompetent person isn't as upset as say, I would be, b/c they may not expect much or have goals, or perhaps they are a drinker or not a good mom.  It's like 2 ding-dongs living together laughing or going "uh oh" when something doesn't get paid or kids' miss appointments.  It is not my husband's fault that he has this, but it is his problem to deal with.  Most times, I've found that the non-ADD spouse is dealing with it more than the ADD spouse in showing up to counseling appts., making the appts., picking up the slack, etc.  If the non-ADD spouse wants to continue doing everything and putting up with arguments about nothing so the ADD spouse can get an adrenaline rush - then stick with it.  I do not want to anymore.  I have worked hard my whole life and society doesn't give 2 cruds about the ADD when it comes to kids being tardy for school.  I believe ADD exists b/c I live with people who have it but I also believe too many excuses have been offered up for these people.  Guess what?  When they're on their own, they'll function just fine.  They'll pay their bills but maybe with late fees.  They'll still work but they'll never pick a career or progress in life.  Don't feel bad - these are grown adults.  I have been to multiple psychologists (good ones) with husband.  This guy saw all of us separately.  When I went in the last time, he said, what he would be working on with me is counseling me to get the courage to get a divorce.  In all of his 40 years in practice, and after talking to hubby, he said he doesn't see anything getting better.  Either way we need to ask ourselves what our legacy will be as non-ADD spouse whether woman or man.  Did we keep our children in a healthy environment or not?  Did our daughters see the respect they should be getting from a spouse?  I can guarantee they will come back to you and ask why you didn't do something about leaving the ADD spouse.  My 12 year-old daughter turning 13 stuck a post-it in front of me a week ago that said, "we can make it on our own and we'll be fine without him".  I do NOT negative sell my husband but apparently he does at every opportunity with my kids.  I am taking the high road.  He is a teenager that cannot be left alone.  When I left for a business trip, my oldest, 11 at the time, took over the house and got things done.  Do you know what he did?  He went down to the basement every day for 4 days and smoked cigarettes and played video games.  Um, there is no smoking in our house and never has been since we built it.  There was no smoking in our apartment before we built our house either.  I remember him not wanting to let one lady babysit our kids b/c her basement smelled like smoke and she had told us that's where they play cards and smoke on weekend.  What the heck?  A hypocrisy!  Our vehicles need registered and I went down there but I guess I can't register them alone.  I had to call him b/c they expire on Tues and today is Sat.  (He works a job that goes to customer appts each day so his schedule is already set for next week and he is out-of-town a lot.)  Well, he was 5 minutes away from the motor vehicle place but couldn't help because yes, he didn't bring his wallet again!  The only thing I have had to do since he has been gone that I don't already do is take trash to street once/week and mow grass.  Fine with me.  Money-wise, I can't afford house and everything w/o some help from him.  I hope that works out.  Oh, and he has RUINED my credit and his.  I can't believe what an idiot I have been.  There is more to say but not enough room for 15 years worth.  I am hopeful for some people on here, but you see many like me that have been married for a long time that have had it!  My girls need to be happy and I will do what I need to for that to happen.  Think about everything except helping the non-ADDer for once.  I don't spent $ at all on myself, I do the right thing, and it's time my self-esteem got better.  Keep posting because it is therapeutic to let it out and then to look back on what you wrote and what you've put up with over the years (punching holes in walls, broken promises, ADDer trying to make things look marital when it's them not a marital issue w/spouse b/c they'll start doing same things to kids as kids get older, no motivation, excuses, blaming you, not being proactive about health, etc.)  :)

Uggh, I could relate to so

Uggh, I could relate to so much of this. It really makes me sad. I'm glad it only took me just over 3 years to realize I had enough, but I still have to co-parent with him for the rest of my life. It's so depressing. 

Mine ruined our sex life because he put sex above my pregnancy and after our child was born. He couldn't redeem himself because he is useless at home or with his son. The cons far outweigh the pros. I still shake my head at least once when we text or phone. If I need anything done I have to remind and remind and remind. He drives me insane. 

Losing battle

Hi - it's nice to know I'm not alone.  I copied my post in case you don't get on the site that much.  I have become someone I never used to be - stressed out.  I wish I would've know what was wrong with him a long time ago.  I am a product of my environment.  I went to court Weds to vouch for him to get protective order lifted so he could have contact w/my youngest daughter.  The courts put the order on him, not me.  Also, I didn't press the charges, the courts did.  What I have seen the last four weeks has been amazing.  First, an apology through a conversation he had with my oldest daughter.  Then 2 weeks later, he is "done" with the marriage.  (I gave him dissolution papers to fill out in Nov 2013 but of course he couldn't get through the paperwork just like his taxes, bills, etc.)  It is humorous, but not, to watch this play out.  He is the VICTIM in his eyes - yet he won't come out and say it.  He is "sick of arguing" although that is 1/10 of the problem.  The problem is HIM and not getting ANYTHING, seriously, ANYTHING done.  Wait, yes, he can do tasks here and there - the ones he likes or tasks like emptying the dishwasher once in awhile.  Nothing that needs to be done.  In any case, I have a new atty and I meet him on Weds to file for an uncontested divorce.  I am dumbfounded at a few things.  He stopped over the day of court after work.  The girls wanted to watch a movie with him and he said he couldn't stay and that he wasn't living at home anymore.  I don't want him back but a part of me just wanted him to come to me for ONCE just to say, "I love you" and "I want to make this work".   I know that sounds stupid b/c I don't want him back but it is insult on top of injury to be physically pushed up against a wall and now that I vouched for him in court so he could see my youngest, he's the one that's mad at me.  Do you ever get that too?  They upset you or do something wrong and it gets turned around on you?  I was just hoping to see some remorse.  His family will bankroll him and meanwhile I'll try to keep the kids in the house with minimal help from him.  I would move but it takes time to sell a house, etc.  Further, my oldest is honor roll, in an iStem program and just made cheerleading.  I don't want to uproot them from their home, their friends, etc. and take away any stability they do have.  I am actually going to try to make it on what I make and I have a job that is not that stable lately.  That scares the crud out of me.  Funny that he comes here to see the girls and barely says anything to me like, again, he is the victim.  I could really care less but don't you feel sometimes as a woman it would be nice to hear from the ADDer that they are sorry.  I asked him what he wanted for visitation and told him I would not keep him from seeing kids anytime he wanted to.  Do you know that ALL he asked for was EVERY OTHER weekend?  My oldest daughter was devastated.  Now, I'm not a fan of shared parenting and making kids go from house to house, however, I thought he'd want to see the kids everyday.  I mean, I would want that.  I don't realistically believe anyone can see their kids everyday when living apart, but I did NOT expect him to only want 4 of 30/31 days.  Do you know what that says to me?  Yep, same thing as at home.  He doesn't want any school days where there's responsibility for checking homework and getting it done, or anything else that comes with accountability.  So, I will have to do all of that as usual.  I can't believe that.  Then he just sprung it on them.  They thought he came over to watch a movie and now be "home".  Again, I didn't expect that but I expected this to be presented differently and at a different time.  They had no time to process it.  I asked him if a divorce was okay for him when he was under protective order last four weeks and he said he didn't know.  I was truly already planning to get a divorce but wanted to see if he would say he was going to get better or do counseling which is what I asked the court for (court-mandated counseling and medication) whether he is with me or not.  The court is not backing down on the charges and he could lose his job if he has domestic violence or assault on his record.  Also, he complained that he may have to possibly do counseling for 2 years.  OMG, really?  Have you noticed that it's all about him?  It's not about how terrified I was when that happened.  It is about him.  Further, I am upset with myself for staying all of these years and for letting him get a dig in by acting like he doesn't want me/kids.  I'm trying to figure out how to say this.  It's like being treated like garbage for years, putting up with it and standing by his side regardless, just to have him treat me like garbage again like I am a problem.  I think it is just the hurt in me saying that, like this guy doesn't even have the decency to say, "you are a good person and I'm sorry I broke the foundation of our marriage down."  I feel pathetic.  I guess in some odd way I wanted him to say, "take me back" so I COULD SAY NO for once and feel better that I stood up to him and stuck to my guns.  I hope that doesn't sound juvenile but it's like you want something for your time - something.  My girls were crying when he said, "well, I'm not staying for a movie, as a matter of fact we're getting divorced."  HELLO, that's not how you tell kids.  It is so cold, he doesn't seem at all affected and now I'm wondering if he truly every loved the kids or maybe he just thought he did, you know?  The thing is that our self-esteem, as non-adhd spouses gets hit hard whether you think it does or not.  We don't usually get compliments and we clean up all kinds of messes for them.  My girls are looking to me for comfort b/c they've gone to him and said they didn't want him to leave.  I couldn't get involved because my daughter's add counselor told me to let my girls form their own opinions and to ALSO stop encouraging a good relationship with him b/c if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen.  I just feel so bad for them.  I mean, my 13 year-old had her birthday party tonight and he showed up for a couple of hours and then left.  He didn't really say good-bye to me so I knew he was leaving and he left ALL of the mess.  (I should mention that I stepped out to neighbors for 2 hours b/c my daughter wanted do spa stuff with her friends and they wanted to hang out as girls without me asking them if they want to play "pin the tail on the donkey" b/c sometimes I forget they're 13 now.  LOL  Back to my earlier point that I am just so ticked that he got me good AGAIN by making me feel like I'm not even worth a piece of crud like him.  That's what I'm trying to say.  I put up with him all of those years to have him say nothing like "I'm sorry - truly sorry".  I am looking forward to moving on, seriously, but don't understand how he did not shed a tear when my kids were crying b/c he, basically, in passing said, "I'm out of here."  He didn't even hug my oldest - she came to me.  Oh, and by the way he mentioned how he doesn't get or hasn't gotten affection.  I cried the last time we were intimate - had no idea that was going to happen.  I wish I knew if anyone lived close to me b/c it is hard beating yourself up as usually when you are not the problem.  The comments are nice to read b/c these people manipulate so much that sometimes you think you are crazy.

Linsy's picture

You are right

Dear Barb, you are right, they get MUCH worse as they get older. It was violence that ended it for me. Stupidly I bore it against myself, and sometimes fought back (brought up with brothers) but when he started on my boys that was it. Police etc, although I did not go through with court (wish I had now) for the children's sake. They fully support my decision to leave him, two of them have ADHD, and are treated, but it continues as you say to be a struggle. I am much happier and better off dealing with our lives on my own.

His family fully enable him, housing him for free, giving him easy reactive tasks (gardening, cleaning) which is just stupid but what can you do? His sister described him to me as 'tricky' this week and demonstrated that she did not believe me (or my son who was standing at my shoulder) that it had been and continued to be so bad, so abusive, so awful that it drove me as near to crazy as I have ever been. I can't afford to go crazy though, as I have to earn a living, like you. Nearly four years on and he still tries to get money out of me. He has a rich girlfriend who appears to be keeping him sometimes. More enabling. I am through with 'romance'....

What is so extraordinary about this site is women and men thousands of miles away sharing experiences which are not similar but IDENTICAL in every detail from the parking tickets and unpaid bills, to the cannabis smoking and physical violence, the lies and emotional manipulation and the extraordinary ability suddenly to become focused and efficient when it comes to something they want to do (in my husband's case, anything for his rich parents).

Over. Gone. The pain, mourning, grief and loneliness have faded. My spirits have risen and I focus on getting my children through and out the other side, and with the help of angels in human form (unconnected to me by any ties of blood) we will overcome.

Good luck to all of you.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

I have lost many a battle, but I have not YET lost the war

BW,

It must have been so very scary to get physically pushed up against a wall.  

My own A-Ha moment came when my spouse was so close to my face yelling in frustration that he was spraying me with saliva from his forceful yelling.  That was a defining moment for me, especially because my husband was, and often referred to himself as the "Gentle Giant."

 I made many mistakes.  My loving, understanding, forgiving, nurturing , persona was my own worst enemy.  I tried so hard to be helpful, I enabled him right into a place where, when I pulled the rug out from under him by saying "ENOUGH",  the reality was harsh for both of us.  

Now that I know better, I do better.  I HOPE he really cares enough for me and himself, to decide it is time to do things differently.  If he can acknowledge his own actions, I can still stand by his side while he sojourns  on, but if not, I will have to be away from this - - because my heart cannot stand to watch him self destruct.

 

I hear you too

Wow, I just read your comment from 8/2013 - you need to read mine that I posted 5/17/14 and today 5/25/14, I believe.  I had posted that mine put me up against a wall - never had anything physical for 18 years.  In any case, I had wanted a divorce, and 'couldn't get papers filled out" just like his taxes.  Then, he gets protective order lifted and tells kids we're getting a divorce and he's never coming come.  I have 2 daughters and youngest has ADD.  I have no family in town and we moved to this town (pretty big city) to be closer to his family.  His family has caused problems, enabled, and have a long history of ADD.  I am scared for my youngest who starts middle school next school year.  I just have a feeling things will get worse.  You are SO right that you are alone and have yet another mess with the ADD child to cope with.  My soon to be ex only wants every other weekend for visitation.  Yep, he doesn't want the responsibilities of homework and our youngest ADDer.  She has already lied a bunch to me and I'm worried.  I have her on medicine and going to an ADD counselor.  I will have no emotional support.  I cannot believe what I put up with and of course, I gave everything for 18 years.  I never spent $ on myself or anything.  Isn't it a slap in the face that they make you all stressed out, along with you getting stuck keeping the house running just to make it seem like you're the problem?  Then they go off with no responsibilities.  It can make you bitter.  I would give you a giant hug if you were here.  :)

New Here

I just found this website.  I have been with my ADHD boyfriend for almost 10 years.  We were engaged at one point but some instinct told me no and how glad I am that I listened.  I have been seriously considering ending the relationship but after reading some of these posts I realize most of our problems are related to his ADHD.  He lives with me in my house and I pay all the household bills but none of his even though I have given him a lot of money in the past, no more.  I have told him that I will no longer bail him out and I am taking responsibility for taking care of myself and my happiness.  New boundaries are set in place and I'm hoping that I can be strong in enforcing them.  At the same time I am hoping to learn more skills from this site.  It does feel good to read situations on here that I thought were mine alone.