I have Complex PSTD. I don't want to get into details (I don't think I could these days)... I learned to manage it and built a life for myself, learned to give myself breaks, and coped with my sense of mistrust by being selective. I even learned to feel "good enough" for myself. Enters my husband...ADHD...Wonderful man, amazing hyper-focus courting....all great....then right after the wedding...I got dropped from his arms like a hot potato. Do I have to tell you what that instant, inexplicable, sudden abandonment feels like to a Complex PSTD? ..what do I call myself? survivor of severe childhood trauma (which I compounded unknowingly by serving as an aid in emergency situations, military and otherwise). Is like I forgot anything that had earned me the "good enough" peace. I have spent these last year and a half working like a mad woman (seriously..I have alone..my whole 5'4" of self, repainted and repaired, and remodeled every room in his house...started the last room, the master bedroom, this morning)... why? to earn... I don't know what. He is sweet..... he loves me.... but man he lives centered in his life, his wants, his video games... Example? We were together as man and wife 4 or 5 times in our first year of marriage.... for our honeymoon he brought his video games, and I found myself confused and "dropped" sitting at the beach alone... His finances were so bad (all found out after marriage bc he was so embarrassed to tell me before) that I had to use all my savings and retirement to "save him"...so the sense of safety that I earned with those funds is gone. We have been entirely fixed on fixing his life....meanwhile I have been saying to his counselor, to mine, to him, to our pastor...I am about to break...I am exhausted... I have nothing to fall back on...no ways left to earn anything...If he could not see me when i had resources how could he see me when I am spent? So here I am... People must have thought I was kidding? seeking pity?.... I was not... It is so hard for me to ask for help...I was actually asking for help.... So I am in the breaking now...... I turned off all my communications with friends... social media, phone, etc... I seriously do not get how I was beautiful a year and 1/2 ago and now I look in the mirror and see an old and ugly lady looking at me asking...what happened? We started counseling together last week... My fixing brain came to the realization that our problems are not so much ADHD (he is now on medication) and PSTD (alone I had been able to manage it), but what do you do when they marry each other? He recently seems to have realized how deeply I have fallen into this oubliette... he is trying...but I feel numb...Then yesterday I tried to ventured out...Got time etc... to make myself obviously available... he came in he room started to give me a back rub (nice..right?) said he was about to go get an achievement in his video game and left. Holy .... I mean... I know this is PSTD talking...but what do I have to look like to compel him? I have arrived to a place when if anyone tells me I am beautiful, I scuff. If he does..I look away. If another man does, I feel mocked. Next week I'll have no walls left to paint... what in god's name am I going to do them. No ways left to earn...well..anything. ADHD helps grow bad habits, and although he works on his ADHD, he does not follow through on things we have discovered helped...he is habituated to having others fix stuff for him...carry his burden...while he is the entertainment. but he does not look funny to me anymore...all the jokes (usually all the same again and again) are now worn and puerile. I am alone... I left my job etc... back in the old continent, from where I hail. I know very few people... That is part of the odd stuff..he has hundreds of FB friends but he has no friends at all... ADHD style... He was the entertainment so long ...noone took him seriously,..and now he is stuck. There are three men in my house.... The Hyperfocus him I fell in love with and went in a long away trip, the ADHD him that threw me down and now and again says oops, and PSTD (yes..I call him a man too...bc he is always playing power games with my soul, just like my dad did)... Maybe I just have to realize I will never have just the one husband to walk with. I am breaking... and I do not know what to do...or if there is anything to be done. It might be the end of the fight. How to sit at ease with the end of the hope of one day finding a harbor and feeling finally safe could actually happen...to me. I feel doomed. Counselor tomorrow...clealy I have not given up just yet... but I feel so numb... I can see that is counterproductive ....and I can't shake myself out if it. I shoved his hand aside the other day when he went to take over my computer (he has a hard time teaching by showing, he just takes over) ... he got so angry.... After 2 years of him living telling me he was super strong and responding to my "I am sorrys" when I accidentally bumped into him etc... with "what, i did not feel anything".... he goes and tells me for pushing his hand aside "You hit me, you are just like the people you told me about." Who, you ask? the ones that spend my childhood throwing me down the stairs, hitting me with pipes... wait...I said no details. I am just like them bc I pushed his hand aside.... Maybe he is trying to demonize me so he does not have to feel bad to see me break.... but now when I accidentally come into contact with him I feel panicked. This romance feels like hells inside my cells. If you know a road, please draw directions for me gently... I am able to take little at this time. Oh...and sorry if this sounds all wrong..English is no-where near my first language. Sorry.